A friend was talking about the events that had occured over the course of her life. "Each situation took away a piece of me, and left me feeling less sure of myself, less whole."
I pondered her statement for a long time and then I asked her, "Is it possible that the parts of you that were taken away were parts that you no longer needed?" We often view events or crises as diminishing our sense of self, our ability to feel strong and whole, but perhaps it is just the opposite. Perhaps when our ego is bruised or our self-esteem is diminished, we are actually making room for a whole new understanding of who we are to shine through.
Rumi says, "Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
I look over my life and I can see plenty of bandaged places. I used to feel like there was a hole where my heart should be. A big gaping wound that no amount of bandages could cover. I had to put an imagined steel belt around my heart to keep it from feeling too much pain, from coming to terms with the gaping hole. But that hole was precisely the spot where the light seeped through. When I eventually let go of the steel band and let the pain pour out, even more light poured in. I felt more whole, more centered in my self, more full of light.
Our scars are also our greatest potential for growth and enlightenment. Without them we would become complacent and spiritually lazy. Every trauma we go through is a potential bandaged place and a potential place for the light to shine through. Instead of looking at an event with sadness or pain, try looking at it as a window through which the light of your own spirit can shine and help you to heal. Take off the bandage slowly. There will be pain, but there will also be light.
As parents we worry that a truamtic event may scar our children for life. Death of a loved one. Divorce. Moving to a new city. Being the victim of a bully. We see their wounds and scars as our fault. If we were better parents, our children wouldn't have to go through this pain and suffering.
We ARE responsible for a lot of what our children must experience. We make the major decisions that affect their lives for good or ill. I am not absolving you of your responsibility as a parent. Rather I am challeging you to look at a difficult event as a potential for your growth as well as the growth of your children. Help them to express their feelings and also help them to feel the light shining through their discomfort. If children can learn that growth and light come from every difficult event in their lives, they will welcome the events as they come and open up to the light, rather than avoiding any conflict or wallowing in sadness, self-pity or resentment. And the bandaged places will heal without a scar at all.
Showing posts with label old resentments. Show all posts
Showing posts with label old resentments. Show all posts
Monday, June 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
An Attitude of Gratitude
Gratitude is the intention to count your blessings every day, every minute, while avoiding, whenever possible, the belief that you need or deserve different circumstances. (Timothy Miller) Trying to maintain an attitude of gratitude is very hard for me. I start out all sparkly and loving and full of thanks, but gradually I sink down into old resentments and self-pity. Why should I be so grateful? Don't I deserve more? More abundance? More fame? More success? More pats on the back?
What do rich and famous people have that I don't have, besides money and fame? Why can't I just snap my fingers and have all that I need, all that I truly deserve?
Is it possible to feel blessed and resentful at the same time? I think so. Perhaps it is higher self and lower self battling it out. My ego says I deserve more, but my inner self says I have all that I need right now to be a fully enlightened being.
Let go, let it go, let it be, let me be. Enough of the ruminations and self pity. Life is good and I am perfect just the way I am and I am good and I am life and I am grateful for each breath I take.
This is the battle of my life. I hope this new year will see me become the truly powerful, loving, grateful being that I know I can be. Medicine Woman. Om Shanti.
What do rich and famous people have that I don't have, besides money and fame? Why can't I just snap my fingers and have all that I need, all that I truly deserve?
Is it possible to feel blessed and resentful at the same time? I think so. Perhaps it is higher self and lower self battling it out. My ego says I deserve more, but my inner self says I have all that I need right now to be a fully enlightened being.
Let go, let it go, let it be, let me be. Enough of the ruminations and self pity. Life is good and I am perfect just the way I am and I am good and I am life and I am grateful for each breath I take.
This is the battle of my life. I hope this new year will see me become the truly powerful, loving, grateful being that I know I can be. Medicine Woman. Om Shanti.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Just What Do We Actually Deserve?
The other day I had a very intense discussion with my younger son, Gabriel. He is 27 and his older (and only) sibling, Joseph, is about to turn 32.
Gabriel just completed his 4th quarter at our local community college. He has plans to go on for a 4-year degree in computer science at a nearby university. This is nothing short of a miracle to me, since Gabriel dropped out of high school in his junior year. He got his GED, but that was all he was willing to do as far as his education was concerned. He also got married at 18 and was a father at 20. He and his wife are still together (they celebrated their 9th anniversay recently) and they now have two children.
Back to the intense discussion: I jokingly told Gabriel that Joseph was so worried that Gabriel was going to get his BA before he did, that he re-enrolled at University of Washington! Joseph has been going to college on and off since he graduated from high shcool. He has many credits and a few different majors and an AA degree but no 4-year degree. I guess sibling rivalry has its good points, if it inspires Joseph to finish his education along with Gabriel!
I thought the situation was humorous, but it touched off a long string of associations for Gabriel going back to when they were teens and I gave Joseph a car when he was 17. I didn't give one to Gabriel. Actually, my partner at the time bought one for Gabriel, but he put restrictions on the use of the car and Gabriel resented them so much that he eventually lost the car entirely. My partner ended up giving the car to Joseph who ran it into the ground.
Gabriel was so upset as he talked to me. "I deserved to have a car given to me just like Joseph did! You stayed with my dad until Joseph was grown up, but you didn't wait for ME to grow up before you separated. I deserved to have both of my parents as long as Joseph did. I live nearby and see you all the time (I take care of his children 3 days/week), but Joseph lives in Seattle and you hardly ever see him." Get the picture?
