Saralee Sky's Blog (formerly Womb To Grow)

The Tale of the Queen-size Bed Frame by Saralee Sky

2010-06-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

OK, so we are hosting a B&B in our home. We decided to try it after the grad student moved out of our studio apartment. We furnished the apartment with furniture from our house to start: we used an antique desk and modern desk lamp from my office, a wrought iron double bed from our guest room with pillows and sheets and blankets, some lamps and a wicker mirror and wicker table also from our guest room, a wicker chair and ottoman from our living room. A bookcase and eating bar with stools were already in the apartment. We took pictures/wall hangings from all over the house, including the boxes in our garage. Then I went to Goodwill and got kitchen items - dishes and pots and pans and utensils. We took towels we already had and Voila! we had an Adorable Furnished Studio Apartment.
We listed the apartment with www.airbnb.com and cross-listed on Craigslist/vacation rentals in Bellingham. Airbnb enabled us to take credit cards and eliminated the spam that came from listing on Craigslist. You know, messages like: 'I prefer not to use a credit card. How about if I send you some money via Western Union? Ooops I sent you too much money! Just deposit the money in your own account and send me back the extra.' THOSE kinds of messages.
Anyway everything was proceeding along nicely until someone sent me an inquiry and asked if the bed was a double or a queen. It's a double, I replied. Oh, I really do not like doubles, they wrote back. I would rent your apartment if only you had a queen-size bed. Hmmmm, I wondered. Were there other people who looked at my pictures, noticed we had only a double bed and decided to take a pass?
We decided to buy a queen-size bed and return the double to our guest room. After all, we didn't want family and friends (read: non-paying guests) sleeping on the floor when they visited. I started looking at Craigslist ads that had pictures. I was willing to buy a used set as long as the mattress and box spring were relatively new and very clean-looking.
I found a few but they were sold by the time I noticed them and sent an inquiry. Pickings were slim for some reason. Then I found an ad/set I liked and emailed the guy who placed the ad. He still had it and would even deliver within the Bellingham city limits for an additional $10. That meant us. We went to see the mattress set and discovered that he had no metal frame. I was SURE he said he had one in the ad.
"No," he said, "I never said that." It must have been the other ads I perused.
"You can always get one at Goodwill for $10 or so," he said. Sure, I thought, how hard could it be? Answer: VERY hard, but I'll get to that later.
We paid the guy and he threw in the delivery for free. He and Jer loaded the set into his truck and we drove in caravan back to our house. We stored the set in our garage until we got a metal frame.
I heard again from the woman who only wanted a queen-size bed. We've decided we can squeeze into a double for a few days, she wrote. They booked the studio for a few weeks hence.
I was able to respond and say, Guess what? You won't need to squeeze into a double. We will have a queen-size bed ready for you by the time you arrive. Right? Maybe not.
I started perusing Craigslist looking for a metal frame for a queen-size bed, but could only find them attached to a mattress and box-spring. All of a sudden there was a plethora ('Would you say I had a plethora of pinatas?') of queen-size mattresses with and without box-springs and all with metal frames. All, that is, but the set in our garage. I emailed the people selling the bed sets and told them if they still had the metal frame left after their mattress and box spring were sold, I would take it off their hands. Never heard from any of them of course. Who buys a used mattress and box spring without the metal frame? No one, if you do not count us.
I started calling Goodwill, Salvation Army and Value Village.

Goodwill: "We don't have any used ones in, but we'll sell you a brand new metal frame for $49.95." What were they doing selling new stuff? No thanks! $50! Pshaw!
Salvation Army: "We don't have any in stock, but if we did they would be $14.95." OK.

Value Village: "We only have twins and double frames in but if we did have a queen-size one it would be $9.95. Keep calling." OK, I will.
And I did. I called them all every day. I made friends with the guy from Value Village. Kevin. He actually took pity on me and promised to call me when a queen-size frame showed up. While I liked Kevin fine as a phone buddy, I just didn't trust that he would actually call, so I kept calling him, or anyone else at Value Village who would answer the phone, then find someone to go and look. During one call the guy who answered said, "Yes! We DO have one. Better hurry!"
Jer and I jumped into the car and drove all the way across town to Value Village. We live in the SW corner of Bellingham and Value Village is in the NE corner. No matter; we were saving money, right? We got there and it was NOT a queen-size frame. It was a double. The guy I talked to was wrong. He wasn't Kevin. He just didn't know. Sigh.
A few days later we were in Seattle at a baby shower for my son and daughter-in-law and I got a call from Kevin!
"Hi Kevin! Good to hear your voice. Have you got a queen-size metal frame?"
"Yes I do!"
"Wow! How cool is that? Only one problem, we're in Seattle. How long can you hold it?"
"One hour." Shit! We were 2 hours away and were not even driving our car.
"We'll just have to come in on Monday and hope you still have it."
"OK. Good luck." Yeah.
Monday morning Jer and I headed off bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to Value Village. At last! We ran over to the metal frame bin. We knew just where it was, in the far-back corner of the store buy the used pictures and other furniture type things. Could Kevin have been wrong? He wasn't there of course. Could it have sold? The only frames we could find were for double beds.
"OK, that's it," said Jer. "We're buying a double frame. Then we'll go over to Hardware Sales and buy some angle iron." (Whatever the hell that is.)" I'll drill holes in it and it will act as an extension to the double frame, making it big enough for a queen. I'll bolt it together. It'll work fine." How hard could it be? Don't ask.
We bought the double metal frame and even had a coupon reducing the $9.95 cost by $3 to $6.95. Let's not add in our time or the gas to drive there twice or anything, OK?
Next stop, Hardware Sales. Amazing, angle iron actually exists and in many sizes. Jer picked out a 6 foot piece and we bought it: $20 give or take. Then we went into another building where they cut metal and did other cool stuff and they cut the piece in half for us, sparks flying. Angle iron is apparently not made of iron, but steel, bent in a 90 degree shape or angle.
Back home we go, where Jer proceeds to drill holes in the angle iron, ruining one of his drill bits. He fastened the pieces to the top and bottom bars of the frame and Voila! (yes, again) we had a queen-size metal frame. Just in time for the couple who so wanted a queen-size bed. They were arriving the very next day.
We assembled the bed, dressed it all up with new sheets and a blanket and a comforter/spread we already had and we were ready for our guests. We were out almost $30 for the frame, and lots of time and effort, but still we did NOT have to buy a new one so we were ahead, right? Wait.
The couple arrived and spent two days in the studio. When they checked out on Sunday morning, the woman mentioned, "Oh, the frame broke last night while we were sleeping."
"Really? That's awful! Why didn't you call us?"
"Oh, my husband put some phone books under the end that broke and that held it up for the rest of the night. Just thought you should know."
I was wondering why I put two phone books in the desk drawer. As my friend Cathy later said, "It must have been foresight!"
Back to Craigslist, bloodied but not bowed. I found a queen-size mattress for sale with a metal frame with - wait for it - a wooden headboard! Be still my heart. I emailed the guy and said I only wanted the frame and headboard. I would pay him $20 and come get it. He lived about 30 miles away in Birch Bay. I gave him my phone number. He called and said if he couldn't sell it as a unit he would call me back the next day. He called! He decided to donate the mattress to Goodwill and sell us the frame and headboard. Yes!
We decided to make a day of it and go to the beach with our grandson after we got the frame (and headboard). We really liked the guy. Until recently he and his wife had lived aboard their sailboat. He was busy fixing up the tiny house they bought and she was busy buying up every sort of plant and tree. Guess they were enjoying being earth-bound for a change.
And here the saga ends. We are out ~$50 total. Yep. The same amount a brand new metal frame costs at Goodwill. But we had adventures along the way and now this article. Priceless, right? Maybe not.

A Path with Heart by Saralee Sky

2010-04-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I started my new job as executive director of the Alzheimer Society of Washington on Tuesday - and quit 20 minutes after I walked in the door. Yes, it is probably some sort of record. I really do not know how to tell you what happened exactly, but this is the gist: the current director is just not ready to leave.

This Society was her creation, her baby for 30 years and she has not taken a penny for all of her efforts. I was hired to "take the Society to the next level;" to make the whole operation more professional, to reach more people, especially Baby Boomers, to raise more money - you get the picture.

The whole process of being hired - for a small stipend not a salary - was full of fits and starts. It was clear the board and director hoped I would basically volunteer my time rather than be paid for much of it. I refused to view this position as anything but a job, one which I would give my all, but be paid in kind, eventually if not right away.

When I arrived on Tuesday, it was clear I was not welcome. The current director had gone against her agreement with the Board and decided to stay for another 90 days. The office manager was openly hostile and rude and refused to acknowledge me as having authority over her in any way. She even refused my offer to "work together as a team in mutual respect".

I walked out of the office after being told to leave and return at 3:00 PM for the Board meeting and I knew I would never return. I have not. I called the Board president and told him what happened and said, "I am so sorry, but I cannot work here under these conditions." He was quite distraught and said he was planning to resign himself.

I had a good cry and have been processing all the emotions of the situation. The amount of rage shown me by the office manager was the hardest part to grok. I am still cleansing myself from her fury. I am so disappointed to have been attacked by two women, women who I respected for fighting the good fight. Was I a threat to them? Did I represent too much change?

I don't know. I only know that my heart has been wounded and I must take care to heal from this wound. To learn from it and go on with greater awareness and compassion for those who are closed and threatened by the Power of Yin and all the healing it will bring to this world. This path clearly had no heart for me.

And what is a path with heart? One which has integrity and does no harm. One which leaves the world a slightly better place. One which offers love and light, healing and support for all who walk it, all who cross it. I will find my new path with heart, one that will replace Babynut in my life, but not with the Alzheimer Society.

When the Wisdom of the Grandmothers is heard, the World, (and I) will heal.

***Note: The above events occurred on Tuesday, April 13th. On Friday, April 16th, flowers were delivered to me from the board president with this note: "Wishing you the very best and please accept our apologies for the treatment you received from A.S.W."

In a Nutshell - 38: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. (Joseph Campbell)

When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. (Regina Brett)

Early childhood is the most important part of life. It informs all that we do thereafter. (Mister Rogers)

Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present. (Regina Brett)

Envy is the art of counting another’s blessings instead of your own. (Harold Coffin)

When I count my blessings, I count you twice. (Irish Proverb)

We plant seeds that will flower as results in our lives, so best to remove the weeds of anger, avarice, envy and doubt, that peace and abundance may manifest for all. (Dorothy Day)

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (Unknown)

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart." (Unknown)

In the dew of little things, the heart finds its morning and is refreshed. (Kahlil Gibran)

When I count my blessings, I count you twice. (Irish Proverb) :)

In a Nutshell - 37: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-29T09:54:00.000-07:00

While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about. (Angela Schwindt)

When the wisdom of the Grandmothers is heard, the world will heal. (Native American Prophecy)

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. (Unknown)

One of the most essential ways of saying “I love you” is by careful listening – listening with the “ear of the heart.” (Mr. Rogers)

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects. (Unknown)

I've learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances. (Martha Washington)

Change the story and you change perception; change perception and you change the world. (Jean Houston)

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.' (Unknown

When I dare to be powerful -- to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. (Audre Lorde)

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. (Jack E. Leonard)

The Feminine Power of Yin by Saralee Sky

2010-03-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

As I contemplate Babynut's 6th birthday, I feel called to celebrate not only Babynut, but all women and their magical ability to create and nurture life and to give birth. This is the Power of Yin; of nurturing and holding life. It is the power of Shakti, the Feminine Principle.

Here is what Sharon McErlane*, author of Our Love is Our Power has to say about the primal energy of Woman: “Women embody not the yang-based power that is nearly worshipped in our world, but real power. Woman as the container, the wheel, the Mother ship, She who HOLDS. These ideas are foreign in our culture, foreign in our world. For thousands of years woman has been treated as the 'second sex' the 'also ran' of the human family, told to 'stand behind' men and know her place. Woman as shakti, the Feminine Principle, the elemental power of the universe, is not something our culture understands."

To all of the women who read this article, I say, embrace in your power. Visualize yourself as the vessel that you are. Sit in meditation and imagine yourself holding all that you love - your children, your spouse, your family, your friends. Now expand your vessel, your holding, to include the place where you live, all the animals and plants and people in your town, even the people or animals you don't like. Just hold them.

As you get comfortable with this exercise, you can expand your holding to include more and more of the Earth and all that dwell in and upon it. There is no limit to your holding. You are one with the Great Mother.

When a woman holds and contains, she is coming from the foundation of her power, the Power of Yin. Yin is the complementary universal force to Yang, which goes out into the world and is active and strong. But Yang cannot exist without Yin, and for much too long, women have been unaware of their power.

If a woman tries to imitate the Yang way men are powerful in the world, she will be a shadow of her real self. To be powerful, to be the mother that you are, you must learn how to hold, to be a vessel of love and strength and light.

I created Babynut as a way to hold all babies in the womb or newly born, all women pregnant, giving birth or caring for newborns. I believe that the time a child is in the womb and the first few years after birth is the most important time in that child's life. How babies are held in the womb and then birthed and held as they grow strong enough to walk on their own will determine how safe they feel in the world, how much they feel loved and nurtured, and in turn are able to love and nurture themselves and others.

Now is the time for women to own their power. I feel blessed to be living in a time when I can help to heal and rebalance the Earth with the Power of Yin. I am now a grandmother and am in the Autumn of my life. Before it is my time to go, I hope to grow strong with the Power of Yin, with holding. “When the wisdom of the Grandmothers is heard, the world will heal." Native American Prophecy

*To learn more about Sharon McErlane and the wisdom of the Grandmothers, click here.

In a Nutshell - 36: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-29T09:50:00.000-07:00

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. (Unknown)
Laughter is carbonated holiness. (Anne Lamott)
Live in the present. Do the things that need to be done. Do all the good you can each day. The future will unfold. (Peace Pilgrim)
Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression. (Haim Ginott)
The future is not some place we are going, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made. And the activity of making them changes both the maker and their destination. (John Schaar)
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' (Unknown)
Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved. (William Jennings Bryan)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. (Unknown)
It’s choice – not chance – that determines your destiny. (Jean Nidetch)

Tend and Befriend NOT Fight or Flight by Saralee Sky

2010-03-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain friendships with other women. It's a stunning find that has turned five decades of stress research—most of it on men—upside down.

"Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible," explains Laura Cousino Klein, Ph.D., now an Assistant Professor of Biobehavioral Health at Penn State University and one of the study's authors. "It's an ancient survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across the planet by saber-toothed tigers."

Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just "fight or flight."

"In fact," says Dr. Klein, "it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the 'fight or flight' response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead." When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect.

"This calming response does not occur in men," says Dr. Klein, "because testosterone—which men produce in high levels when they're under stress—seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen seems to enhance it."

This information makes so much sense to me! I have on occasion been ready to do battle to defend or protect my children, but my more consistent reaction to a stressful situation is to step back from it if it is dangerous, or calmly try to resolve the issue - talk it out. When I am unable to deal with the situation directly, I will pay attention to other people - my children or grandchildren, baking cookies or caring for them in some other way. I will also start cleaning and attending to minute details to try and manage the overwhelming feelings the stress is causing. I always figured something was WRONG with me when actually I am simply responding the way women are wired to respond.

The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was made in a classic 'AHA' moment shared by two women scientists who were talking one day in a lab at UCLA. "There was this joke that when the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and bonded," says Dr. Klein. "When the men were stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own."

Going to friends for succor and support is a very healthy way to deal with any sort of stressful situation. It helps us move the stress through our physical and emotional bodies and begin the healing process. Our women friends can give us the emotional support that the men in our lives may be unable to provide.

So go ahead and call that friend of yours you've been meaning to call. Meet for tea and have a nice, satisfying chat.

