We Are All in This Alone by Saralee Sky

I write today from the vantage point of a mother and a grandmother. Who knew I would live so long? The days of being a young mother come back to me now as I interact with my son and daughter-in-law and with the parents of my grandchildren’s peers. The parents seem so young to me! It is nothing short of a miracle that they are able to take care of themselves, let alone their children.

Some of the parents are very together – patient and loving toward their children, calm and self-possessed in their own lives. Some of the parents look like they are happy to have just made it through to another day, slipping and sliding through their lives by the seat of their pants. I watch the children and their parents scurrying about and a Lily Tomlin quote comes to mind: “We’re all in this alone.”

When I was a young mother I was often terrified that my decisions and behavior were directly affecting my children. They were so totally dependent upon me for their very existence and survival. It was such an awesome responsibility and I often felt woefully unprepared. Still I loved my sons deeply and they forgave me my mistakes again and again. I got used to making decisions for them and for our family. We were all in this together albeit alone (see above).

I became a strong advocate for them as they went through school. But I also moved them around as I went through graduate school myself, and then decided to move from California to West Virginia and then eventually to Washington state. They had to go along. They were prisoners to my life choices. Sometimes they liked the choices I made and sometimes they definitely did not. My oldest son was more vocal about his disapproval. He liked West Virginia and did not want to leave.

I also became a devotee of Swami Muktananda when I was pregnant with my first son. Both of my children spent a lot of time with me in meditation centers and ashrams. They celebrated Guru Purnima along with Chanukah, Christmas, Easter and Passover. My oldest son was not as enamored with my yoga practice. “He’s your guru, he’s not my guru,” he told me. My youngest son could sit still for hours while we chanted in Sanskrit at the ashram. He was more of a yogi than I was. Now as adults, my oldest son considers himself a Taoist and my younger son goes about trying to turn his rowdy friends into kind and loving people.

During my children’s teenage years, their father and I separated and eventually divorced. This was another huge decision my sons had no choice about. And again it was me who was the driving force behind the decision. My ex-husband and I are close friends now. We see each other often and celebrate holidays together with our sons. We are each remarried and our spouses get along and we get along with each other’s spouses. An Ozzie and Harrier divorce as my sister likes to call it. But that is now. When the separation was happening my sons had to go through their own pain and suffering. My thirteen-year-old asked me, “Why can’t you wait until I’m 18?” Why couldn’t I? Because it seemed as though I would die if I didn’t make the change. My own survival was at stake.

As I grew into motherhood and womanhood, I would often try to make my decisions based on causing the least amount of turmoil or pain. But in the end I caused a great deal of both for all of us. My sons were forced to see me as a fallible human being with needs and dreams of my own separate from my role as their mother. They had to experience their own reactions to my decisions and behavior. My love for them was always apparent, and perhaps that is what got us through the hard times. We are very close to each other even as we lead our own separate lives.

Now I am a grandmother. My youngest son decided to marry at eighteen and become a father at twenty. He is still married and has a six year old daughter and three year old son. He started going to college this year and is somehow managing to work part time, go to school full time and take care of the kids three days a week. I help take care of my grandchildren two days a week, sometimes more. I went through each pregnancy with my daughter-in-law and son. I was present for each of their births. I help out at my granddaughter’s Kindergarten class and my grandson’s preschool class. I go to all the soccer games. You get the picture. I am very involved with my grandchildren.

I love them with all my heart and I also know I am not the main influence in their lives. I am not their parent. I can stand by to help and support, but I cannot force my will upon my children or my grandchildren. I can merely lead by example. I cannot make their decisions for them, live their lives for them, keep them from making their own mistakes.

I have so much compassion for young families as they struggle to meet the everyday demands life and their own decisions have placed upon them. I see my son and his wife trying to juggle all of the balls of being young parents, working, going to college, finding some time to play. I see their children as their steadying force. If my son had not married and become a parent as soon as he did, he was in danger of spinning out of control. He needed an anchor to keep him grounded and out of serious trouble. Sometimes he chafes at the responsibility, but mostly he takes it all in stride. I see none of the terror I felt at being responsible for another human being. My daughter-in-law goes about her days doing the best she can, working full time, attending to the needs of her children and her husband, taking little to no time for herself. They do not have the time to reflect on the awesome responsibilities they shoulder!

My oldest son and his girlfriend work with abused and emotionally disturbed children in an inpatient setting. They say they will eventually have children of their own, but not now. My son has very clear ideas about how to raise children and set limits. I cannot wait until he has his own children. Then we shall see if his rigid theories continue to hold water.

I am learning so much about myself and about the cycle of life as I enter this crone phase. I am growing old and I still have so much to learn. Will I ever reach a place of true wisdom? We are truly all in this alone, but “alone” to me now means “all one”.

