Just What Do We Actually Deserve?

The other day I had a very intense discussion with my younger son, Gabriel. He is 27 and his older (and only) sibling, Joseph, is about to turn 32.

Gabriel just completed his 4th quarter at our local community college. He has plans to go on for a 4-year degree in computer science at a nearby university. This is nothing short of a miracle to me, since Gabriel dropped out of high school in his junior year. He got his GED, but that was all he was willing to do as far as his education was concerned. He also got married at 18 and was a father at 20. He and his wife are still together (they celebrated their 9th anniversay recently) and they now have two children.

Back to the intense discussion: I jokingly told Gabriel that Joseph was so worried that Gabriel was going to get his BA before he did, that he re-enrolled at University of Washington! Joseph has been going to college on and off since he graduated from high shcool. He has many credits and a few different majors and an AA degree but no 4-year degree. I guess sibling rivalry has its good points, if it inspires Joseph to finish his education along with Gabriel!

I thought the situation was humorous, but it touched off a long string of associations for Gabriel going back to when they were teens and I gave Joseph a car when he was 17. I didn't give one to Gabriel. Actually, my partner at the time bought one for Gabriel, but he put restrictions on the use of the car and Gabriel resented them so much that he eventually lost the car entirely. My partner ended up giving the car to Joseph who ran it into the ground.

Gabriel was so upset as he talked to me. "I deserved to have a car given to me just like Joseph did! You stayed with my dad until Joseph was grown up, but you didn't wait for ME to grow up before you separated. I deserved to have both of my parents as long as Joseph did. I live nearby and see you all the time (I take care of his children 3 days/week), but Joseph lives in Seattle and you hardly ever see him." Get the picture?

To my credit and Gabriel's, this phone discussion did not escalate into outright anger and harsh words. I knew he was upset and I saw it as an opportunity to help him work through his resentments and get to the unmet needs underneath. I kept my voice calm. I went back over the events and let him know how I remembered them. I told him I was sad that his father and I were unable to stay together until he grew up. And I talked about being able to move past old resentments, to try to understand that we - none of us - deserve anything to be given to us.

I was able to give Joseph my old car when he turned 17, but I was in a different place when Gabriel turned 16. My partner, Mark, wanted to give Gabriel a car before I felt he was ready. He thought that Gabriel would be able to earn more car priveleges, but that only made Gabriel angry and rebellious. He was hanging out with wild and dangerous kids. He lost interest in his studies, in his wrestling and soccer and baseball, and eventually dropped out of high school all together.

When Gabriel wanted to get married at 18 at first I was totally against the idea as you can imagine. But then I saw that he was craving some limits, some way out of the tailspin he found himself in. His girlfriend, Jackie, was very straight and innocent. She was also a hard worker and she had clear goals for herself and her family-to-be. She was able to give Gabriel the limits he would not accept from his father or from me, and a way out of the wild crowd he found himself in. And now, 9 years later, he is able to go back to school and study hard and get all A's.

When Gabriel heard that Joseph was horning in on his school experience, it triggered a lot of unfinished situraions and feelings. We were able to work through them together. Gabriel was able to hear me say to him that laying blame on others for his own decisions and actions is not an impeccable way to live; that our only true goal in my opinion is enlightenment, freedom from the circle of birth and death. Gabriel did not deserve a car just because his brother got one. He has his own karma, his own path to follow, his own lessons to learn.

I love both of my children and I know that they are very different. Hopefully I will be around for a while as they walk their dharma, their own unique path to wisdom and enlightenment and as I in turn walk mine.