*The information in this article came from an article by Gale Berkowitz

In a Nutshell - 35: Pearls of Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-28T16:47:00.000-07:00

To change one's life: 1. Start immediately. 2. Do it flamboyantly. 3. No exceptions. (William James)

Turn your face to the sun, and the shadows fall behind you. (Maori proverb)

May you experience each day as a sacred gift woven around the heart of wonder. (John O’Donohue)

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart! (Erma Bombeck)

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. (Mark Twain)

The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one. (Jill Churchill)

The central struggle of parenthood is to let our hopes for our children outweigh our fears. (Ellen Goodman)

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. (Calvin Trillin)

Sooner or later, we all quote our mothers. (Bern Williams)

Bandaged Places by Saralee Sky

2010-03-28T16:45:00.000-07:00

A friend was talking about the events that had occurred over the course of her life. "Each situation took away a piece of me, and left me feeling less sure of myself, less whole."

I pondered her statement for a long time and then I asked her, "Is it possible that the parts of you that were taken away were parts that you no longer needed?"

We often view events or crises as diminishing our sense of self, our ability to feel strong and whole, but perhaps it is just the opposite. Perhaps when our ego is bruised or our self-esteem is diminished, we are actually making room for a whole new understanding of who we are to shine through.

Rumi says, "Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.

I look over my life and I can see plenty of bandaged places. I used to feel like there was a hole where my heart should be. A big gaping wound that no amount of bandages could cover. I had to put an imagined steel belt around my heart to keep it from feeling too much pain, from coming to terms with the gaping hole. But that hole was precisely the spot where the light seeped through. When I eventually let go of the steel band and let the pain pour out, even more light poured in. I felt more whole, more centered in my self, more full of light.

Our scars are also our greatest potential for growth and enlightenment. Without them we would become complacent and spiritually lazy. Every trauma we go through is a potential bandaged place and a potential place for the light to shine through. Instead of looking at an event with sadness or pain, try looking at it as a window through which the light of your own spirit can shine and help you to heal. Take off the bandage slowly. There will be pain, but there will also be light.

As parents we worry that a traumatic event may scar our children for life. Death of a loved one. Divorce. Moving to a new city. Being the victim of a bully. We see their wounds and scars as our fault. If we were better parents, our children wouldn't have to go through this pain and suffering.

We ARE responsible for a lot of what our children must experience. We make the major decisions that affect their lives for good or ill. I am not absolving you of your responsibility as a parent. Rather I am challenging you to look at a difficult event as a potential for your growth as well as the growth of your children. Help them to express their feelings and also help them to feel the light shining through their discomfort. If children can learn that growth and light come from every difficult event in their lives, they will welcome the events as they come and open up to the light, rather than avoiding any conflict or wallowing in sadness, self-pity or resentment. And the bandaged places will heal without a scar at all.

In a Nutshell - 33: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-28T16:36:00.000-07:00

Fly without hesitation to the edge of the horizon with outstretched wings and vivid dreams trusting you will not fall. (Heather Handler)

Before I speak, I have something important to say (Groucho Marx)

In the end we will conserve only what we love. We will love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught. (Baba Dioum)

Just as parents care for their children, you should bear in mind the whole universe. (Zen Master Dogen)

If an unnamed baby gets sick, name it and it will get well. (Naming legend)

All good things are wild, and free. (Henry David Thoreau)

When lighting a fire, give it the name of someone you love. If the fire goes out, your love is unrequited. If it burns, your love is returned. (Naming legend)

No, Groucho is not my real name. I’m breaking it in for a friend. (Groucho Marx, born Julius Marx)

Everything that irritates us about others can lead to an understanding about ourselves. (Carl Jung)

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. (Groucho Marx)

I swear I will not dishonor my soul with hatred, but offer myself humbly as a guardian of nature, as a healer of misery, as a messenger of wonder, as an architect of peace. (Diane Ackerman)

Swearing In Ceremonies by Saralee Sky

2010-03-28T16:34:00.000-07:00

We all make promises, to ourselves and to others. And perhaps the most formal “oath” we take is part of our marriage ceremony. We vow to love, honor, respect, etc. I am sure we all mean the words as we say them on that special day, but do we keep the vows alive over time? Not all promises are able to be kept. Not all vows hold over time. But surely it is good to try and live up to the lofty ideals contained in oaths. They have worthy goals: “Do no harm.” “Until death do us part.” “Defend the Constitution of the United States.”

I swear I will not dishonor my soul with hatred, but offer myself humbly as a guardian of nature, as a healer of misery, as a messenger of wonder, as an architect of peace. (Diane Ackerman)

The above quote from Diane Ackerman came to me fromwww.gratefullness.org as part of their email program, Word for the Day. Many of their quotes give me pause, but none more so than this one. I am struck by the power of the words, and the intention of the oath. I do not know why Ms Ackerman created this oath, what ceremony she was participating in if any. But what if – each and every morning – we all had to swear to live our lives a certain way? If we did, then what better oath than the one Ms Ackerman has created?

I have decided to take this oath every day, each morning as I start my day. I offer it to you and to President Obama. It is not as formal or specific as the President’s oath, but it says so very much more to me. It uses words like: guardian, messenger, healer, architect. When I see myself as a guardian, as a messenger, as a healer, or as an architect, I feel powerful, able to make a change for better in the world. More important it uses the word humbly. This word reminds me not to take myself too seriously, even though I may be a guardian, messenger, etc.

I am touched by this oath, this attempt to align oneself with nature, wonder and peace, and to move away from hatred. I read Ms Ackerman’s words and I want to live up to them, be worthy of them, have them engraved upon my soul. What better eulogy could I have than to have it said of me: “she hated no one or no thing, she loved and protected the sea, the earth, and all who dwell therein, she healed the sick and the sick-at-heart, she filled herself and those around her with wonder, and she worked tirelessly for peace”?

In a Nutshell - 32: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

Service is the rent we pay for the privilege of living on this earth. It is the very purpose of life, and not something you do in your spare time. (Shirley Chisholm)

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. (Quentin Crisp)

School vacation has meant plenty of time here at home for our two little girls, Kaysa, age four, and Emma, age six, to fight with each other. On one occasion, I heard Kaysa shriek right before seeing Emma run out of their bedroom. I asked Emma if she had 'assaulted' her sister again. Emma immediately said, "No, Mama, I didn't 'a salt' Kaysa, I 'a peppered' her!" (Britt Holmstrom-Salisbury)

There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: not going all the way and not starting. (Buddha)

Every act of service we perform makes our lives, the lives of others and the Earth a tiny bit better. (Saralee Sky)

The mind determines what is possible. The heart surpasses it. (Pilar Coolinta)

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. (Victor Borge)

One must have chaos in oneself in order to give birth to a dancing star. (Friedrich Nietzsche)

Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly. (G. K. Chesterton)

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. (Carl Sagan)

We Live Therefore We Serve by Saralee Sky

2010-03-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

"Service is the rent we pay for the privilege of living on this earth. It is the very purpose of life, and not something you do in your spare time." Shirley Chisholm

When I was a young woman, I tried to get a job at a fancy restaurant as a waitress. It was the only job available in the rural area where I was living. When asked what experience I had, I lied and said I had worked my way through college as a waitress at my uncle’s fancy restaurant. The closest job I actually had was serving ice cream and burgers.

I got the job and was given six tables to wait on. Each table had six courses to be served in addition to drinks and wine from the bar. I was completely out of my ken. I really had no idea how to open wine with a flourish, keep track of which table was on what course, make sure everyone got what they actually ordered, etc. And then I realized two things: taking care of six tables was like performing an intricate dance. I could immerse myself in the steps of the dance and keep the food and drink flowing. But most important was to approach each table with a true attitude of service.

“How can I help you?” became my mantra and also my heart-felt approach to my job. I was genuinely interested in each group I served. I was honest in telling them that I was new to this type of job. I laughed at myself as I struggled with the wine corks, or forgot who ordered what. I listened to each and every person and soon had them telling me about their lives in the course of the six courses they consumed. I may not have been the best waitress, but I was the friendliest and got lots of praise from my customers and really good tips.

The key here was that I realized as a waitress I was there to serve my customers. Truly serve them. Once I became aware of this, my customers responded with delight and appreciation.

Since that time I have pondered the idea of service. So much of what we all do each and every day is a kind of service, but if we are not aware of it, we lose the opportunity to really experience the benefits and effects of that service. What exactly do I mean by “service”? To serve can mean offering comfort and aid to another human being, feeding the birds on cold winter days, clearing out a storm drain after a big rain, sending money to a favorite charity, volunteering in your child’s classroom. But service also means making breakfast for your family, changing a diaper, grocery shopping, cleaning the toilet, sweeping the floor. The list is endless. We perform countless acts of service every day without being aware of it. As soon as we become aware, the experience is enhanced and we are uplifted by each act of service instead of feeling drained.

Every act of service we perform makes our lives, the lives of others and the Earth a tiny bit better. As we enter the new year, I challenge you to make two new years resolutions: to be more aware of how you already serve and to try to be of more service to this planet, your country, your community, your family, and yourself. Happy New Year!

In a Nutshell - 31: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween. (Erma Bombeck)

Forever on Thanksgiving Day, the heart will find the pathway home. (Wilbur D. Nesbit)

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. (Norman Vincent Peale)

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. (Gregory, 5)

Long after the latest fad toy is discarded or given away, the time you spent together or the doll house you made will have a place of honor in your children’s lives and memories. (Saralee Sky)

During the early months of your baby's life, he sleeps when he is tired, it’s that simple. You can do little to force a new baby to sleep when he doesn’t want to sleep, and conversely, you can do little to wake him up when he is sleeping soundly. (Elizabeth Pantley)

Help your neighbor’s boat across and lo! Your own has reached the shore. (Hindu proverb)

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

If I had influence with the good fairy who is supposed to preside over the blessing of all children, I should ask that her gift to each child in the world be a sense of wonder so indestructible that it would last throughout life. (Rachel Carson)

Gifting Your Children or Grandchildren by Saralee Sky

2010-03-28T16:26:00.000-07:00

I was listening to NPR Weekend Edition Saturday and I heard the saxophonist, Joshua Redman, playing some songs and talking about his father, tenor saxophonist, Dewey Redman. Dewey came to play at a recent recording session with Joshua. When they were done, Dewey asked to play a song on his own, without Joshua. Since it was Joshua's album, it was a strange request. But Joshua said OK and left to get some coffee. When he returned, his father was done. It only took one take and the name of the song was "GJ".

Joshua and his wife had recently had a baby, and this song was a gift to Dewey's grandson, Jaden. Dewey died shortly after the recording. This beautiful, soulful song will be a lasting legacy to his grandson. Jaden will grow up without knowing his grandfather, but he will have this very special gift, this song, written and performed just for him by this great Jazz musician.

After listening to this report, I started thinking about gifts we give to our children and our grandchildren. We want to be sure they have the best clothes, toys, books, sports equipment. Maybe one special toy or one special book will remain with them as they grow, but mostly they will grow out of the things we give them, unless we truly give them something of ourselves.

The holidays are fast approaching. The pressure is on to provide the latest fad toy or fashion. How will you gift your children? Your grandchildren? Who are you? What is special about you? What do you love to do? Believe in? Support? What kind of gift can you give to your children or grandchildren that says: ‘This is me. This is how I feel about you. This is what I want you to remember about me.’?

Perhaps it will be a handmade quilt or doll house, a story you write, a picture you paint, a special memento from your own parents you pass on, a camping trip, an afternoon spent fishing, a walk in the woods. Whatever it is, I urge you to think about what you want your children to know about you or your grandchildren to remember about you. Give them gifts that tell them something about who you are, what you know, what you love.

I love to sew and to knit. I also love camping and walking in the woods. Last year I knitted a sweater for each of my grandchildren. I did not make my deadline of Christmas, but they all got one eventually. This year I have been sewing clothes for my granddaughter’s American Doll. I plan to make a matching outfit for them for Christmas. This past summer I went camping with my son, daughter-in-law and two of my grandchildren. As often as we can, I take them for walks in the woods. And for gelato. We ALL love gelato! J

Give them memories in the here and now. Today may be all we ever "have", but our todays are built upon the days that came before. Long after the latest fad toy is discarded or given away, the time you spent together or the doll house you made will have a place of honor in your children’s lives and memories.

If I had influence with the good fairy who is supposed to preside over the blessing of all children, I should ask that her gift to each child in the world be a sense of wonder so indestructible that it would last throughout life. (Rachel Carson)

I wish you a very special and loving holiday season.

In a Nutshell - 30: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

Motherhood is an immense responsibility. In my opinion, it is the most overwhelming, meaningful, incredible, transforming experience of a lifetime. No wonder it produces such emotional and physical change! (Elizabeth Pantley)

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half. (Gracie Allen)

We can all learn from the resiliency of weeds. They grow where they can. They allow us to pluck them from the soil. And then they grow again. And again. No judgment. No blame. Perseverance furthers. (Saralee Sky)

I had assumed that the Earth, the spirit of the Earth, noticed exceptions -- those who wantonly damage it and those who do not. But the Earth is wise. It has given itself into the keeping of all, and all are therefore accountable. (Alice Walker)

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval. (George Santayana)

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant. (Robert Louis Stevenson)

I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward. (Thomas Edison)

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. (Philo of Alexandria)

We are born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society. (Judith Martin)

The Resiliency of Weeds by Saralee Sky

2010-03-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

We built a new house on a corner parcel of land. In the process of digging out a basement and due to all the people working on the building, the grass was covered up or destroyed. I took advantage of that fact to create a yard that was all garden and no lawn. Over the last three years I have added many plants and shrubs and ground covers, along with trees, fruits and vegetables. But in addition to all that I have chosen and planted on my own, many plants have arrived via wind-born seed or bird droppings. The result is that I have many weeds living among the cultivated plants.

In some cases I just let the weeds grow along side whatever I have chosen, so you will see a 6-foot mullein plant near my rose bushes, or yarrow popping up here there and everywhere. The clover and buttercup are so abundant, however, they threaten to completely cover up my lovely blue-star creeper, the ground cover I have chosen for its tiny magical star-shaped flowers that cover it from May through September. So out I go into the fray, starting in April and continuing into May and June, tearing out the clover and the buttercup and the crab grass and the dandelions in order to let the very forgiving blue star creeper and vinca and knick knick a chance to grow and thrive.

My husband laughs at my determination. "It's a losing battle," he says. And he is right. Along about July my enthusiasm for weeding starts to lag. By August I am postively weeded out. All my beliefs about weeding being good therapy, about how meditative and healing it is to get my hands in the dirt wanes. Instead I look out at the chaos that is my yard and have an intense urge to lie down in the hammock and read a book.

The trick is not to look too closely. People walk by and, when they see me in my yard, tell me, "I just love your garden! It makes my heart glad to look at it." These words would inspire me to longer weeding sessions in the early summer. Now I just look up from my book and say, "Thanks".

So the losing battle has been lost. The weeds knew it all along. They have let me come through and tear some of them up, knowing quite well that sooner or later I'd get tired. Each time I came through they bowed to my weeding will and started growing again as soon as I passed by. Their resiliency and ability to forgive my weeding ways was and is boundless.

I never feel so accepted for who I am as when I am weeding in my garden. "Come and play in the dirt," the plants seem to say to me. "We will let you pick who stays and who goes for just this little while. Then we will come back where we will and live in harmony, rose and mugwort, dandelion and hydrangea, fuchsia and buttercup."

We can all learn from the resiliency of weeds. They grow where they can. They allow us to pluck them from the soil. And then they grow again. And again. No judgment. No blame. Perseverance furthers.

In a Nutshell - 29: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

Be open to the unknown ahead, the trail that leads you to true beauty. Or be ready to turn around, care for your child and see her true nature. (Heidi Ahrens)

Who is it that can make muddy water clear? No one. But left to stand, it will gradually clear of itself. (Lao Tzu)

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many' and the word 'ticks' meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. (Larry Hardiman)

There is no way to peace. Peace is the way. (A. J. Muste)

Holiness comes wrapped in the ordinary. There are burning bushes all around you. Every tree is full of angels. Hidden beauty is waiting in every crumb. (Macrina Wiederkehr)

Earth's crammed with heaven, and every common bush afire with God. (Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant…and let the air out of the tires. (Dorothy Parker)

Not knowing when the dawn will come, open every door. (Emily Dickenson)

I would be the most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough book shelves. (Anna Quindlen)

Transitions by Saralee Sky

2010-03-24T12:02:00.000-07:00

We all have so many transitions to navigate during the course of a single day, let alone the changes we must all experience as we live and grow. Some of us move with ease and grace from one transition to another, letting go of what was and embracing what is to come. Some of us fight every change, every letting go and every leap into the unknown until it becomes familiar.