To my credit and Gabriel's, this phone discussion did not escalate into outright anger and harsh words. I knew he was upset and I saw it as an opportunity to help him work through his resentments and get to the unmet needs underneath. I kept my voice calm. I went back over the events and let him know how I remembered them. I told him I was sad that his father and I were unable to stay together until he grew up. And I talked about being able to move past old resentments, to try to understand that we - none of us - deserve anything to be given to us.
I was able to give Joseph my old car when he turned 17, but I was in a different place when Gabriel turned 16. My partner, Mark, wanted to give Gabriel a car before I felt he was ready. He thought that Gabriel would be able to earn more car priveleges, but that only made Gabriel angry and rebellious. He was hanging out with wild and dangerous kids. He lost interest in his studies, in his wrestling and soccer and baseball, and eventually dropped out of high school all together.
When Gabriel wanted to get married at 18 at first I was totally against the idea as you can imagine. But then I saw that he was craving some limits, some way out of the tailspin he found himself in. His girlfriend, Jackie, was very straight and innocent. She was also a hard worker and she had clear goals for herself and her family-to-be. She was able to give Gabriel the limits he would not accept from his father or from me, and a way out of the wild crowd he found himself in. And now, 9 years later, he is able to go back to school and study hard and get all A's.
When Gabriel heard that Joseph was horning in on his school experience, it triggered a lot of unfinished situraions and feelings. We were able to work through them together. Gabriel was able to hear me say to him that laying blame on others for his own decisions and actions is not an impeccable way to live; that our only true goal in my opinion is enlightenment, freedom from the circle of birth and death. Gabriel did not deserve a car just because his brother got one. He has his own karma, his own path to follow, his own lessons to learn.
I love both of my children and I know that they are very different. Hopefully I will be around for a while as they walk their dharma, their own unique path to wisdom and enlightenment and as I in turn walk mine.
Gabriel just completed his 4th quarter at our local community college. He has plans to go on for a 4-year degree in computer science at a nearby university. This is nothing short of a miracle to me, since Gabriel dropped out of high school in his junior year. He got his GED, but that was all he was willing to do as far as his education was concerned. He also got married at 18 and was a father at 20. He and his wife are still together (they celebrated their 9th anniversay recently) and they now have two children.
Back to the intense discussion: I jokingly told Gabriel that Joseph was so worried that Gabriel was going to get his BA before he did, that he re-enrolled at University of Washington! Joseph has been going to college on and off since he graduated from high shcool. He has many credits and a few different majors and an AA degree but no 4-year degree. I guess sibling rivalry has its good points, if it inspires Joseph to finish his education along with Gabriel!
I thought the situation was humorous, but it touched off a long string of associations for Gabriel going back to when they were teens and I gave Joseph a car when he was 17. I didn't give one to Gabriel. Actually, my partner at the time bought one for Gabriel, but he put restrictions on the use of the car and Gabriel resented them so much that he eventually lost the car entirely. My partner ended up giving the car to Joseph who ran it into the ground.
Gabriel was so upset as he talked to me. "I deserved to have a car given to me just like Joseph did! You stayed with my dad until Joseph was grown up, but you didn't wait for ME to grow up before you separated. I deserved to have both of my parents as long as Joseph did. I live nearby and see you all the time (I take care of his children 3 days/week), but Joseph lives in Seattle and you hardly ever see him." Get the picture?
To my credit and Gabriel's, this phone discussion did not escalate into outright anger and harsh words. I knew he was upset and I saw it as an opportunity to help him work through his resentments and get to the unmet needs underneath. I kept my voice calm. I went back over the events and let him know how I remembered them. I told him I was sad that his father and I were unable to stay together until he grew up. And I talked about being able to move past old resentments, to try to understand that we - none of us - deserve anything to be given to us.
I was able to give Joseph my old car when he turned 17, but I was in a different place when Gabriel turned 16. My partner, Mark, wanted to give Gabriel a car before I felt he was ready. He thought that Gabriel would be able to earn more car priveleges, but that only made Gabriel angry and rebellious. He was hanging out with wild and dangerous kids. He lost interest in his studies, in his wrestling and soccer and baseball, and eventually dropped out of high school all together.
When Gabriel wanted to get married at 18 at first I was totally against the idea as you can imagine. But then I saw that he was craving some limits, some way out of the tailspin he found himself in. His girlfriend, Jackie, was very straight and innocent. She was also a hard worker and she had clear goals for herself and her family-to-be. She was able to give Gabriel the limits he would not accept from his father or from me, and a way out of the wild crowd he found himself in. And now, 9 years later, he is able to go back to school and study hard and get all A's.
When Gabriel heard that Joseph was horning in on his school experience, it triggered a lot of unfinished situraions and feelings. We were able to work through them together. Gabriel was able to hear me say to him that laying blame on others for his own decisions and actions is not an impeccable way to live; that our only true goal in my opinion is enlightenment, freedom from the circle of birth and death. Gabriel did not deserve a car just because his brother got one. He has his own karma, his own path to follow, his own lessons to learn.
I love both of my children and I know that they are very different. Hopefully I will be around for a while as they walk their dharma, their own unique path to wisdom and enlightenment and as I in turn walk mine.
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