Drowning in Motherhood

As a brand new mother, I was overwhelmed for the first six months of my baby's life. It seemed like the only time I was able to sit still was when I nursed my baby. Gradually I was able to relax into the role (after the 3 month bout with colic) and even read a book while Joe was nursing. I would lift my eyes from the page and see his dark button eyes peering intently at me as he nursed. I had so much love for this little person who had such a huge presence, such great awareness, and who was so dependent upon me.

When Joe was four years old, I got pregnant with my second baby. I had been quite content with having only one child. We had settled into our routines and there was time every day for me to read or sew. I was also working part time. But time was slipping away and so my partner and I decided we had better have one more now or not at all. So Gabe was conceived.

Gabe was born in late April, three weeks early. Still, I was ready for him or so I thought. As the mother of two I felt more comfortable in my role. I was able to take care of both of my boys, pay attention to them, feed them, do their laundry etc. without the peroids of overwhelm or panic I experienced the first time around. The only problem was, I had no time left over for my self. No reading time, meditation time, daydream time. Someone always needed me. I was always holding one of the boys. I was actually tired of being touched all the time.

I felt like I was always tending to everyone else's needs and demands, and I had no time of my own. Where was Sara in all this? I was losing sight of my self. I was drowning in motherhood.

I do not mean to say that I resented my role as a mother, or that I resented my children (and my partner) for needing me as much as they did. I just felt like I was losing my Self as I tended to the needs of eveyone else. Learning to take some time for just me was very hard for me to do.

Recently a neighbor stopped by on a walk with her family. Her daughter is six and her son is one. Her husband was with them also. My friend said, "Shayna has her special time, Jared has his special time, my husband has his personal time, but where is Barbara's time? Where is the Me Time?"

I could sympathize as I watched them walk away. I had been there, too. We all feel like that at some point I am sure. What about mothers who have three children or four or five? Their Me Time is postponed even longer I suppose. At some point we all feel like we are drowning in motherhood.