My five year old grandson, Jordan, recently developed a resistance to every transition during his day. When his mother tries to get him ready to come to my house in the mornings so that she can go to work, he is likely to have a tantrum saying that he wants to stay home. When it is time for me to take him to school in the afternoon, he will hide and cry and say he hates school and doesn’t want to go. When it’s time to pick him up from school he will run away from me – sometimes into the parking lot where cars are coming and going – saying he doesn’t want to leave school. And when his mother comes after work to take him home from my house, he will refuse to leave my side. I realize that he has to face a lot of different places each day, but in each place he is loved and cared for and always ends up having a good time, once he relaxes and accepts the transition.

Growth means change, and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown George Shinn

Perhaps for Jordan, each time he leaves whatever safe haven he is in means stepping from the known to the unknown. He must take the leap of faith that Nana’s house will be safe and fun and that school will be safe and fun and that home will be safe and fun, over and over in his young life.

We have all learned not to make a big fuss over it. When he arrives at my house I assess his body language when he first comes in the door. I try to greet him. If he says “No!” and runs to hide, I let him do so and let him come to me. He will eventually come to me and say, “Play with me.” I greet him then and tell him that of course I will play with him after he has had breakfast.

When it is time to go to school and he resists, I tell him, “I know you do not like leaving one place and going to another, but your teacher really likes you and the other children are all looking forward to playing with you. Let’s look on the calendar to see what you will be doing today.” Just acknowledging his fear and his resistance allows him to work through it.

Is it possible to feel safe and scared at the same time? I think so. Perhaps it is the higher self and lower self battling it out. Jordan’s higher self says “You will be safe wherever you are and whoever you are with,” while his lower self says. “I like it fine where I am. I don’t want to go anywhere else, take any risks. Let me stay here where it’s safe and familiar.”

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. Albert Einstein

Seen in this light, it is miracle that Jordan works through his fear and resistance each and every day and takes the leap into the relative unknown of my house, of school and of home again. I must appreciate more just how brave this little boy is as he steps each day into the unknown and lives to tell the tale.

I, too, am facing a transition in my life. I must choose whether to continue on with Babynut, or to let it go and wait to see what comes into my life next. This is not an easy transition for me, but one that I must make soon nevertheless.

Who is it that can make muddy water clear? No one. But left to stand, it will gradually clear of itself. Lao Tzu

I am waiting for the water to clear and for my way to become known. I have enjoyed every step of the journey that is Womb To Grow and Babynut. It has been a labor of love for me. Still, I also need it to stand on its own and grow and flourish. Since it has not become profitable in almost 5 years of operation, I must make the choice to let it go or continue to try to make it work on more than just a personal level. Whatever I choose will be one more transition in my life, one more chance for growth and understanding.

I have reached a point in my life where I understand the pain and the challenges; and my attitude is one of standing up with open arms to meet them all. Myrlie Evers

In a Nutshell - 28: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-24T12:01:00.000-07:00

One thing is certain: Children need lots of free, quiet time to get used to all that’s developing within them. (Fred Rogers)

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home. (Bill Cosby)

None of us is exactly like anyone else, but one thing we have in common is our humanity, our very natural, understandable desire to know that at least somebody,onebody, thinks there’s something special about us, something worth caring about. (Fred Rogers)

Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them. (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

Every time we affirm how special our children are to us for being themselves, we’re helping them grow into adults who rejoice in the diversity of the world’s people. (Fred Rogers)

Never have children, only grandchildren. (Gore Vidal)

Help your neighbor’s boat across, and lo! Your own has reached the shore. (Hindu proverb)

I have reached a point in my life where I understand the pain and the challenges; and my attitude is standing up with open arms to meet them all. (Myrlie Evers)

When it is dark enough you can see the stars. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. (Groucho Marx)

Children Need to Feel Safe by Saralee Sky

2010-03-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

Last year my granddaughter, Crystal, went to Kindergarten. Her first day at school was also her first soccer practice, which took place a few hours later at the school's playground. She was already on sensory - or new people and place - overload when we walked across the street from my house to the school to meet her coach and her team mates.

Most of the other girls were taking this first practice in stride, playing on the grass or playground equipment and happily waiting for the instruction to begin. The coach and his assistant each had a little girl on the team. They started the girls playing a chase game and generally getting to know each other. Gradually they stared giving some rudimentary instruction.

Crystal is a child who likes to observe from the sidelines for a while before joining in, but this just didn’t seem to be an option. The other girls listened and responded to what the coach told them to do. But Crystal kept looking over at me and her mother and waving, as she jumped up and down and shot her hands into the air above her head. The coach noticed this jumping behavior and tried to engage Crystal's attention, but she would not/could not listen to him at all. She had no idea what she was supposed to do or where she was supposed to go. She looked happy enough - for a jumping bean.

I particularly noted the way her hands shot into the air above her head, fingers splayed open, as if she was a conduit for some sort of electric charge. I had observed this behavior before when she was excited about something and wanted to get my attention, but never to this extreme. Months later I shared this behavior with my cousin, Marcia, who is a Healing Touch Therapist. She told me that Crystal needed to know she was safe; that when she displayed this behavior she was trying to discharge the extra energy coursing through her body caused by the fear of a new situation and the inability to manage and control her world.

The other girls seemed more at peace with this situation, more able to take in the instruction and practice the new skills being taught. Crystal was just too overwhelmed to take in anything the coach said. Her need to stay on the sidelines was something we should have supported instead of encouraging her to join in and participate with the other girls. I had to struggle with my own need to have her be like everyone else, instead of the unique and special and sensitive child that she was.

Her first game took place on the following Saturday. Crystal and her parents and younger brother, along with two sets of grandparents dutifully reported to the soccer fields. She was dressed in her uniform and very excited to play, until she arrived at the park and saw all the other – 100’s – children there. She had been practicing at her elementary school’s playground. Now she was at the official soccer fields – all 30+ of them. No one had thought to prepare her for the crowds of players and parents and refs and coaches. She looked around and promptly hid in her mother’s lap. No amount of coaxing from her family or her coaches or her team mates would induce her to go out on the field.

We wisely let her stay in her mother’s lap, but we did not leave until the game was over. Now she knew what to expect. The next week we took her to soccer practice at her school as if nothing had happened. She began to participate more, but still was unable to listen to the coach when he would teach the girls to play a certain skill-building game. He learned to get down at her level and talk directly to her over time. When we arrived at the soccer field the next Saturday, she was able to play in the game.

By her third game she actually scored a goal! Her spontaneous celebration – leaping with both hands high in the air over and over – is legendary and unique among all the girls. Her coach says it was “worth the price of admission”. This time the hands in the air seemed to say, “Hurray for me!”

Now we are all more sensitive to Crystal’s own unique needs to feel safe and secure in new situations. My cousin (the Healing Touch Therapist) has taught me to say either directly or telepathically, “You are safe. I will keep you safe. I am here to help and support you." Recently I went to the park with Crystal. She would run around and play on the slide or climbing apparatus, then come running over to stand in front of me. "You are safe," I told her. "I will keep you safe." Then off she would run to play again.

In a Nutshell - 27: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

One good turn usually gets the whole blanket. (E. Joseph Cossman)

Gratitude is the intention to count your blessings every day, every minute, while avoiding, whenever possible, the belief that you need or deserve different circumstances (Timothy Miller)

You know you’re old when you’ve lost all your marvels. (Merry Browne)

Growth means change, and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown. (George Shinn)

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. (email from a friend)

I believe that as a reader myself, that excellent books inspire us to talk to one another and to share our new ideas and questions. (Jenny Rich)

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. (Albert Einstein)

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. (Henry Walpole)

Being grateful forces us to stay in the moment, in the NOW, because we must look at our life as it is this moment and feel happy to be alive. (Saralee Sky)

An Attitude of Gratitude by Saralee Sky

2010-03-23T09:58:00.000-07:00

“Gratitude is the intention to count your blessings every day, every minute, while avoiding, whenever possible, the belief that you need or deserve different circumstances.” (Timothy Miller)

For me the challenge is not in feeling grateful for all that I have and love, it is in maintaining that feeling when things don’t go my way. I usually have a picture in my mind of how I want my life to be, how I want my children or grandchildren to behave and grow, and I am very willing to be grateful for all that! It is when things don’t go according to plan that my attitude of gratitude suffers.

Recently my four year old grandson, Jordan, has developed a resistance to any transition during his day. When his mother tries to get him ready to come to my house in the mornings so that she can go to work, he is likely to have a tantrum saying that he wants to stay home. When it is time for me to take him to school in the afternoon, he will hide and cry and say he hates school and doesn’t want to go. When it’s time to pick him up from school he will run away from me – sometimes into the parking lot where cars are coming and going – saying he doesn’t want to leave school. And when his mother comes after work to take him home from my house he will refuse to leave my side. I realize that he has to face a lot of different places each day, but in each place he is loved and cared for and always ends up having a good time.

I have to go through Jordan’s resistance each time a transition comes up. I try and approach it with patience and firmness, but never have I thought of it as something to be grateful for, to be warm and happy about. Rather I see it as something we must all get through and something that I do NOT look forward to in any way.

“Growth means change, and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown.” (George Shinn)

For Jordan, each time he leaves whatever safe haven he is in means stepping from the known to the unknown. He must take the leap of faith that Nana’s house will be safe and fun and that school will be safe and fun and that home will be safe and fun, over and over in his young life.

Is it possible to feel safe and scared at the same time? Is it possible to feel grateful and resentful at the same time? I think so. Perhaps it is the higher self and lower self battling it out. Jordan’s higher self says “You will be safe and happy wherever you are and whoever you are with,” while his lower self says. “I like it fine where I am. I don’t want to go anywhere else, take any risks. Let me stay here where I know it’s safe.” My higher self says “Every moment is a gift, every challenge an opportunity to practice gratitude,” while my lower self says “I deserve more – more money, more time, more cooperation from Jordan.

“There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”(Albert Einstein)

Seen in this light, it is miracle that Jordan works through his resistance each and every day and takes the leap into the relative unknown of my house, of school and of home again. It is a miracle that we are alive and aware and able to choose feeling grateful rather than feeling resentful and full of self-pity. It is a miracle that we have another day, another hour, another minute of life in which to contemplate the miraculous.

We all lead very busy lives, full of schedules for work and school and household chores. The list goes on and on. We wake up and hit the floor running with no time to remember the dreams we had during the night. We rush through our days making sure we get to most of the things on our “To Do” list only to fall back into bed too exhausted to feel much of anything let alone contemplate how miraculous life is and how grateful we are to be alive! Seen through the lens of all that we must accomplish in a day it is truly a miracle that we can get through each day only to rise to meet another full of more things that must be done.

Trying to stay with the awareness of life as a miracle from moment to moment is as difficult as maintaining an attitude of gratitude, but it is much the same. Being grateful forces us to stay in the moment, in the NOW, because we must look at our life as it is this moment and feel happy to be alive. To view everything as a miracle is one step further into the moment if such a thing is possible. First we are grateful about who we are and where we are and what we are doing and then we realize what a miracle it is that we are alive and able to contemplate the miracle of it all. And then the baby cries or your toddler refuses to go to Nana’s or your boss emails you for an update on the project that is due tomorrow and the contemplation of miracles or gratitude flies out the window.

Perhaps the trick is not to stay in the moment full of gratitude, but to remember to return to it again and again throughout our busy lives. I know this sounds like just one more thing to add to an already overflowing list of things to do in a day. But it is really a “stop and take a breath” kind of thing, a moment in which I look into my grandson’s eyes and realize what a gift he is and how much I love him and how I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else or be anyone else. And then the tantrum becomes a miracle.

In a Nutshell - 26: Pearls of Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

In our family, our ideas about food are completely integrated with our politics and our spirituality. (Barbara Kingsolver)
There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after. (J. R. R. Tolkein)
Pregnancy is a natural time to change your life for the better, and motherhood keeps the changes coming. (Barbara Kingsolver)
A baby in the womb first hears its mother's song. She is nourished by the cord between them, but she is also soothed and carried by the song she is surrounded by as she floats and grows. (Saralee Sky)
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him. (J. R. R. Tolkein)
Within your heart, keep one still, secret spot where dreams may go. (Louise Driscoll)
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. (J. R. R. Tolkein)
When someone has taken up residence in your belly, you’re forced to slow down and think beyond yourself. First, of your own baby. Then someone else’s. (Barbara Kingsolver)
The Road goes ever on and on down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, and I must follow, if I can, pursuing it with eager feet, until it joins some larger way where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say. (J. R. R. Tolkein)
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. (Chinese Proverb). Note: This is the second issue in a row in which I have placed this quote. It inspired my ‘wisewords’ article, so I believe it bears repeating.

A Bird Does Not Sing Because It Has an Answer by Saralee Sky

2010-03-23T09:55:00.000-07:00

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. (Chinese Proverb) There is no "If - Then". There are no conditions to the singing. Cage a bird and - though saddened by the loss of its freedom to take wing – still it will sing.

This applies to humans as well. I heard on National Public Radio about a Jewish man and woman who found love in a concentration camp during WWII. Miraculously they both survived and were able to marry after the war. While everything around them was bleak and full of depravity and despair, they found a way to sing their song of love.

In Yiddish it is called a nigun, a melody, a tune, a song we are forever trying to remember, to recapture and to sing.

A baby in the womb first hears its mother's song. She is nourished by the cord between them, but she is also soothed and carried by the song she is surrounded by as she floats and grows. Perhaps it is the emergence of the baby's own song that pulls her from the womb. Gradually her own song takes the place of her mother's. Where will that song take her? What bits of melody will inform her life as she grows?

When we are little babies I believe we hear our own nigun loud and clear. It is so much a part of us that we do not need to sing it aloud, though some of us may try. As we grow older the needs and expectations of others may soon drown out the sound of our song, our nigun: so many voices clamoring for our attention; so many outer enticements pulling us away from our center. Still the song keeps on singing deep within: high or low, soft or loud, fast or slow. At night before sleep we can almost hear it. In our dreams we catch snatches of the melody.

As our life unfolds we may stop listening to our nigun and start looking for answers outside of ourselves. We ask why: Why is life so hard? So cruel? So unfair? So short? So long? What does it all mean? Why am I here? The search for answers takes us far away from our song. “There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.” (J. R. R. Tolkein)

In the end as in the beginning, life's longing for itself is the only answer needed. To hear it and to sing it and to live it, you must listen within, to that still small space within your heart. Only you can hear the melody, the words, the rhythm. Only you know when it is soft or loud, high or low, fast or slow. Within this melody lies all the answers, all the reasons why. The search to rediscover our nigun is a worthy challenge for us all.

In a Nutshell - 25: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

Children certainly can be our teachers. Looking in the mirror of my daughters, I have seen my own shadow and faced my own dark side more than any other way. (Cheryl Dimof)
A student asked a Zen master to write something very wise. The master wrote one word: “Attention.” (Old Zen story)
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. (Chinese Proverb)
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. (Josh Billings)
Children will be who they are; all we can offer is the right environment for their growth and development, whichever way they unfold. (Cheryl Dimof)
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. (Welsh Proverb)
In the workshop, in the home, while walking, while talking, while hiking; in the very midst of these we develop and realize our mind’s true peace. (Shodo Harada Roshi)
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that and you start to age quickly. (Gene Perret)
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. (Murphy’s Other Law)
Treat a child as though he is already the person he’s capable of becoming. (Haim Ginott)

Each Child Has Their Own Life Lessons to Learn by Saralee Sky

2010-03-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

I have two sons, both grown now. Joseph is five years older than Gabriel. When they were younger, they were acutely aware of each other’s place in the family, especially my younger son, Gabriel. He wanted to do whatever his big brother did, even if his little body just could not keep up. Instead of feeling honored that his little brother looked up to him so much, Joseph resented Gabriel’s desire to do what he did and thus the battle lines were drawn. I often felt torn between the two boys and what they each needed or desired or thought they deserved. I was also very aware of the fact that they were two very different children with very different needs and personalities.

