Each Child Has Their Own Life Lessons to Learn by Saralee Sky

I have two sons, both grown now. Joseph is five years older than Gabriel. When they were younger, they were acutely aware of each other’s place in the family, especially my younger son, Gabriel. He wanted to do whatever his big brother did, even if his little body just could not keep up. Instead of feeling honored that his little brother looked up to him so much, Joseph resented Gabriel’s desire to do what he did and thus the battle lines were drawn. I often felt torn between the two boys and what they each needed or desired or thought they deserved. I was also very aware of the fact that they were two very different children with very different needs and personalities.

Joseph was very self-contained and self-aware from the moment he emerged from the womb. He needed very little correction and was more comfortable with gentle guidance and clearly defined limits set mainly for his safety. As he grew older he took the role of the “opposer” in the family constellation and would often say no to an activity simply because the rest of us wanted to do it. He fought with his little brother all the time and was usually the victor, simply because of his size and weight advantage. I think he might have been happier as an only child. (Wouldn’t we all?)

Gabriel was a quiet, peaceful baby, but as he grew his competitive streak emerged and he was always trying to win at anything he did – sports, games, anything. If losing at a board game like Monopoly, he was not above throwing the board across the room, ending the game for everyone. Gabriel was also very affectionate and needy for affection in return, and he could be very stubborn when it came time to put away toys or get ready for bed.

As a parent responsible for the growth and guidance of these two unique people, I discovered early what major lessons each had to learn in their lives and tried my best to help them work their way through them. With Joe, I tried to show him the box he placed himself in when he opposed a family outing just for the sake of standing firm and alone. An “opposer” is basically a frustrated leader. I found ways to let him make more decisions for us all, like which movie or playground or restaurant, but the larger life choices still had to be made by his father or me. I also tried to show him how the battle with his younger brother was largely of his making. If Joseph did not rise to the bait of Gabriel’s competitive nature and was more of an ally and mentor to Gabriel, the fights would cease. It had to come from him, the oldest and the one who set the battle lines in the beginning.

With Gabriel I tried to be patient and consistent, working with him to at least place one block back in the box while I put in ten, easing him out of his stubbornness. When he got older and threw game boards across the room, I would wait until he calmed down and then sit and talk quietly with him about his actions. I believed it was important that he understand that his actions had immediate and also long term consequences and the older he got the bigger the consequences. I also tried to show him that his intense need for affection was often impossible to meet. He would have to learn to look within to find the comfort and solace he needed. I took him with me to my meditation group and he enjoyed the peaceful atmosphere and the chanting when he was young very much.

As the boys grew into teens their life lessons grew with them. Joseph resented the choices I made for the family, moving us from California to West Virginia and finally to Washington state. When his father and I separated he blamed me, since it was my decision to do so. It took us a long time to work through his feelings. The hardest thing I ever did was sit quietly and listen to him tell me how every decision I had ever made for him was wrong, starting with not circumcising him! It was a long and emotionally exhausting list. He was sixteen then. He forced me to see the consequences of my decisions from his point of view rather than my own – a completely different vantage point!

Gabriel continued to up the ante in his actions/consequences cycle. At fourteen, he threw a rock through a shop window with some friends and was the only one caught. He spent the night in Juvenile Detention and was thoroughly sobered and chastised by the experience. Among other consequences, he had to apologize to the shop owner face to face. His emotional neediness continues to be a problem for him in his marriage from time to time. Learning to look within for comfort and solace will be a life-long challenge for him I believe, but one which he is slowly learning how to solve.

When Joseph turned eighteen, he stopped fighting with Gabriel. I noticed the calm and asked him what happened. He said Gabriel was on the wrestling team now and might be able to “take him” in a fight. While that may have been part of it, I choose to believe that Joseph’s maturity was also a factor. While they are not as close as I would like them to be, they love each other dearly. Joseph still keeps himself apart from the family, but hovers on the boundaries, ready to jump in when he perceives a need.

The boys have grown into young men and now lead lives independent of me. They continue to work on their life lessons. I watch as Joseph works through his need to be in charge and the distance he puts between himself and his family. I watch as Gabriel works through his need for affection and his need to win. Each has his own dharma, his own path to follow. I love both of my children and I appreciate their differences. Hopefully I will be around for a while as they walk their own unique path to wisdom and enlightenment and as I in turn walk mine.