In a Nutshell - 20: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

• So the child learns life within human arms. It learns to eat…to laugh, to play, to listen, to watch, to dance, to feel frightened or relaxed, in human arms. (Margaret Mead)
• These mundane days, these special days, these re-bonding days are essential in the lives of families, couples, friends. They form the basis of why we are together, why we live and learn together, why we depend upon each other for solace and support. (Saralee Sky)
• A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. (Ogden Nash)
• The ritual of marriage is not simply a social event; it is a crossing of threads in the fabric of fate. Many strands bring the couple and their families together and spin their lives into a fabric that is woven on their children. (Author Unknown)
• A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase. (Author Unknown)
• Remember what Bilbo used to say: It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to. (J.R.R. Tolkien)
• There is power that comes to women when they give birth. They don’t ask for it, it simply invades them. Accumulates like clouds on the horizon and passes through, carrying the child with it. (Sheryl Feldman)
• Our grandchildren accept us for ourselves, without rebuke or effort to change us. (Ruth Goode)
• We all grow up with the weight of history on us. Our ancestors dwell in the attics of our brains as they do in the spiraling chains of knowledge hidden in every cell of our bodies. (Shirley Abbott)

A Snow Day by Saralee Sky

This year Crystal (six) started Kindergarten. On the days I take care of her and her younger brother, Jordan (three and a half), I only see her briefly in the mornings when I get her ready for school, then after school from noon until 3:30 when my daughter-in-law picks them up. I get more one-on-one time with Jordan now, which is good, but I miss the time I used to have with Crystal. She is beginning to move away from me now, into the world of school and peers.

Recently the Pacific Northwest where we live was hit by a major snow storm. Our area of the north Puget Sound is usually protected from fierce winter storms, but every so often weather patterns shift, and we are hit with a storm out of the Arctic north. This storm buries my car under a foot of snow. And school is cancelled – a Snow Day.

My daughter-in-law still has to work, as does my son, and so they brave the icy roads and drop off the kids (still in their pajamas) early at my house – 6:15 am. I bring the kids upstairs to my big bed and crawl in with them. I don’t know if it will work, but it does. We all fall back to sleep and wake up an hour later, a bit disoriented, but refreshed.

Jordan plays with his cars while Crystal and I take a shower together. We have a double headed shower with room for two people. It is one of Crystal’s favorite things to do when we have a sleep-over. She gets her own shower nozzle and so do I. After our shower we do yoga together - Salutation to the Sun. I teach her how to say Namaste with hands touching in front of her heart and what it means: "The light (self) in me honors the light (self) in you." We all get dressed and go downstairs.

We feed the cats and dogs together, then we have our own breakfast: cereal for Jordan and Crystal and a fruit smoothie for me. I offer to turn on Sprout or Noggin, but both Jordan and Crystal say no. They watch a lot of TV and videos at home. At my house they choose to keep the TV off most of the time.

We wander back upstairs and Crystal brings out her newest favorite game – Twister. She and I take turns spinning or following the directions (left foot green, right hand red). Each time one of us falls, Jordan hands us a baby carrot – something he devised as an essential part of the game.

Soon Jordan says he wants to paint, so we troop downstairs to the family room where the easel is and first Jordan, then Crystal paints a picture for their mom for Christmas. Jordan’s picture is full of big swirls of color. Crystal paints a portrait of her mother, with lots of hearts and flowers. I decide to have them both mounted on foam board, so I take them away to the laundry room to dry and hide from their mother when she picks them up. The kids promise to keep the secret. (And they do!)

We have “mac-cheese” for lunch, an organic brand we all like. Again I offer to put on a video and the kids say no. It’s too cold to play outside. It’s beginning to rain so the snow will soon melt, or freeze again at night. We go into the living room to finish decorating the tree. I put on a Christmas carol album (we have a record player in this room) with an orchestra and chorus.

Crystal begins to do ballet to the music. She has recently started taking ballet lessons. She poses with her hands in the classical ballet positions, her face serious with the effort to concentrate. She begins to twirl and leap around the room.

"Come on, Nana," she says. "Dance with me." I twirl around the room with her, tears in my eyes for this magical day with this magical child.

After dancing, we read books. Each child picks out their favorite Richard Scarry story or book. Then I choose some Christmas stories to read. We have a snack of ice cream (organic of course) and dark chocolate syrup. The day drifts by. Jordan plays alone with his wooden train set. Crystal stays close. We both seem to sense this is a special day, a re-bonding day. I have been a part of her life from the beginning. Our connection is strong, our friendship deep.

I remember those times when I was a mother – the times when schedules were suspended and we spent time - quality time - together. Once we took over two months and traveled from California to the East Coast and back, camping all the way. We visited relatives and lots of national parks. My sons were five and ten.

These mundane days, these special days, these re-bonding days are essential in the lives of families, couples, friends. They form the basis of why we are together, why we live and learn together, why we depend upon each other for solace and support. The connection I have with my grandchildren is an important part of the fabric of their lives and of my own. I am part of who they are, who they are becoming. They are part of who I am, who I am becoming. They might not remember this day, this mundane day, this special day. But it will remain as part of the threads that make up their sense of themselves, their understanding of who they are and their place in the world. They will know, deep down, that they are loved, as will I.

In a Nutshell - 19: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

• My own wish for children and parents alike is that they learn to find love and joy even amidst the world’s and their own imperfections…(Fred Rogers)
• Man plans and God laughs. (Yiddish saying)
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. (Author Unknown)
• Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans. (Fred Shapiro)
• Love your babies with all your hearts. Give them the very best start in life that you can – the knowledge that you love them for who they are and are there for them when they need you. (Saralee Sky)
• Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. (Fran Lebowitz)
• The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. (Rajneesh)
• The formative period for building character for eternity is in the nursery. The mother is queen of that realm and sways a scepter more potent than that of kings or priests. (Author Unknown)
• An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. (Spanish Proverb)