Joseph was very self-contained and self-aware from the moment he emerged from the womb. He needed very little correction and was more comfortable with gentle guidance and clearly defined limits set mainly for his safety. As he grew older he took the role of the “opposer” in the family constellation and would often say no to an activity simply because the rest of us wanted to do it. He fought with his little brother all the time and was usually the victor, simply because of his size and weight advantage. I think he might have been happier as an only child. (Wouldn’t we all?)

Gabriel was a quiet, peaceful baby, but as he grew his competitive streak emerged and he was always trying to win at anything he did – sports, games, anything. If losing at a board game like Monopoly, he was not above throwing the board across the room, ending the game for everyone. Gabriel was also very affectionate and needy for affection in return, and he could be very stubborn when it came time to put away toys or get ready for bed.

As a parent responsible for the growth and guidance of these two unique people, I discovered early what major lessons each had to learn in their lives and tried my best to help them work their way through them. With Joe, I tried to show him the box he placed himself in when he opposed a family outing just for the sake of standing firm and alone. An “opposer” is basically a frustrated leader. I found ways to let him make more decisions for us all, like which movie or playground or restaurant, but the larger life choices still had to be made by his father or me. I also tried to show him how the battle with his younger brother was largely of his making. If Joseph did not rise to the bait of Gabriel’s competitive nature and was more of an ally and mentor to Gabriel, the fights would cease. It had to come from him, the oldest and the one who set the battle lines in the beginning.

With Gabriel I tried to be patient and consistent, working with him to at least place one block back in the box while I put in ten, easing him out of his stubbornness. When he got older and threw game boards across the room, I would wait until he calmed down and then sit and talk quietly with him about his actions. I believed it was important that he understand that his actions had immediate and also long term consequences and the older he got the bigger the consequences. I also tried to show him that his intense need for affection was often impossible to meet. He would have to learn to look within to find the comfort and solace he needed. I took him with me to my meditation group and he enjoyed the peaceful atmosphere and the chanting when he was young very much.

As the boys grew into teens their life lessons grew with them. Joseph resented the choices I made for the family, moving us from California to West Virginia and finally to Washington state. When his father and I separated he blamed me, since it was my decision to do so. It took us a long time to work through his feelings. The hardest thing I ever did was sit quietly and listen to him tell me how every decision I had ever made for him was wrong, starting with not circumcising him! It was a long and emotionally exhausting list. He was sixteen then. He forced me to see the consequences of my decisions from his point of view rather than my own – a completely different vantage point!

Gabriel continued to up the ante in his actions/consequences cycle. At fourteen, he threw a rock through a shop window with some friends and was the only one caught. He spent the night in Juvenile Detention and was thoroughly sobered and chastised by the experience. Among other consequences, he had to apologize to the shop owner face to face. His emotional neediness continues to be a problem for him in his marriage from time to time. Learning to look within for comfort and solace will be a life-long challenge for him I believe, but one which he is slowly learning how to solve.

When Joseph turned eighteen, he stopped fighting with Gabriel. I noticed the calm and asked him what happened. He said Gabriel was on the wrestling team now and might be able to “take him” in a fight. While that may have been part of it, I choose to believe that Joseph’s maturity was also a factor. While they are not as close as I would like them to be, they love each other dearly. Joseph still keeps himself apart from the family, but hovers on the boundaries, ready to jump in when he perceives a need.

The boys have grown into young men and now lead lives independent of me. They continue to work on their life lessons. I watch as Joseph works through his need to be in charge and the distance he puts between himself and his family. I watch as Gabriel works through his need for affection and his need to win. Each has his own dharma, his own path to follow. I love both of my children and I appreciate their differences. Hopefully I will be around for a while as they walk their own unique path to wisdom and enlightenment and as I in turn walk mine.

In a Nutshell - 24: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

Does family remember family? There is something that pulls families apart and brings them back together. Something in the DNA that makes us recognize each other. (Helene Morrow)
Other things may change us, but we start and end with family. (Anthony Brandt)
Family can nurture us in all phases of our lives: as babies, children, young adults, crones. There are reasons we were born to our own particular families. We have lessons to learn, gifts to give and to receive. (Saralee Sky)
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. (Anonymous)
In Birth, women are given a rare gift. It is an opportunity to experience growth and an encounter with themselves and Spirit that is life transforming. (Marcie Macari)
Grandmothers are just "antique" little girls. (Author Unknown)
For happiness one needs security, but joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair. (Anne Morrow Lindbergh)
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. (Gene Perret)
A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of a faraway place. A traveler on a plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of home. (Carl Burns)

Family Endures by Saralee Sky

2010-03-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my cousin, Helene, on the phone recently. We talked about a book she is writing about our family. Helene and I are first cousins. Our mothers were sisters. They came to this country from Russia after WWI. Helene is writing the story of our family in Russia and then in America up to the point when all the cousins of our generation were born. I am the youngest cousin of my generation.

Helene said to me, "In essence I am looking for people who no longer exist and I am finding them." She is giving new life to our mothers and aunts and uncles, to our grandparents and great grandparents. They will no longer be two dimensional pictures in an old album. She is infusing them with personalities, with hopes and dreams.

"Does family remember family?" she asked me. "There is something that pulls families apart and brings them back together. Something in the DNA that makes us recognize each other."

I agree with her and, to illustrate her point, will relate a story from my own recent experience, but on the paternal side of my family. I grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania, went to college in Boston, then moved to California. In essence I moved away from my family of origin to find my own way in the world. While I kept in contact with my mother's side of the family, I lost touch with the uncles, aunts and cousins on my father's side.

In the last few years I started to reconnect with some of my first cousins on my father's side of the family. Email helps keep us in touch with each other's lives now and erases time and distance. A few months ago I got an email from my cousin, Marcia. Her father and my father were brothers, which makes us first cousins. We had not seen or heard from each other since we were in high school - over 40 years ago!!! We have each been married, had children, grandchildren, but never did our paths actually cross. Marcia told me via email that she was planning a trip from her home in Chicago to an island in Alaska to observe grizzly bears. She wanted to know whether she could stop by our house on the way to visit for a few days. We live in Washington state.

I said of course - come on over! And then I put the dates of her visit on my calendar. I didn't give it much thought until a week before she was to arrive, when she emailed me again to give me her flight arrival time and cell phone number. "Wow, she's really coming," I said to my husband. "I really do not know her at all. What if we don't get along?"

As we discussed Marcia’s upcoming visit, I realized I really wasn't worried about her coming. "If she wants to come and see me, it is meant to be," I said. "I will trust Intent (the cause behind all action) that Marcia and I will connect in a meaningful way."

Rather than feeling apprehensive, I was actually looking forward to her visit. When the day arrived I picked her up from the airport shuttle with my grandchildren in tow. She was short with curly hair like me and completely without makeup of any kind - also like me. We went to a park so she could stretch her legs and the kids could play. As we walked along a path together, we were both feeling the pieces of our separate lives - so long apart - coming back together.

Marcia is a healer, trained in Healing Touch Therapy. She also studies with a Cherokee Shaman. While my path has been to study with east Indian holy men and women, the lessons we have been learning are basically the same. We are both actively pursuing a path of devotion and learning on the way to (hopefully!) enlightenment.

Marcia helped me to heal a nagging chronic injury to my feet. She held my grandson's energy while he underwent surgery to repair decay to his teeth. She taught my granddaughter how to make princesses out of Hollyhock flowers. She bought me the book "Animal Speaks". She went running with my husband. When she left three days later I could not imagine a time when we were not connected, when our lives were far apart.

I never met Marcia's husband, who died six years ago. I have never met her three children, her six grandchildren. She never met any of my children or grandchildren until she came for this three-day visit. It didn't matter. The family that we are both a part of pulled us back together, helped us reconnect.

We realized how similar our childhoods had been, though we lived in different towns. Both of our mothers died when we were very young and both of our fathers died when we were teens. Marcia is six years older than I am, and she often spent the summers at our house with my older sister before I was born and when I was a baby. She had loving memories of my mother, the mother I lost when I was three and barely remember.

The visit was a blessing to us both in so many ways. We regained a part of our past and enriched our present. If we never see each other again, we will be forever changed by this three-day slice of time spent together. On the shuttle back to the airport, Marcia wrote to me: "I am feeling and thinking of our time together, which seems like it always was. I want to thank you...for the gift of who you are that allowed for the seamless relationship we had and have."

It is never too late to reconnect, to touch the life of someone we once knew and loved. Family can nurture us in all phases of our lives: as babies, children, young adults, crones. There are reasons we were born to our own particular families. We have lessons to learn, gifts to give and to receive. I am fortunate to have such wonderful cousins on both sides of my family. Family endures, love endures, hope endures. And so it is.

In a Nutshell - 23: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

The world is full of women blindsided by the unceasing demands of motherhood, still flabbergasted by how a job can be terrific and torturous. (Anna Quindlen).
The most important thing she'd learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one. (Jill Churchill)
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. (Rita Rudner)
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. (Sam Levenson)
Sometimes the laughter in mothering is the recognition of the ironies and absurdities. Sometime, though, it's just pure, unthinking delight. (Barbara Schapiro)
I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions. (Augusten Burroughs)
At some point we all feel like we are drowning in motherhood. (Saralee Sky)
Not the power to remember, but its very opposite, the power to forget, is a necessary condition for our existence. (Sholem Asch)
You’re not famous until your mother knows about it. (Jay Leno)

Drowning in Motherhood by Saralee Sky

2010-03-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

Recently my husband and I were out in our garden when a neighbor came by on a walk with her family. Her six-year-old daughter, Shayna, was on her bicycle, her one-year-old son, Jared, was in the stroller, and my friend and her husband were on foot. The two men started talking, and I talked to the kids and their mom. At one point my neighbor said, "Shayna has her special time, Jared has his special time, my husband has his personal time, but where is the Me Time? Where is Barbara's time?"

I wanted to say, “Just wait a few years!” but I knew this was notwhat she wanted to hear. I could sympathize as I watched them walk away. I had been there, too. We all feel like that at some point I am sure. What about mothers who have three children or four or five? Their Me Time is postponed even longer I suppose. At some point we all feel like we are drowning in motherhood.

As a brand new mother, I was overwhelmed for the first six months of my baby's life. It seemed like the only time I was able to sit still was when I nursed my baby. Gradually I was able to relax into the role (after the 3 month bout with colic ended) and I even read a book while Joe was nursing. I would lift my eyes from the page and see him peering intently at me as he nursed. I had so much love for this little person who had such a huge presence, such great awareness, and who was so dependent upon me. And I was terrified I was going to do something wrong that would scar him for life.

I gradually settled in to motherhood and was quite content to have this one child. We settled into our routines and there was time every day for me to read or sew. I was also working part time. But time was slipping away and the peer pressure was intense for me to have a sibling for Joe, so my partner and I decided we had better have one more soon or not at all. When Joe was four years old, I got pregnant with my second baby.

Gabe was born in late April, three weeks early. Still, I was ready for him or so I thought. As the mother of two I felt more comfortable in my role. I was able to take care of both of my boys, pay attention to them, feed them, do their laundry, etc., without the periods of overwhelm or panic I experienced the first time around. The only problem was, I had no time left over for my self. No reading time, meditation time, daydream time. Someone always needed me. I was always holding one of the boys. I got very weary of being touched all the time.

I felt like I was always tending to everyone else's needs and demands. The addition of a second child changed things exponentially. The time and attention it took to go from mothering one child to mothering two children didn’t just double, it quadrupled! Where was Sara in all this? I was losing sight of my self. I was drowning in motherhood.

I do not mean to say that I resented my role as a mother, or that I resented my children (and my partner) for needing me as much as they did. I just felt like I was losing my own identity as I tended to the needs of everyone else. Learning to take some time for just me was very hard for me to do.

When Joe was eight and Gabe was three, I went to graduate school. I met a woman there who was also a mother and in the graduate program. I complained to her about not having enough hours in the day to do my school work and take care of the house and the kids, figuring she would understand and commiserate.

“How many kids do you have?” she asked.

“Two,” I replied.

“Two? Two kids are EASY! I have four!” she said. “Just picture the amount of laundry I have to do each and every day. The meals, the home work – theirs and mine – the soccer games. Two kids are a walk in the park!” She certainly put my problems into a new perspective. I stopped whining, at least to her.

Now, looking back, I can see that there are cycles to mothering. Some of the time it feels like we are in the flow, moving from one chore to the next, anticipating and meeting the needs of our children, our partner, our home, our career, the dog. It begins to feel like a complicated dance that only we know how to perform. We swirl and leap and dip through our days, making sandwiches, changing diapers, reading stories, writing articles, folding laundry, making dinner as though we were born to it. A professional mother, capable and strong.

And then one little thing too many goes wrong in one day. The baby and the dog get sick at the same time. The car brakes down on the way to the doctor’s office. The computer crashes just as the dish washer overflows. And it all comes crashing down.

Instead of dancing the intricate steps of motherhood, skimming along the surface; we are now drowning in motherhood. My friend Teri - one of six kids – remembers her mother locking herself in the bathroom and sobbing. My husband Jer – one of five kids – remembers his mother getting out the wooden spoon. I remember feeling like I couldn’t breathe, there just wasn’t enough air!

It is all OK. It will all right itself again. But we may need the help of a sympathetic partner or grandparent or friend, who can step in and take something off of our plate just for a while. As soon as everyone is in bed and they are asleep with their angelic little faces peeking over the covers, the love for these precious beings will begin to flow forth again and the strength to carry on as a graceful, loving mother will re-emerge.

While we are in the midst of the intensity of this mothering dance, we think it will never end. But I am here to tell you it does; at least the needs and demands of mothering ends. My sons are 27 and soon to be 32. They live their own lives and really do not want my interference. They love me and respect me, but they have their own lives and they do not need my help most of the time. And so I am free to look back with nostalgia, to listen to Barbara say “Where is the Me Time?” and remember feeling the same way many years ago. Now I can say and mean it: Me Time is over-rated!

In a Nutshell - 22: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

All of our caring and all of our joys and sorrows as parents are meant to accomplish one thing: that our children will grow up and away from us. (Saralee Sky)
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. (Kahlil Gibran)
God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. (2nd Grader)
Our children are richer when we let them know that we, even as adults, want to grow, too, and that we hope to keep growing all our lives. (Fred Rogers)
You are the living bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. (Kahlil Gibran)
Each of our life journeys is unique. No child will take the same journey as the parent and no parent can determine what a child’s journey will be. (Fred Rogers)
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. (Child Wisdom)
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. (Tom Wilson)
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. (Albert Einstein)

Every Day Caring Builds a Life by Saralee Sky

2010-03-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

Falling down the stairs when I was two – the day my mother died when I was three – calling my Aunt Betty stupid and getting spanked by my father when I was four – being very sick and crying and crying when the doctor came to the house to examine me when I was five – crossing the street and hearing the loud screech of brakes; looking to my right as a car stopped within inches of my leg when I was six – riding my two wheeler, hitting the curb and almost falling into a passing car when I was seven. These are the memories that stayed with me into my adulthood. They each have an element of crisis or trauma in them, which helped them make the transition from short-term to long-term memory.

But what of the every day kinds of things? Waking up to a sun-filled room - being held, bathed, fed – my head in my father’s lap while he rubbed my sleepy head – conversation around the dinner table – going out to eat on Friday nights – watching TV with my family in the evenings – being read to – learning to tell time, tie my shoes, ride a bike – going fishing with my father – getting ice cream on hot summer nights – catching fire flies. These kinder, softer memories were a part of my childhood, too, yet they are hazy like a dream almost remembered. These mundane, everyday kinds of events were the building blocks of my life, my understanding of the world, my sense of self. They were more important than the isolated traumatic events, yet they have mostly faded into oblivion, simply because they were so ordinary.