Behavior Modification by Joe Sky-Tucker

Behavior Modification sounds worse than it really is. It is basically a way of teaching or re-teaching cause and effect. Children are very adept at getting their needs met by whatever means they can. If whining and crying gets your attention then that is what they will do. This is a proactive way of dealing with behavior problems. If your child has developed some not-so-great behaviors, it does not mean that you are bad parents. The behavior modification techniques in this article can help you increase the amount of positive time spent with your children and teach them the right way to get their needs met.

Behavior Modification is about building a system that takes the pressure off of you and off of your children and places basic rules around time management and behavior. It will be very difficult in the beginning. The first two to three weeks will be the hardest by a long, long way. But if you can get through those first few weeks until the techniques become second nature to you and your children, the benefits will be well worth your efforts.

Consistency: Before you start both parents need to commit to this. Children are very perceptive and if one parent is not following or supporting the other there will be a split and this will not work.

Structure/Routine: You must first set up the structure and routines of the day. Basic time management - what happens in the morning, afternoon, and evening - should be as standardized as possible.

Limits/Natural Consequences: These are the behavior expectations and consequences for when the behavior expectations are not met. With consistent routine and consequences most of the negative behavior will disappear.

Start with a family meeting and put together a Family Constitution or House Rules, etc. If your children are too young to understand what a Family Constitution is, you as parents can create one for your family. Outline what is and what is not acceptable. No violence towards family or pets. No name calling. No yelling. Clean up our own messes. Spend time together as a family every week. Say please and thank you, etc. Create consequences for misbehaving and create a daily schedule for activities and chores. I am a firm believer in using TV and movies as a reward, however, everyone has a different view on this. For this article I am using it as a reward.

Here is a sample morning schedule: Wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush hair and teeth, get ready to go (week day) or play (weekend). If on a weekday they complete this within the agreed time frame they can watch TV before they go off to school or daycare. If they are staying home they can choose a movie or a few TV shows to watch. On a weekend they can pick a movie or get one-on-one time with mom or dad. If they are not following directions then they begin to lose these privileges. No TV or movies in the morning.

Offering Controlled Choices: One way to avoid power struggles is to provide Controlled Choices – offer two options you can live with and let your child choose which one. "You can play in your room or outside." To that they may say "In the kitchen."

"I know that you want to play in the kitchen, but right now your choices are either to play outside or in your room. If you want I can choose for you, but I might choose something you don't like."

Controlled Choices can be even more exaggerated "You can keep whining and having a tantrum and spend the rest of the morning in your room or you can stop and talk to me and have fun playing outside."

Natural Consequences: Only threaten consequences you can back up. Saying, "If you don't stop crying I am never taking you out to eat again" will not work. It would be better to say: “You can keep crying and we will have to leave the restaurant and go home, or you can stop crying and eat your sandwich, and then I will let you have a cookie for dessert. Your choice.”

If they break a toy in anger, you take the toy away. If they are being unsafe, throwing a toy in anger, they need to show you that they can be safe in an isolated environment. "If you can play nicely in your room for 10 minutes, then you can come out and we can talk about better ways to show you're mad."

Validation: Children do not have the vocabulary or the self knowledge to express their feelings. But we can help them by giving them the words to describe their feelings. "Jordon, it looks like you are very tired and upset. And you know what? It’s OK to be tired and upset. It’s not OK to pinch your sister." This validation of Jordan’s feelings shows that you understand, that what he is feeling is OK and that you love him.

Amends: If they pull the dog’s tail there should be amends made to the dog. “Can you pet the dog nicely and tell her you’re sorry? Tails are for wagging, not for pulling.” If they hit or pinch their sibling, amends must also be made to the child who was injured. “Can you give your sister a hug and tell her you’re sorry? It’s Ok to be angry. It is not OK to hurt your sister.”

Using Time-Outs effectively: A Time-Out is not a punishment. With punishment comes shame and that is not what a Time-Out is for. A Time-Out is to refocus and calm down for both child and parent. It is a way in which you stay ahead of the more serious behaviors that come when children are not stopped early.

For example: Crystal is playing loudly, not unsafe or out of control, just too loud. First use a Soft Limit. A Soft Limit is a reminder of behavior expectations and a way to teach children how to read social cues from adults. "Wow, I like how you are playing, but you are hurting my ears and I am trying to read." She will probably be quiet for about 30 seconds then start being loud again.