As parents we spend countless hours caring for our children. When women learn they are pregnant, they cut out bad habits and start eating better, knowing that they are eating for two. Many women strive for as natural a birth as they can, hoping to ease their child’s way into this world. Then the caring for this infant begins in earnest. Hours upon hours of holding and rocking and feeding and changing and bathing. Each new skill is applauded and recorded: the first time baby’s eyes could focus across the room - the first smile – the first time she grasped her toes – rolled over – sat up without help – pulled herself up to a standing position – crawled – walked – fed herself – said “mama”.

All of our caring and all of our joys and sorrows as parents are meant to accomplish one thing: that our children will grow up and away from us. Everything we do for them is to help them build a life independent of our everyday caring. Yet our everyday help and support and nurturing is what builds our children’s lives and makes it possible for them to grow strong and sure of themselves.

I remember my oldest son’s first few steps of independence. He would toddle away from me on his sturdy little legs, then look over his shoulder to make sure he knew where I was. At the first scary encounter – a cat running by, the caw of a crow – he would toddle back to me and grab my leg, needing the physical reassurance that I was still there, his home base of safety. Gradually those independent journeys took him farther and farther away. Still I was waiting in the wings to cheer him on, sometimes with tears in my eyes as I watched the journey that would inevitably mean he would grow up and out of my home, but never out of my loving support.

Step by step our babies grow and learn, and we help them to do just that. We teach them to take care of themselves: brush their teeth – wash their hands before they eat – put on a coat before going out in the cold. We help them through their fear of the dark – of the barking dog – of the big girl swing. We teach them to tell the truth, to finish what they start, to stand up for themselves and their beliefs. And the reward for our everyday caring is that one day they will look at us and say, “That is what YOU think, that is NOT what I think.”

They have thoughts of their own, ideas of their own, dreams of their own. Kahlil Gibran says:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the living bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so he loves also the bow that is stable.

We are the stable bows that give our children the steady everyday caring that makes them able to fly in the end to meet their own future, their destinies. Our constant steady caring, full of mundane tasks repeated over and over, makes it possible for our children to grow up and out into the world. Be proud of every brush stroke, every bowl of cereal, every trip to the park, every nightmare soothed, every scraped knee kissed to make it better. You are all my heroes.

In a Nutshell - 21: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

You are a child of the invisible…each of us comes from somewhere more ancient than any family…you bring a sense of belonging to the invisible that you can never lose. (John O’Donohue.)
We are all in this alone. (Lily Tomlin)
Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine. (2nd Grader)
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. (child wisdom)
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. (child wisdom)
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. (Jewish Proverb)
Not having children makes less work—but it makes a quiet house. (Susan Glaspell)
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. (Erma Bombeck)
I tell you folks, all politics is applesauce. (Will Rogers)
God playing a game of tag has kissed us and said, “You’re it. I mean you are – REALLY IT.” (Hafiz)

We Are All in This Alone by Saralee Sky

2010-03-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

I write today from the vantage point of a mother and a grandmother. Who knew I would live so long? The days of being a young mother come back to me now as I interact with my son and daughter-in-law and with the parents of my grandchildren’s peers. The parents seem so young to me! It is nothing short of a miracle that they are able to take care of themselves, let alone their children.

Some of the parents are very together – patient and loving toward their children, calm and self-possessed in their own lives. Some of the parents look like they are happy to have just made it through to another day, slipping and sliding through their lives by the seat of their pants. I watch the children and their parents scurrying about and a Lily Tomlin quote comes to mind: “We’re all in this alone.”

When I was a young mother I was often terrified that my decisions and behavior were directly affecting my children. They were so totally dependent upon me for their very existence and survival. It was such an awesome responsibility and I often felt woefully unprepared. Still I loved my sons deeply and they forgave me my mistakes again and again. I got used to making decisions for them and for our family. We were all in this together albeit alone (see above).

I became a strong advocate for them as they went through school. But I also moved them around as I went through graduate school myself, and then decided to move from California to West Virginia and then eventually to Washington state. They had to go along. They were prisoners to my life choices. Sometimes they liked the choices I made and sometimes they definitely did not. My oldest son was more vocal about his disapproval. He liked West Virginia and did not want to leave.

I also became a devotee of Swami Muktananda when I was pregnant with my first son. Both of my children spent a lot of time with me in meditation centers and ashrams. They celebrated Guru Purnima along with Chanukah, Christmas, Easter and Passover. My oldest son was not as enamored with my yoga practice. “He’s your guru, he’s not my guru,” he told me. My youngest son could sit still for hours while we chanted in Sanskrit at the ashram. He was more of a yogi than I was. Now as adults, my oldest son considers himself a Taoist and my younger son goes about trying to turn his rowdy friends into kind and loving people.

During my children’s teenage years, their father and I separated and eventually divorced. This was another huge decision my sons had no choice about. And again it was me who was the driving force behind the decision. My ex-husband and I are close friends now. We see each other often and celebrate holidays together with our sons. We are each remarried and our spouses get along and we get along with each other’s spouses. An Ozzie and Harrier divorce as my sister likes to call it. But that is now. When the separation was happening my sons had to go through their own pain and suffering. My thirteen-year-old asked me, “Why can’t you wait until I’m 18?” Why couldn’t I? Because it seemed as though I would die if I didn’t make the change. My own survival was at stake.

As I grew into motherhood and womanhood, I would often try to make my decisions based on causing the least amount of turmoil or pain. But in the end I caused a great deal of both for all of us. My sons were forced to see me as a fallible human being with needs and dreams of my own separate from my role as their mother. They had to experience their own reactions to my decisions and behavior. My love for them was always apparent, and perhaps that is what got us through the hard times. We are very close to each other even as we lead our own separate lives.

Now I am a grandmother. My youngest son decided to marry at eighteen and become a father at twenty. He is still married and has a six year old daughter and three year old son. He started going to college this year and is somehow managing to work part time, go to school full time and take care of the kids three days a week. I help take care of my grandchildren two days a week, sometimes more. I went through each pregnancy with my daughter-in-law and son. I was present for each of their births. I help out at my granddaughter’s Kindergarten class and my grandson’s preschool class. I go to all the soccer games. You get the picture. I am very involved with my grandchildren.

I love them with all my heart and I also know I am not the main influence in their lives. I am not their parent. I can stand by to help and support, but I cannot force my will upon my children or my grandchildren. I can merely lead by example. I cannot make their decisions for them, live their lives for them, keep them from making their own mistakes.

I have so much compassion for young families as they struggle to meet the everyday demands life and their own decisions have placed upon them. I see my son and his wife trying to juggle all of the balls of being young parents, working, going to college, finding some time to play. I see their children as their steadying force. If my son had not married and become a parent as soon as he did, he was in danger of spinning out of control. He needed an anchor to keep him grounded and out of serious trouble. Sometimes he chafes at the responsibility, but mostly he takes it all in stride. I see none of the terror I felt at being responsible for another human being. My daughter-in-law goes about her days doing the best she can, working full time, attending to the needs of her children and her husband, taking little to no time for herself. They do not have the time to reflect on the awesome responsibilities they shoulder!

My oldest son and his girlfriend work with abused and emotionally disturbed children in an inpatient setting. They say they will eventually have children of their own, but not now. My son has very clear ideas about how to raise children and set limits. I cannot wait until he has his own children. Then we shall see if his rigid theories continue to hold water.

I am learning so much about myself and about the cycle of life as I enter this crone phase. I am growing old and I still have so much to learn. Will I ever reach a place of true wisdom? We are truly all in this alone, but “alone” to me now means “all one”.

In a Nutshell - 20: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

So the child learns life within human arms. It learns to eat…to laugh, to play, to listen, to watch, to dance, to feel frightened or relaxed, in human arms. (Margaret Mead)
These mundane days, these special days, these re-bonding days are essential in the lives of families, couples, friends. They form the basis of why we are together, why we live and learn together, why we depend upon each other for solace and support. (Saralee Sky)
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. (Ogden Nash)
The ritual of marriage is not simply a social event; it is a crossing of threads in the fabric of fate. Many strands bring the couple and their families together and spin their lives into a fabric that is woven on their children. (Author Unknown)
A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase. (Author Unknown)
Remember what Bilbo used to say: It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to. (J.R.R. Tolkien)
There is power that comes to women when they give birth. They don’t ask for it, it simply invades them. Accumulates like clouds on the horizon and passes through, carrying the child with it. (Sheryl Feldman)
Our grandchildren accept us for ourselves, without rebuke or effort to change us. (Ruth Goode)
We all grow up with the weight of history on us. Our ancestors dwell in the attics of our brains as they do in the spiraling chains of knowledge hidden in every cell of our bodies. (Shirley Abbott)

A Snow Day by Saralee Sky

2010-03-18T12:42:00.000-07:00

This year Crystal (six) started Kindergarten. On the days I take care of her and her younger brother, Jordan (three and a half), I only see her briefly in the mornings when I get her ready for school, then after school from noon until 3:30 when my daughter-in-law picks them up. I get more one-on-one time with Jordan now, which is good, but I miss the time I used to have with Crystal. She is beginning to move away from me now, into the world of school and peers.

Recently the Pacific Northwest where we live was hit by a major snow storm. Our area of the north Puget Sound is usually protected from fierce winter storms, but every so often weather patterns shift, and we are hit with a storm out of the Arctic north. This storm buries my car under a foot of snow. And school is cancelled – a Snow Day.

My daughter-in-law still has to work, as does my son, and so they brave the icy roads and drop off the kids (still in their pajamas) early at my house – 6:15 am. I bring the kids upstairs to my big bed and crawl in with them. I don’t know if it will work, but it does. We all fall back to sleep and wake up an hour later, a bit disoriented, but refreshed.

Jordan plays with his cars while Crystal and I take a shower together. We have a double headed shower with room for two people. It is one of Crystal’s favorite things to do when we have a sleep-over. She gets her own shower nozzle and so do I. After our shower we do yoga together - Salutation to the Sun. I teach her how to say Namaste with hands touching in front of her heart and what it means: "The light (self) in me honors the light (self) in you." We all get dressed and go downstairs.

We feed the cats and dogs together, then we have our own breakfast: cereal for Jordan and Crystal and a fruit smoothie for me. I offer to turn on Sprout or Noggin, but both Jordan and Crystal say no. They watch a lot of TV and videos at home. At my house they choose to keep the TV off most of the time.

We wander back upstairs and Crystal brings out her newest favorite game – Twister. She and I take turns spinning or following the directions (left foot green, right hand red). Each time one of us falls, Jordan hands us a baby carrot – something he devised as an essential part of the game.

Soon Jordan says he wants to paint, so we troop downstairs to the family room where the easel is and first Jordan, then Crystal paints a picture for their mom for Christmas. Jordan’s picture is full of big swirls of color. Crystal paints a portrait of her mother, with lots of hearts and flowers. I decide to have them both mounted on foam board, so I take them away to the laundry room to dry and hide from their mother when she picks them up. The kids promise to keep the secret. (And they do!)

We have “mac-cheese” for lunch, an organic brand we all like. Again I offer to put on a video and the kids say no. It’s too cold to play outside. It’s beginning to rain so the snow will soon melt, or freeze again at night. We go into the living room to finish decorating the tree. I put on a Christmas carol album (we have a record player in this room) with an orchestra and chorus.

Crystal begins to do ballet to the music. She has recently started taking ballet lessons. She poses with her hands in the classical ballet positions, her face serious with the effort to concentrate. She begins to twirl and leap around the room.

"Come on, Nana," she says. "Dance with me." I twirl around the room with her, tears in my eyes for this magical day with this magical child.

After dancing, we read books. Each child picks out their favorite Richard Scarry story or book. Then I choose some Christmas stories to read. We have a snack of ice cream (organic of course) and dark chocolate syrup. The day drifts by. Jordan plays alone with his wooden train set. Crystal stays close. We both seem to sense this is a special day, a re-bonding day. I have been a part of her life from the beginning. Our connection is strong, our friendship deep.

I remember those times when I was a mother – the times when schedules were suspended and we spent time - quality time - together. Once we took over two months and traveled from California to the East Coast and back, camping all the way. We visited relatives and lots of national parks. My sons were five and ten.

These mundane days, these special days, these re-bonding days are essential in the lives of families, couples, friends. They form the basis of why we are together, why we live and learn together, why we depend upon each other for solace and support. The connection I have with my grandchildren is an important part of the fabric of their lives and of my own. I am part of who they are, who they are becoming. They are part of who I am, who I am becoming. They might not remember this day, this mundane day, this special day. But it will remain as part of the threads that make up their sense of themselves, their understanding of who they are and their place in the world. They will know, deep down, that they are loved, as will I.

In a Nutshell - 19: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

My own wish for children and parents alike is that they learn to find love and joy even amidst the world’s and their own imperfections…(Fred Rogers)
Man plans and God laughs. (Yiddish saying)
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. (Author Unknown)
Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans. (Fred Shapiro)
Love your babies with all your hearts. Give them the very best start in life that you can – the knowledge that you love them for who they are and are there for them when they need you. (Saralee Sky)
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. (Fran Lebowitz)
The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. (Rajneesh)
The formative period for building character for eternity is in the nursery. The mother is queen of that realm and sways a scepter more potent than that of kings or priests. (Author Unknown)
An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. (Spanish Proverb)

Emotional Intelligence by Saralee Sky

2010-03-18T12:39:00.000-07:00

I was leafing though the September 2006 issue of the magazine American Baby when I came across an article describing the concept of emotional intelligence. In the article, a Harvard psychologist named Daniel Goleman was quoted saying, “Whatever our mental faculties may be, our emotional intelligence determines how well we put them to use.”

This article struck a very resonant chord with me. I have always believed strongly in the importance of the first three years of a child’s life. More explicitly, I have believed in the importance of the child’s life while in the womb and the first six years beyond the womb. I even named my company Womb To Grow! While I did not coin the term “emotional intelligence,” I have encouraged parents to give their children unconditional love and support during their early years to establish a strong base of self-esteem. In my experience, if a baby feels loved and valued from pre-birth on, she will be able to handle whatever life experiences come her way with a greater degree of resiliency and fewer emotional scars.

The article went on to explain that no matter how many intelligence-building toys and music and activities a baby or toddler is exposed to, he won’t be able to take it in, much less put it to use, if he doesn’t feel emotionally secure. I can relate to this concept from my own experience as a baby and toddler.

My mother was sick when she got pregnant with me, but her doctor didn’t know what was wrong with her. “You have too much time on your hands, Trudy,” he said. “Why don’t you have another baby?” My sister was eight years old at the time and my mother had been suffering for years with strange, undiagnosed ailments. She followed the doctor’s suggestion, and I was born about a year later, but Trudy’s health did not improve. In fact, it got worse.

When I was two years old, my mother was sent to John’s Hopkins University Hospital, where the actual diagnosis was made: she had Scleroderma, an auto-immune disease which affects the skin and other organs and is eventually fatal. She died a little over a year later, when I was three and a half and my sister was twelve.

I have no clear memories of my early years, just disjointed pictures and feelings, and stories (like the above) told to me by aunts and older cousins. The clearest early memory I have is of sitting in my highchair in my Aunt Goldie’s kitchen. The phone rang and my aunt answered it. She listened, then dropped the phone and wailed. The picture is still vivid to me to this day. No one told me what had happened. No one needed to tell me anything. I knew that my mother was dead.

I am telling you, the reader, all this because I want you to understand the difference between emotional intelligence and mental intelligence. I was a very smart little girl. I came from a family of very smart people and everyone liked to say I was the smartest in my family. I may have been the smartest, but my emotional IQ was very low. I am not blaming anyone for this situation. My mother was very sick. She was in and out of hospitals from the time I was born. My sister was watching her mother slowly wasting away. She had no time for a little baby that took what was left of our mother’s attention. My father was working six days a week at his grocery store, and trying to deal with the needs at home of two children – one very young – and a beloved wife who was obviously dying. It is no wonder that no one had time to take much care of my emotional needs.

Before and after my mother died, my Aunt Goldie tried to provide the emotional support my mother could not give to me. Her love for her departed younger sister and - by extension – for me helped to soothe my pain and fill the void my mother’s death had left in my heart. Even though she lived across town, she would have my uncle drive her up to our house to put me to bed each night. I went to sleep to the sound of her voice telling me stories. I cannot over-emphasize the healing effect she had upon my young life.

When I was four, my father tried to put me in Nursery School as it was called then. I became hysterical and refused to leave his side. I was not ready to be among children my own age. Never a patient man, he took me home and left me in the care of our housekeeper. I spent most of my days playing by myself. I developed a rich fantasy life which may also have helped to heal my sorrow and allow me to gradually become ready to enter the world of school. I went to Kindergarten at the age of five and was able to manage and even excel at school. But to this day I am uncomfortable in large groups of people and have to force myself to go to parties or other social events.

My journey toward the healing of my early emotional trauma has taken me many places – to college in Boston – to California during the tumultuous ‘70’s and to the coastal mountains of northern California as part of the “back to the land” movement – to an East Indian holy man – to the practice and study of yoga and meditation – to my two home births and mothering my own two children – to becoming a therapist for abused women and children – to helping to raise my own grandchildren – to starting Womb To Grow and Babynut.com. And all along the way I have never forgotten that little girl in her highchair and the loss I felt as I watched my aunt react to the death of her sister, my mother.

We cannot completely script our lives. We can plan and hope and dream and some of the plans and hopes and dreams may well come to fruition. But there is an old Yiddish saying: “Man plans and God laughs.” Or, in the words of a John Lennon song: “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.” When an unexpected event or trauma is visited upon us, it is our emotional resilience and security that will see us through.

Love your babies with all your hearts. Give them the very best start in life that you can – the knowledge that you love them for who they are and are there for them when they need you. All the fancy toys and classes and preschools are just window dressing compared to a strong and positive sense of self. They will develop their mental intelligence with much greater ease if they have a strong emotional base.

If you are not able to be home with your baby or toddler each day, make sure the people in charge of child care understand how important it is to be loving and reassuring. My grandchildren are cared for by their parents, but also by various grandparents during the week. They know they are loved and supported by each and every one of their caretakers. Professional caregivers can also be kind and supportive. The important thing to be sure of is the intent of the caregivers and the love and respect they show to your child and expect in return.

In the words of my favorite child/parent guru, Mister Rogers: “The roots of a child’s ability to cope and thrive, regardless of circumstance, lie in that child’s having had at least a small, safe place (an apartment, a room, a lap) in which, in the companionship of a loving person, that child could discover that he or she was loveable and capable of loving in return. If a child finds this during the first years of life, he or she can grow up to be a competent, healthy person.”

In a Nutshell - 18: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. (Carl Sandburg)
To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while. (Josh Billings)
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. (Phyllis Diller)
Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. (Robert Fulghum)
Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage. (Marcelene Cox)
A child needs a grandparent, anybody's grandparent, to grow a little more securely into an unfamiliar world. (Charles and Ann Morse)
Though the human body is born complete in one moment, the birth of the human heart is an ongoing process. (John O’Donohue)
I learned that true words spoken can sometimes relax pelvic muscles by discharging emotions that effectively block further progress in labor. (Ina May Gaskin)
All children – all people – are looking for the same things. We ALL want love and security and acceptance. A child may not be able to articulate those needs in clear sentences. Instead, a child will act out his feelings and hope that the adults around him get the right message. (Saralee Sky)

Children Can Teach Tolerance to Adults by Saralee Sky

2010-03-16T10:46:00.000-07:00

Recently I took care of my three grandchildren, Crystal (almost six), Carson (five) and Jordan (three) for the day. Crystal and Jordan are siblings and are used to having me take care of them two to three days a week. They know the routines and expectations. They are comfortable in my home and with me and my husband, Jer.

Carson is an only child and is usually watched by his maternal grandfather. He sees us occasionally; once a month at most. It takes him most of the morning to settle in to the routines of our house and to our different way of grand-parenting. He started off his visit by trying to tell everyone what to do and what not to do in a very bossy tone. He’s very smart and at first tried to deflect responsibility for his behavior by crying, running into another room and saying, “You scared me!” whenever Jer or I used a stern voice or tried to correct his behavior. This worked once. I apologized for my harsh tone and tried to explain why I was correcting him.

The second time he used this you-scared-me ploy, I again apologized but insisted he stop his negative behavior. The third time I ignored his “you scared me” routine completely and repeated my correction to his behavior. He stopped using this ploy.

If Crystal or Jordan didn’t do what Carson wanted them to do, he would say to them, “You can’t be my cousin anymore!” This statement seemed to mystify Crystal and Jordan. They looked puzzled, then shrugged and continued on about their play. Later on Carson hit Crystal for changing his train set-up and, when I sat him on the couch for a short timeout, he said to Crystal, “Look what you did. You got me in trouble!”

“No, Carson,” I said, “You got yourself in trouble when you hit Crystal.”

Through all the pushes and pulls of Carson trying to fit in to the routines and people – grandparents and cousins – I watched the reactions of Crystal and Jordan. Whenever Carson started bossing them around or even hitting them, they got very quiet and did not retaliate. They instead seemed to withdraw emotionally and at times physically from the confrontation. They would sit quietly while I dealt with the situation, but they never tattled on Carson or even complained about his behavior. One or the other would wander off to play with a different toy or play in another room. Whenever Carson appeared in their new area, they would welcome him as if nothing had happened.

I started pondering my reaction vs. their reaction to Carson’s behavior. I did not like his behavior and I was unable to let go of my anger and frustration. Crystal and Jordan did not like his behavior either, but they were willing to let go of it as soon as it stopped and to happily include him in their play when he wasn’t being mean to them. Jordan let Carson be the leader and tell him what to do. Crystal treated him with kindness and acceptance.

I realized that I had forgotten my own adage of ignoring bad behavior and rewarding good. I was starting to scan for anything I could construe as negative. My own rhythms were thrown out of balance by the addition of this third child and I was not as graceful and resilient as my almost six year-old and three year-old grandchildren.

Once again, my mentors turned out to be the people I was supposed to be teaching. I have learned many things from my children when they were in my care and now I am continuing to learn from my grandchildren. Carson was trying to fit into a relatively closed system. Used to being mostly with adults, he now had to relate to his cousins and the grandparents he saw infrequently. He was uncomfortable and his behavior was his way of trying to feel secure and at ease. The other kids were cutting him some slack. Why couldn’t I?

It is natural to assign motives to a child’s behavior. He bullies a smaller child, therefore he is a bully. She hits another child therefore she is cruel. He says things like “You can’t be my cousin anymore,” therefore he is mean. What we must try and avoid is labeling the child rather than labeling the behavior. There are many reasons why a child may bully or hit or threaten verbally. Can we take the time to figure out what need is not being met for this acting-out child? Can we see from her vantage point? Can we walk in his shoes?

All children – all people – are looking for the same things. We ALL want love and security and acceptance. A child may not be able to articulate those needs in clear sentences. Most adults have trouble putting them into words! Instead, a child will act out his feelings and hope that the adults around him get the right message.

What worked for us that day was to move into a neutral territory – the outdoors. We took a walk to see the excavators digging up the earth where some new houses were going to be built. Then we decided to walk further into the nearby village (Fairhaven) to get some Gelato. All of us enjoyed the process of walking along, looking both ways before crossing streets, choosing our flavors, sitting at the little table, then walking home again. Crystal and Carson held hands happily as we walked. We had become a group of five people, not four people and Carson.

The rest of the day was not without its challenges, but I was more able to deal with whatever happened among the cousins without over-reacting. The children settled into shifting combinations of two together and one alone. I wandered in and out of their play spaces, watching, encouraging and sometimes participating.

Crystal and Jordan went home earlier than Carson, and Jer went off to run some errands, so Carson and I had some special one-on-one time in the late afternoon. I was able to focus solely on him and further repair our relationship. We had a lovely time together, completely of his choosing. When his father came to pick him up, he didn’t want to leave.

After the kids all went home, I reflected on the day. I realized I had learned something important about my own rush to judgment. I can get stuck in resentment and anger. I need to learn how to forgive “bad” behavior and let go of it as soon as the behavior stops. I am full of appreciation for my three young teachers and their ability to live, love and let live.

In a Nutshell - 17: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-16T10:28:00.000-07:00

We don’t always need to agree with our children, nor they with us. What is important is that we take the time to look at events and situations from their vantage point. We can learn a lot by this shift in awareness and attention. (Saralee Sky)
Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other. (Ed Howe)
I coined the term BIRTHKEEPER to marry EARTHKEEPERS and BIRTH. EarthKeeper is a Native American word for Eco-activists as well as holders of the sacred Earth-based wisdoms. BIRTHKEEPER...Healing Birth is Healing the Earth. (Jeannine Parvati Baker)
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. (Leo J. Burke)
Discipline is very much needed during pregnancy, not only from the ritual aspect, but to prepare for the great discipline required in caring for a baby. You can choose daily whether to do prenatal yoga or not – but you have to “do” a baby every day. (Jeannine Parvati Baker)
What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies. (Rudolph Giuliani)
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. (Elizabeth Stone)
It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself. (Joyce Maynard)

Children Have Their Own Points of View by Saralee Sky

2010-03-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

It was September, 1962, and I was 13 years old. I was at my friend Patty’s house working on some school project. At 9:30 pm, my father picked me up in the car, even though Patty lived just two blocks away. He didn’t want me walking home alone in the dark. We made the quick drive home, I said goodnight to my father, my Uncle Joe (my father’s brother who lived with us) and my step-mother (Naomi), and went upstairs to bed.

As I lay in my bed in the dark before falling into sleep, I wondered who would not be there when I awoke in the morning. This was not a normal thought for me, but it was common for me to review my day and think and feel my own unique thoughts and feelings. When I woke up at 7 am the next day – Friday – my Uncle Joe told me my father had died of a heart attack while watching the 11:00 news. I had missed the sounds of the ambulance coming and taking my father away; of my neighbors coming in to watch me while my uncle and step-mother drove to the hospital. I slept deeply, protected from the turmoil and trauma of my father’s death. But I knew his death – or someone’s - was coming.

This is a dramatic example of a child having her own unique point of view. Growing up I was often aware that my thoughts and feeling were at odds with the grown-ups around me. More importantly, I was rarely asked how I felt or what I thought about events or situations that affected me directly. How did I feel about getting a new mommy? How did I feel about going to Kindergarten? How did I feel when my step-mother rejected every birthday or Mother’s Day or Chanukah gift I gave her with the words “I do not want your gift; all I want is your respect.”?

I learned as I grew up that my thoughts and feelings were not important to the adults responsible for my care. When I became a mother to my own child, Joseph, he let me know he had his own point of view as soon as he could talk. Joseph was often in opposition to my own point of view. “That’s what you think, that’s not what I think,” was a common refrain.

When I returned to college to get my Masters Degree in Psychology, I learned that children who are natural leaders may be forced into a position of opposition when the leadership positions in the family are already taken by one or both parents. Joseph was trying to assert his own need to be a leader in a family with a strong leader (me) and a co-leader (my husband) already firmly entrenched. I tried to set up situations where Joseph could make decisions for the whole family and feel in charge, for example: choosing a family outing, which movie to see, which restaurant to go to. Of course, this did nothing to ease the tension he felt when “we” decided to move from Cazadero to Sebastopol, from California to West Virginia and then to Washington State. He could voice his opposition, but he still had to go along.

This is something we all would do well to remember from time to time. Children have little to no choice in what happens to them. Their parents choose what house they will live in, what school they will go to, whether they will have more brothers and sisters, whether they will move to another house, city or state, whether they will experience divorce. Children are not in charge; their parents are, and sometimes their parents are just as powerless to choose when life or fate intervenes.

We as parents cannot always do whatever our children want us to do. We cannot let them have ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We cannot let them go out to play in the snow without their coat and boots. We cannot let them run into the street or up to a strange dog. We are responsible for their safety and their well being and for helping them grow into caring and competent adults. But we CAN listen to them, ask them how they feel and what they think. Sometime being heard is all they need.

As a mother I would often catch my kids looking thoughtful, as if they were processing an event as it unfolded before them. I was sometimes afraid to ask them what they were thinking or feeling. I didn’t want to know if they were angry at me or unhappy with a decision I had made. We parents try to do the very best for our children, but sometimes the decisions we make for them are painful, even if they are for the best. Are we brave enough to ask them how they feel, what they think, even if they may feel very differently from us?

It can hurt to hear what they have to say. But the reward for listening patiently and without judgment while your child tells you how he feels is that he will feel more at peace for getting his feelings out in the open and for being heard. And he will be able to come to you with more difficult situations as he enters his teenage years, because you have already established the lines of communication.

When Joseph was sixteen, we were getting ready to go out to eat and meet his dad and my younger son, Gabriel, at the restaurant. Joseph was taking a very long time getting ready and I finally asked him why it was taking him so long to walk out the door. What followed was a twenty minute tirade of everything I had done wrong for the last sixteen years, starting with not circumcising him to moving off the land to moving to West Virginia to moving to Washington to separating from his father. I sat with my mouth shut for once and cried and cried and just listened. What could I say? I HAD done all those things. From MY point of view they were the best decisions I could make. But from HIS point of view he had to live with the consequences of my decisions and he had no choice but to follow me around the country and watch as my marriage dissolved.

He felt much better after he let me have it and I learned a valuable lesson about points of view. Letting him vent on that night fifteen years ago was key in repairing and maintaining our relationship. Joseph and I are still very close. He has written a few of the articles in this Wisewords column.

Recently I took my grandchildren, Crystal, 5, and Jordan, 3, to Camp Kirby for a special treat. Camp Kirby is a 45 acre summer camp owned by Camp Fire USA Samish Council. I used to be the executive director of Samish Council before I left to create Babynut. Camp Kirby is located on Samish Island and has over a mile of beach front jutting out into Puget Sound. It is my favorite place on Earth. The three of us had the camp to ourselves, and we walked all along the beach picking up shells and pretty stones.

At first we were all very happy to be there, but Crystal began to tire of walking on the beach. As we walked back to where we had left our picnic basket, Jordan said “I want to live here, can this be my house?”

“I feel the same way, Jordan,” I said. “I wish this were my house, too.”

“Well, I don’t want to live here,” Crystal said. “This isn’t my house.”

“Why don’t you like it here?” I asked Crystal. ”It makes me sad that you don’t like Camp Kirby.”

Crystal didn’t respond and I realized I was asking a lot of a five-year-old. She had articulated her displeasure and that was all she was able to do at that point. Later on I took them on a walk through the Kirby woods. We found a sign to “Snow White’s Cabin” and followed it to a small log cabin with wood cut-outs of Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Crystal was captivated. She loved the cabin and the wooden statues. I had forgotten all about this little cabin! It was the beach I loved. But Crystal loved the woods and the little cabin with her beloved Disney Princess. It turned out we both loved Camp Kirby, but from different points of view.

We don’t always need to agree with our children, nor they with us. What is important is that we take the time to look at events and situations from their vantage point. We can learn a lot by this shift in awareness and attention.

In a Nutshell - 16: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-16T10:24:00.000-07:00

The fundamental job of a toddler is to rule the universe. (Lawrence Kutner)
Parents are not perfect. There are going to be times when you overreact and times when things don’t work out the way you’d planned. It’s at these times that the lesson is learned by the parent rather than the child. (Lori, mother of five)
Many of the battles you see happening between toddlers and parents could be avoided with a bit of calmness, common sense, and compromise. Remember, the battle you win today could mark the beginning of a long and unhappy war. (Joyce, mother of two)
Sign in a store: Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy.
Behavior Modification sounds worse than it really is. It is basically a way of teaching or re-teaching cause and effect. (Joe Sky-Tucker)
If Nicholas is hitting Jonathan with a toy, I take that toy away. That becomes the punishment. It’s directly related to what was happening. (Catherine, mother of four)
The “terrible two’s” is really a cognitive exercise. It’s a toddler’s way of exploring cause and effect, with her parents as the guinea pigs. (Andrew Meltzoff)
The move from babyhood to toddlerhood is difficult from a social perspective. Babies are welcome almost anywhere. Everyone wants to see and hold them. Toddlers, on the other hand, are sometimes seen as a nuisance. (Joan, mother of five)
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. (Clare, age 6)

Behavior Modification by Joe Sky-Tucker

2010-03-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

Behavior Modification sounds worse than it really is. It is basically a way of teaching or re-teaching cause and effect. Children are very adept at getting their needs met by whatever means they can. If whining and crying gets your attention then that is what they will do. This is a proactive way of dealing with behavior problems. If your child has developed some not-so-great behaviors, it does not mean that you are bad parents. The behavior modification techniques in this article can help you increase the amount of positive time spent with your children and teach them the right way to get their needs met.