Next comes the Hard Limit. A Hard Limit is more direct and a restatement of the behavior expectation. "You are too loud and you need to use your inside voice." This may stop it for a minute or two and then she may get loud again. At this point she earns a Time-Out. She needs to sit quietly for 1 to 2 minutes. She should not be over-congratulated for taking a Time-Out, because that just teaches her that a Time-Out will get her lots of attention.

During a Time-Out, if both parents are present, use cross-talk. Cross-talk is talking to Crystal through each other. "Boy, Daddy, it sure is a shame that Crystal can't play quietly because she could miss out on the fun picnic we have planned." "That is too bad, but if she just sits quietly for 2 minutes she can have fun again."

When the Time-Out is over and you talk with Crystal, the questions should be about her behavior. “What happened? What can you do differently next time?” Then take her through a similar scenario. “What's going to happen when you are loud again?” Everything should be put back onto her and the choices she made. Make sure she knows that your are judging the behavior and not the child, which is something you should say. "I am not mad at you, you are wonderful. But sometimes I don't like what you do. When you do not listen to me that hurts my feelings, because I listen to you." This kind of discussion begins to teach the lessons of self control, empathy, and cause and effect. Again, after a Time-Out is not the time for lots of hugs and attention. You should comfort her and show her you are not mad at her, but overdoing the attention for being in Time-Out will backfire in the end.

The behavioral techniques described in this article can be used with success no matter how old the child. As your child grows older the consequences for poor behavior choices will change to fit the behavior and the age. Time-Outs can be longer, consequences stiffer, but the basic techniques of Controlled Choices, Soft and Hard Limits, Natural Consequences, Validation and Amends will remain constant. Your children will learn that there are consequences – good and bad – for their behavior, and that they can count on you as their parents to define the limits and reward good choices.

Joe Sky-Tucker is Saralee Sky’s 34 year old son. Joe works with emotionally disturbed youth in an in-patient setting. He is currently awaiting his first child in August, 2010. Let's see if he sticks to these principals! :)

Setting Limits and Using Consequences by Joe Sky-Tucker

I am not a parent yet. My experience comes from the twelve years and counting that I have worked with children, from after school daycare to a locked residential unit for “at-risk” youth and everything in-between. This article comes from my personal experience working with children and my great respect and love for them. Disciplining your child has a negative connotation. There are books about positive discipline and different philosophies from using “time-out” to spanking. Whichever method is used there are some important things to know: Every child needs to be loved unconditionally. Every child needs limits. I cannot emphasize this enough. Every child needs consistent limits and boundaries. There is a rule when working with children called the ‘20 to 1 Rule’. That means 20 positive interactions with a child for every 1 negative one. Positive interactions can include compliments, physical affection, spending quality time with him. With parents that number is even higher: some say 50 to 1 and others say even 100 to 1. Too much of discipline is punishment and negative consequences. Another method of discipline is reinforcing positive behaviors. Catch them being good and make a big deal out of it. If you are teaching table manners say, “I like how you are using your napkin to wipe your face. Good job!” This will work much better than yelling, “Stop wiping your mouth on your sleeve!” When a child is chastised and put in “time-out” constantly, it can become the only form of attention she gets, thus creating a cycle in which she will act out just to get attention. That is why after every major consequence like a “time-out” it is important to repair the relationship. Your child feels like she has failed you. So talk about what happened, making sure to let her give you her side of the story without interruption. Then correct anything that didn’t happen or was untrue and come up with a more accurate version. And make sure she knows you still love her. Ask her what she was feeling and if she doesn’t know you can suggest the feelings for her, “Were you feeling sad, mad, frustrated…?”. Validate her feelings, then talk about positive ways she could have expressed those feelings, “When you were mad, instead of throwing your shoe, what could you have done?” Then make a plan for the future when she gets mad again, “Next time you can stomp your feet and say ‘I’m mad’, then we can figure out what to do about it.” By doing this after major conflicts you are providing a structure in which your child’s voice is heard, and you are teaching her about expressing her feelings and the proper ways to behave. Here is a little parental cheat sheet: Love your child and let him know it often. Have consistent well-known rules and consequences for breaking the rules. Always repair the relationship and let the child know that you still love him. Provide him with the correct words to get his needs met in positive ways. Validate her feelings; she may be experiencing these feelings for the first time. Use ‘do’ instead of ‘don’t’. ‘Use your fork to eat.’ instead of, ‘Don’t eat with your fingers.’ Rules, boundaries and limits are positive things, and they help your child to become secure, self-sufficient adults.