Behavior Modification is about building a system that takes the pressure off of you and off of your children and places basic rules around time management and behavior. It will be very difficult in the beginning. The first two to three weeks will be the hardest by a long, long way. But if you can get through those first few weeks until the techniques become second nature to you and your children, the benefits will be well worth your efforts.

Consistency: Before you start both parents need to commit to this. Children are very perceptive and if one parent is not following or supporting the other there will be a split and this will not work.

Structure/Routine: You must first set up the structure and routines of the day. Basic time management - what happens in the morning, afternoon, and evening - should be as standardized as possible.

Limits/Natural Consequences: These are the behavior expectations and consequences for when the behavior expectations are not met. With consistent routine and consequences most of the negative behavior will disappear.

Start with a family meeting and put together a Family Constitution or House Rules, etc. If your children are too young to understand what a Family Constitution is, you as parents can create one for your family. Outline what is and what is not acceptable. No violence towards family or pets. No name calling. No yelling. Clean up our own messes. Spend time together as a family every week. Say please and thank you, etc. Create consequences for misbehaving and create a daily schedule for activities and chores. I am a firm believer in using TV and movies as a reward, however, everyone has a different view on this. For this article I am using it as a reward.

Here is a sample morning schedule: Wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush hair and teeth, get ready to go (week day) or play (weekend). If on a weekday they complete this within the agreed time frame they can watch TV before they go off to school or daycare. If they are staying home they can choose a movie or a few TV shows to watch. On a weekend they can pick a movie or get one-on-one time with mom or dad. If they are not following directions then they begin to lose these privileges. No TV or movies in the morning.

Offering Controlled Choices: One way to avoid power struggles is to provide Controlled Choices – offer two options you can live with and let your child choose which one. "You can play in your room or outside." To that they may say "In the kitchen."

"I know that you want to play in the kitchen, but right now your choices are either to play outside or in your room. If you want I can choose for you, but I might choose something you don't like."

Controlled Choices can be even more exaggerated "You can keep whining and having a tantrum and spend the rest of the morning in your room or you can stop and talk to me and have fun playing outside."

Natural Consequences: Only threaten consequences you can back up. Saying, "If you don't stop crying I am never taking you out to eat again" will not work. It would be better to say: “You can keep crying and we will have to leave the restaurant and go home, or you can stop crying and eat your sandwich, and then I will let you have a cookie for dessert. Your choice.”

If they break a toy in anger, you take the toy away. If they are being unsafe, throwing a toy in anger, they need to show you that they can be safe in an isolated environment. "If you can play nicely in your room for 10 minutes, then you can come out and we can talk about better ways to show you're mad."

Validation: Children do not have the vocabulary or the self knowledge to express their feelings. But we can help them by giving them the words to describe their feelings. "Jordon, it looks like you are very tired and upset. And you know what? It’s OK to be tired and upset. It’s not OK to pinch your sister." This validation of Jordan’s feelings shows that you understand, that what he is feeling is OK and that you love him.

Amends: If they pull the dog’s tail there should be amends made to the dog. “Can you pet the dog nicely and tell her you’re sorry? Tails are for wagging, not for pulling.” If they hit or pinch their sibling, amends must also be made to the child who was injured. “Can you give your sister a hug and tell her you’re sorry? It’s Ok to be angry. It is not OK to hurt your sister.”

Using Time-Outs effectively: A Time-Out is not a punishment. With punishment comes shame and that is not what a Time-Out is for. A Time-Out is to refocus and calm down for both child and parent. It is a way in which you stay ahead of the more serious behaviors that come when children are not stopped early.

For example: Crystal is playing loudly, not unsafe or out of control, just too loud. First use a Soft Limit. A Soft Limit is a reminder of behavior expectations and a way to teach children how to read social cues from adults. "Wow, I like how you are playing, but you are hurting my ears and I am trying to read." She will probably be quiet for about 30 seconds then start being loud again.

Next comes the Hard Limit. A Hard Limit is more direct and a restatement of the behavior expectation. "You are too loud and you need to use your inside voice." This may stop it for a minute or two and then she may get loud again. At this point she earns a Time-Out. She needs to sit quietly for 1 to 2 minutes. She should not be over-congratulated for taking a Time-Out, because that just teaches her that a Time-Out will get her lots of attention.

During a Time-Out, if both parents are present, use cross-talk. Cross-talk is talking to Crystal through each other. "Boy, Daddy, it sure is a shame that Crystal can't play quietly because she could miss out on the fun picnic we have planned." "That is too bad, but if she just sits quietly for 2 minutes she can have fun again."

When the Time-Out is over and you talk with Crystal, the questions should be about her behavior. “What happened? What can you do differently next time?” Then take her through a similar scenario. “What's going to happen when you are loud again?” Everything should be put back onto her and the choices she made. Make sure she knows that your are judging the behavior and not the child, which is something you should say. "I am not mad at you, you are wonderful. But sometimes I don't like what you do. When you do not listen to me that hurts my feelings, because I listen to you." This kind of discussion begins to teach the lessons of self control, empathy, and cause and effect. Again, after a Time-Out is not the time for lots of hugs and attention. You should comfort her and show her you are not mad at her, but overdoing the attention for being in Time-Out will backfire in the end.

The behavioral techniques described in this article can be used with success no matter how old the child. As your child grows older the consequences for poor behavior choices will change to fit the behavior and the age. Time-Outs can be longer, consequences stiffer, but the basic techniques of Controlled Choices, Soft and Hard Limits, Natural Consequences, Validation and Amends will remain constant. Your children will learn that there are consequences – good and bad – for their behavior, and that they can count on you as their parents to define the limits and reward good choices.

Joe Sky-Tucker is Saralee Sky’s 34 year old son. Joe works with emotionally disturbed youth in an in-patient setting. He is currently awaiting his first child in August, 2010. Let's see if he sticks to these principals! :)

In a Nutshell - 15: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

This, too, shall pass. I’ve had kidney stones and I know! (Lee Hayes)
Big names often stand on small legs. (Old Proverb)
In every child who is born, under no matter what circumstances and of no matter what parents, the potentiality of the human race is born again. (James Agee)
A good name keeps its luster in the dark. (Old English Proverb)
No, Groucho is not my real name. I’m breaking it in for a friend. (Groucho Marx)
Everybody has a name anybody has a name and everybody anybody does what he does with his name feels what he feels about his name, likes or dislikes what he has to have with having his name, in short it is his name unless he changes his name unless he does what he likes what he likes with his name. (Gertrude Stein)
Native Americans regard their names not as mere labels, but as parts of their personalities. A native person’s name is as vital to his or her identity as the eyes or teeth. (Wilma Mankiller, 1st Woman Chief, Cherokee Nation)
There is everything in a name. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but would cost half as much during the winter months. (George Ade)
A man lives a generation; a name to the end of all generations. (Japanese Proverb)
Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson. (Mark Twain)
There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb and he almost deserved it. (C. S. Lewis)

This, Too, Shall Pass by Saralee Sky

2010-03-15T10:06:00.000-07:00

When I was a parent I thought my sons’ negative behavior would never end:

Joe would never stop biting. He did.
Gabe would never stop saying ‘NO!” He did.
Joe would never stop wetting the bed. He did.
Gabe would never stop knocking the board over when he was losing at Monopoly. He did, but he still hates to lose!
Joe and Gabe would never stop fighting. They did.

In the words of Lee Hayes of The Weavers singing quartet, “This, too, shall pass. I’ve had kidney stones and I know!” Now I can also say with the conviction born of personal experience: “This, too, shall pass.” I can see with the wise and knowing eyes of someone who’s been there and survived.

I am very involved with two of my grandchildren, taking care of them two to three days a week, but I look upon them with a more detached point of view than I ever could as a parent. Recently I brought the children to their mother’s place of work to visit with her during her lunch break. They immediately started shrieking and running around and basically driving her nuts, especially two year old Jordan. “This is supposed to be my break time,” she said to me. “I’m more exhausted after they leave than before I had my break.” She was also embarrassed because co-workers and customers witnessed their behavior. She took them to my car and strapped them into their seats ten minutes before her half-hour lunch was over.

“This, too, shall pass,” I told her. “This is their way of telling you they are happy to see you and also their way of punishing you for being away from them all day.”

I think both feelings are true for them. Crystal and Jordan miss their mommy very much when she’s at work. They make her drawings and presents while she’s gone. But as soon as she shows up at my door to pick them up, they start misbehaving, and Jordan will go so far as to run out into the street, or hide under the table so he doesn’t have to go home. The result is that their mom ends up angry at both children instead of being glad to see them.

The unmet need for all of them – mother and children alike – is to re-bond after an absence. They all want to feel and demonstrate the love they feel for each other, but they don’t know how to show it or ask for it. It feels like a slap in the face to be mistreated after working so hard all day to provide all the things growing children need. I can see my daughter-in-law fighting the urge to run back to her car, get in and drive away, leaving the kids with me until they become “human”.

Within minutes of driving towards home, however, everyone settles into their natural roles and order is restored. Crystal tells her Mommy all about her day and Jordan takes a much-needed nap. By the time they are home they are a happy family again.

How to make this behavior pattern pass more quickly? There are no easy answers here. Children are very sensitive about when they are getting their parent’s full attention and when they are not. When Crystal and Jordan visit their mother at work, they can tell that she is distracted and not fully focused on them. They will take steps to make sure she pays attention, even if the attention is negative. When she comes to pick them up she is still transitioning from her work persona to her home one. It takes time to ease into her Mommy role and the children will react until she is fully present for them.

Some of the most difficult behavior any parent will have to deal with is the “Terrible Twos”. Every child tries to test the limits again and again in their own way when they reach the age of two or thereabout. The word, “NO” in all its variations will be heard as your toddler tries to differentiate himself from you and learn just where you end and he begins.

My grandson, Jordan, uses the phrase, “Nodon’thaveto!” all run together like one word, even when he means “yes”.

Example:
Me: “Jordan, time to change your diaper.”
Jordan: “Nodon’thaveto!”

Me: “Jordan, would you like to go to the playground?”
Jordan: “Nodon’thaveto! (wait two seconds) OK.”

Me: “Let’s put on your jacket.”
Jordan: “Nodon’thaveto!”

Jordan will also pick up a toy (or anything in sight) and throw it on the floor. If I catch him looking for something to throw, I can stop the behavior before it occurs. But usually the action is so fast and so “out of the blue” I don’t see it coming.

And most difficult to handle, Jordan has temper tantrums where he screeches in a blood-curdling way and thrashes about on the floor. During one of these episodes I had the sudden thought that – if we could tape this sound – we could prepare soldiers for battle. 60 seconds of listening to a two-year-old tantrum and the enemy would be toast. I know I look around for something to kill! Luckily for Jordan, his tantrums are as humorous as they are unpleasant!

I am able to laugh at his antics most of the time because I can see his behavior for what it is and because I don’t have to deal with it 24/7. There are days when I am very happy to see him go, but I start missing him about an hour after he’s gone. My vantage point as a grandparent means I have been through this before and I know it will pass. New growth stages will arise to take the place of old ones.

Some stages will be pleasant, like the one Jordan’s older sister is currently in. Crystal is five and in pre-school two days/week. She loves her school and the new-found independence that comes with staying there by herself. She is a joy to be around most of the time. Some stages will be a lot worse, like the early and middle teenage years. I am NOT looking forward to re-experiencing those stages again!

I am lucky because I can send the children home after a particularly trying day. Parents – and some grandparents – are not able to walk away from a child when they are in a difficult behavioral stage. How can parents survive the terrible twos or terrible tens or terrible thirteens? By finding ways to repair the relationship after “bad” behavior and its resultant correcting behavior occurs. And by taking a short break if needed.

As soon as possible, find a way to hug or compliment or reassure the child that you still love her. Try to find lots of ways to be soft and gentle and loving together each and every day. If the only interactions include negative behavior by the child and correcting behavior by the parent, the parent-child relationship will become strained. The child will also learn that the only way to actually get attention is to misbehave. (See my article, Catch Them Being Good) I look at special cuddling times and loving times and happy interactions as putting money in the emotional bank. Then – when the need for corrective behavior occurs – a withdrawal from the bank can be made. The child knows that most of the time her mother is loving and affectionate. When Mommy has to be stern, the child can still feel connected to the love her mother feels for her, even if that love is not obvious at the moment.

If the tantrums or behavior starts getting to you and you can feel your own anger rising to a dangerous point – take a break. Even if it’s only to step outside and take a few breaths of fresh air, do it! No one can push your buttons like your own precious children. And the last thing you want to do is walk over the edge into rage.

Sometimes I have to tell Jordan, “I’m very angry right now so stay way from me until I can calm down.” He can see by the look in my eye that he’s gone too far. I walk around the house, or step out on the deck and just breathe. Soon I am able to handle the situation with a calmer attitude.

For young parents, knowing “this, too, shall pass” and living through whatever “this” is can feel mutually exclusive. Here’s a good reality check for you. Look at your own past iffy behaviors – those that you remember. Or talk to your parents and ask about some of your own exploits. Did you stop biting or throwing rocks at birds or pulling your sister’s hair? What can seem like forever will blend into a new stage and set of behaviors and then a new set and soon you’ll be wondering why they don’t call. But that’s another story!

In a Nutshell - 14: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

Don’t die with your music still in you. (Wayne Dyer)
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. (Thomas Jefferson)
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. (Rita Rudner)
Children have more need of models than of critics. (Carolyn Coats)
Instead of being tossed about by whatever crisis-du-jouris clamoring for your attention, you can choose to live your life as a spiritual practice and walk the Earth with awareness and intent. (Saralee Sky)
Women hold up half the sky. (Chinese proverb)
A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance. (Caroline Flitcroft)
This is to mother you, to comfort you and get you through. Through when your nights are lonely, through when your dreams are only blue, this is to mother you. (Sinead O’Connor)
I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity. (Eleanor Roosevelt)
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother. But what I prayed for was a puppy. (Joyce)

Mommy - Look What Mommy Did to Me! by Saralee Sky

2010-03-15T09:56:00.000-07:00

Looking back from the vantage point of 30 years since my oldest child was a baby, I can see that time with the clarity of hindsight. Yet even when I was in the midst of mothering him, Joseph taught me a valuable lesson about how important I was to him and about how much my actions affected him.

It was the winter of 1977. Joseph was two and a half. We lived in an 8 foot by 16 foot cabin that Joseph’s dad, Richard, built for us while he built our real house, a 5-sided post and beam structure. We were “back-to-the-land” hippie folk living in Northern California on 2000-acre Navarro Ranch near the town of Cazadero in Sonoma County.

Winter in Cazadero meant rain, more rain than I had ever experienced before. From the middle of October to the beginning of April, Cazadero and its environs received an average of 85 inches of rain. When the county seat of Santa Rosa got one inch of rain in a winter storm, we got six. Curtains of rain poured out of the sky. And the wind! - enough to blow trees down across our dirt road and cause mud to slide, roofs to blow off and windows to blow in.

It had been raining steadily all day. Richard was away at work. Joseph and I were stuck in the 8 foot by 16 foot cabin with a little kerosene heater for warmth and nothing to do it seemed but listen to the rain pounding on the roof and get on each other’s nerves. As the day wore on, Joseph got increasingly more agitated, running around the small space of the cabin, getting dangerously close to the heater, until finally I snapped and I spanked him. Me, the Hippie Earth Mother, the woman who swore that I would never do him physical harm. I spanked my beloved child.

Everything stopped. Joseph looked at me in shock and started to cry. “Mommy!” he wailed. “Look what Mommy did to me!” And he ran to me for comfort. He came to the one person in the world he knew would be there to love and protect him from the very same person who had just injured him. “MOMMY – LOOK WHAT MOMMY DID TO ME!”

Those words reverberated in my brain then and they still do to this day. Joseph was my greatest teacher, my harshest critic, my clearest mirror. As I hugged my child and cried along with him I promised him that I would never spank him again, and I kept my promise.

We can never underestimate the importance our actions and words have on our babies and toddlers. We are their whole world. They learn by watching and interacting with us how to be human, how to love, how to communicate, how to walk and dress and eat and use the toilet. How to BE. What kinds of messages are we giving our children?

What kind of world are you creating for your baby or toddler? If you meet their needs with love and patience, you will teach them that the world is a place where their needs can be met and they can be successful. If you encourage them to grow and try new things, but are there for them when they run to you for comfort after a fall, you will teach them that you will be their safe harbor when the world at large is too scary. You cannot control all the experiences of their young lives, but you can show your baby and your toddler that your love for them is a constant in a world of change.

Soon enough they will be introduced to preschool and then elementary school and youth groups and sports and dance and gymnastics. Their peers will replace you in importance as they grow up and away from you. This is the way of life. You have only a short time to be their main influence, but that time is so very important. You may resent your lack of freedom and privacy and sleep. But I can tell you from my own experience that this time of parenting babies and toddlers – which indeed can seem endless – is really fleeting.

In the midst of all they need and all you have to do to take care of them and manage the rest of your life, it is easy to overlook how important this time is and simply do your best to get through it. You may be just trying to survive and get them to the point where they don’t need you so much. This is my message to you: instead of trying to get THROUGH this time, allow yourself to sink INTO this time. Revel in it. Enjoy being your baby’s and your toddler’s whole world. Swim in the ecstasy of being this close to another being and watching them grow and thrive.

Instead of being tossed about by whatever crisis-du-jour is clamoring for your attention, you can choose to live your life as a spiritual practice and walk the Earth with awareness and intent. You will feel much more PRESENT and able to respond to your baby, your work, your partner, your life. The time will still fly by, but you will be living and experiencing consciously each fleeting moment rather than trying to avoid some moments and hold on to others.

When you blink your eyes your children will be grown up and out of your house. How will they remember you, think of you? Will you be remembered as a good influence? A positive role model? A loving parent?

Twenty-seven and a half years after the spanking incident, Joseph remembers what I did for him rather than what I did to him. This year for Mother’s Day, he sent me this email: “Happy Mother’s Day. You are the greatest mother in the world. Really and truly. You gave me the ability to think for myself and also limits within which to understand the world. I am so grateful that I had the up-bringing that I did. Full of wonder and travel and freedom. I love you. Happy Mother’s Day. Love, Joe.”

In a Nutshell - 13: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-15T09:54:00.000-07:00

I went to my grandson and held him. I looked into his piercing blue eyes. He returned my look with total trust. (Charlotte S. Goodhue)
The old are the precious gem in the center of the household. (Chinese Proverb)
A woman at peace has stopped looking for someone to blame. (Barbara Jenkins)
Motherhood and homemaking are honorable choices for any woman, provided it is the woman herself who makes those decisions. (Molly Yard)
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandma,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four.” (Email)
Find some quiet time before the holidays to ask your child what traditions he or she has enjoyed over the years. They may be the ones you want to make sure to preserve. (Fred Rogers)
Involve your child in the pre-holiday activities by working together to make name cards for the family meal, making cookies, creating holiday cards, or setting up the candles. Participating gives children an important sense of belonging. (Fred Rogers)
Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. (Bobby - age 7)

A Caring Adult by Saralee Sky

2010-03-15T09:52:00.000-07:00

All children need people outside the circle of their immediate family to care for them and teach them needed life skills. Someone outside the immediate family offers: an outside perspective, a break from family patterns or rivalries, special skills parents may not have, a kind of caring that is offered freely, not just because she is “Daddy’s little girl.” This kind of nurturing does not take the place of parental love. Rather it fills in the cracks and helps to round out a child’s development and character. Children need role models, mentors and support in addition to Mom or Dad.

Since my daughter-in-law became pregnant with my granddaughter, Crystal , six years ago, I have been involved with Crystal ’s life. I went through the pregnancy with Jackie and my son, Gabe, going to all the doctor’s appointments at their request. They were very young and inexperienced, and looked to me for support as they made the transition to parenthood.

Gabe and I were present during the labor and delivery. Jackie gave birth with grace and strength and Gabe and I provided the support and caring she needed. I was very proud of them both. Since Crystal ’s birth, they have grown into loving parents and surpassed my expectations time and again. Whenever they had a problem or question, they would turn to me for help, but they would always make their own decision and I have respected their right to do so.

Jackie returned to work when Crystal was six months old, working part-time for me at the Camp Fire office. She brought little Crystal with her and the rest of the staff would take “baby breaks” and help to care for Crystal while Jackie worked as our Camp Registrar . That job ended when Crystal was almost a year old, and Jackie soon found full-time work. I became the babysitter for Crystal whenever Gabe and Jackie were at work, caring for her both at my home and at my office. I have a great picture of her sitting at my desk at age two. I was lucky enough to be “the boss” and able to make the decision to allow children in the work place.

When Jackie gave birth to Jordan in April of 2003, I decided to leave my job at Camp Fire to work from home and help take care of Crystal and Jordan. Jackie returned to work when Jordan was three months old. She and Gabe both work full-time. They vary their schedules so that they only need childcare two to three days/week. I provide most of that care, with other grandparents chipping in from time to time.

My connection to Crystal and Jordan is very close. I take them special places like the Children’s Museum, different playgrounds and parks, the library. We bake cookies, do art projects, rake leaves, read books, play computer games. I provide the kind of attention and opportunities that a busy parent often does not have the time to provide. On the days I do not see them, I am likely to receive a call from Crystal . What a joy it is to hear, “Hi Nana!” when I answer the phone. Just what does this connection and caring mean to Crystal’s and Jordan’s development?

The Search Institute of Minneapolis , Minnesota , is a nonprofit organization whose mission is to provide leadership, knowledge, and resources to promote healthy children, youth, and communities. At the heart of the institute's work is the framework of 40 Developmental Assets, which are positive experiences and personal qualities that young people need to grow up healthy, caring, and responsible.

The Search Institute's 40 Developmental Assets are concrete, common sense, positive experiences and qualities essential to raising successful young people. These assets have the power during critical adolescent years to influence choices young people make and help them become caring, responsible adults.

The Developmental Asset framework is categorized into two groups of twenty assets. External assets are the positive experiences young people receive from the world around them. These twenty assets are about supporting and empowering young people, about setting boundaries and expectations, and about positive and constructive use of young people's time. External assets identify important roles that families, schools, congregations, neighborhoods, and youth organizations can play in promoting healthy development.

The twenty internal assets identify those characteristics and behaviors that reflect positive internal growth and development of young people. These assets are about positive values and identities, social competencies, and commitment to learning. The internal Developmental Assets will help these young people make thoughtful and positive choices and, in turn, be better prepared for situations in life that challenge their inner strength and confidence.

One of the external Developmental Assets the Search Institute identifies is Other Adult Relationships. This is defined as, “children experience interactions and relationships with non-familial adults, including caregivers, relatives, older people, and community figures. These interactions are characterized by investment, enrichment, consistency, and caring.” I am such an adult in the lives of Crystal and Jordan. The Search Institute has codified what I have always known: children need people outside of their immediate family to be role models, supporters and mentors.

When I was a child I had my Hebrew School teacher, Mr. Palgon, as a role model. I loved the way he lived his deep faith and the way he was devoted to his own children and his wife. I loved being around his family and was sometimes invited to Sabbath dinner on Friday night. I also had my Uncle Sol and his wife, my Aunt Goldie. Uncle Sol was a Talmudic scholar and would often teach me about Jewish law and philosophy while sitting around his kitchen table. Aunt Goldie was a mother-figure for me, taking over that role when my own mother died when I was three.

Always in my life there have been people who materialized at just the right time to show me a way of being in the world, teach me a set of skills, or offer love and support. I am grateful for all of my teachers and mentors. I know that I am the person I have become – and am still becoming – in large part due to their influence and example.

All of my professional life I have worked for and with children. Babynut is my way of offering mentorship and support to young mothers and babies. I wish you all much joy and success as you negotiate the roles of parent and child. It is all about the journey and finding key people to help along the way.

In a Nutshell - 12: - Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-11T13:57:00.000-08:00

Mother-love is not inevitable. The good mother is a great artist ever creating beauty out of chaos. (Alice Randall)
Remember…you ARE eating for two, but it’s one adult and one baby. (Jennifer)
When the first baby laughed for the first time, his laugh broke into a million pieces and they went skipping about. That was the beginning of fairies. (J. M. Barry)
Our life is basically…an infinite number of unfinished situations – incomplete gestalts. No sooner have we finished one situation than another comes up. (Frederick Perls)
We can rely on the wisdom of the organism. (Frederick Perls)
My mother is a woman who speaks with her life as well as her tongue. (Kesaya Noda)
Children are apt to live up to what you believe of them. (Lady Bird Johnson)
The Golden Rule works for men as written, but for women it should go the other way around. We need to do unto ourselves as we do unto others. (Gloria Steinem)
Having grandchildren is the best of all possible worlds. I don’t have any responsibility for them – I just do all the fun stuff. (Mary Beth)
Life is what we make it; always has been, always will be. (Grandma Moses)

Life is a Series of Gestalts by Saralee Sky

2010-03-11T13:56:00.000-08:00

“Our life is basically…an infinite number of unfinished situations – incomplete gestalts. No sooner have we finished one situation than another comes up.” (Frederick Perls) Agestalt is an ultimate experiential unit, a whole. The physical world maintains itself in terms of gestalts, for example, water consists of the gestalt of two hydrogen units combined with one oxygen unit. Split the hydrogen away from the oxygen and you no longer have water.

The human organism is also composed of gestalts: physical, mental and emotional. Our physical body is composed of manygestalts: a circulatory system, a digestive tract, a muscular system, etc. The mind thinks in terms of gestalts. We puzzle over a problem until we have solved it. The alphabet is a meaningless list of letters until the letters are combined in patterns to form words and sentences. Emotionally we need to complete an experience – a gestalt - in order to move through it and continue on with our life. We anticipate our birthday and get increasingly excited as the day approaches. Then the big day arrives. We have a party, play games, open presents, eat cake. Whether the day will live up to our expectations determines whether we will feel happy or sad when the day – and thegestalt - is over.

We can rely on the wisdom of our organism to present the most pressing unfinished gestalt to our consciousness. Let’s look at a little baby for an example. The baby is hungry and so she cries. The mother interprets her cries correctly and offers her breast. The tears stop as the baby quenches her hunger. She is happy and content for a time. A short while later the baby cries again. Mom knows she has just nursed so she looks for some other reason for the tears and discovers a very wet diaper. Mom changes the diaper and the cries stop. The baby is left alone to play in her crib and is happy for a time until she becomes lonely or tired. She cries again and Mom picks her up and rocks her to sleep in the rocking chair. The physical warmth and nearness of her mother is soothing and satisfies the baby’s need for nurturing. Contented, the baby falls asleep. These examples show the ebb and flow of unfinished, then finished gestalts.

Once an unfinished gestalt has achieved completion, it will recede to the background and another unfinished gestalt will soon arrive to take its place in the rhythm of life. The need for completion is so very basic to our ability to grow and thrive as a human organism that it cannot be over emphasized. If a gestaltis unable to be completed, it will present itself again and again until it is completed.

Here is a physical example: A little boy is playing happily in the sand box when he gets the urge to pee. This need to urinate competes with the need to continue to play in the sandbox. At first both gestalts compete for the little boy’s attention, but gradually the need to pee becomes uppermost in the little boy’s mind. He must complete this gestalt, either by running to the bathroom or by peeing in his pants. He chooses to run to the bathroom. Now that gestalt is complete. It recedes into the background and the desire to play again becomes uppermost in the little boy’s mind, until he gets hungry and wanders inside looking for something to eat, and so it goes.

Here is a mental example: A woman sits in the living room doing a crossword puzzle. She moves along quickly putting in the answers she knows for sure and leaving blank the ones she is unsure about or doesn’t know. She returns again and again to the ones she is unsure of, getting most of them. Still, a quarter of the puzzle remains undone. She chooses to set it aside until the next day, when her mind is sharper. The desire to return to the puzzle surfaces from time to time throughout the day until she has the time to sit and work on it. When she sits down for the second time she is able to complete the puzzle and also the gestalt. The puzzle recedes into the background leaving room for a new activity.

Here is an emotional example: A little girl must go to day care so that Mom can work. She misses her mom a lot throughout the day and is cranky by the time Mom picks her up in the evening. Mom has to run errands on the way home which makes the little girl even crankier. She has a “melt down” in the grocery store and cries and cries because Mom won’t let her eat a candy bar before dinner as they shop. Mom realizes that the little girl is simply at the end of her emotional rope. She stops the cart in the middle of the aisle and says “You look like you could use a hug. Come here, sweetheart.” Mom picks up the little girl and just holds her as people move around them in the aisle. The little girl feels loved and valued and soon calms down. They finish their shopping and go home.

As infants, we need to receive love, nurturance and support from our parents. When we do, we see the world as safe and inviting. As children we look to our parents to have our needs respected and addressed. When they are we see the world as a place where needs will be met and experiences – no matter how painful – can be learned from and put to rest. As parents, the more we are able to help our children complete all thegestalts that come up in their lives: physical, mental or emotional; happy, sad, or momentous; the healthier and more present-centered our children will be as they grow into adults.Gestalts that are completed as they happen will recede into the background of our lives and be forgotten. A completed gestaltmay also become a memory, but one that no longer holds a lot of emotional charge.

So, what happens when a gestalt is not able to be completed? What happens to an unfinished gestalt? It will continue to resurface in a person’s life until it is completed. It will pull the person’s attention and awareness away from the present and into the past; or it will use up energy in the form of avoidance as the person tries not to deal with or be aware of the unfinished situation.

Let’s examine some possible unfinished gestalts from a person’s childhood. A little baby cries and is eventually picked up and fed and changed. Then the baby is put back in his crib. Soon he cries again – he is tired and lonely. No one picks him up. He’s allowed to cry himself to sleep again and again until eventually he stops crying and learns to go to sleep on his own. As he grows up he is rarely hugged or nurtured. Physical needs will be met, but not emotional needs. He grows up cold and unable to express his emotions but has no idea why.

A little girl spends her days in day care and her evenings running errands with her mother. Whenever she cries and makes a fuss she is yelled at by her mother in front of strangers and even punished – no treat, no dessert, certainly no hugs. She grows up feeling unloved and unlovable and goes from partner to partner, never getting her needs met for love and nurturance. Her partners say nothing they do is enough.

Again and again in the lives of these two people the unfinishedgestalts will resurface and demand completion. Once the man realizes how he was never encouraged to express himself emotionally as a child, he can express his rage or grief for that little child. He will gradually be able to get in touch with his emotions as an adult, and all the energy spent in not feeling anything will be freed up to be used in the present in whatever way the man chooses. Once the woman realizes that she feels unlovable and needy as an adult because her emotional needs were never met as a child, she will be able to express her sorrow for the little girl that she was and gradually become the woman she wants to be, loving and lovable.

The key in both of these examples is putting attention together with awareness. Frederick Perls says: “Awareness – by and of itself – can be curative.” Once a person becomes aware of an incomplete gestalt in his life, he will be unable to ignore it until he takes steps to complete it. We all expend a lot of energy trying not to face up to our incomplete gestalts from our childhood. But once we begin to pay attention to what our inner Self is trying to tell us, we can heal old wounds and live much healthier and happier lives.

Situations will continue to emerge that remind us of incompletegestalts from our past. Once we choose to put our attention and our awareness on these situations, we will be able to get to the root of the problem and express the unmet need or emotion that has been lurking all these years. Sometimes therapy is needed to help work through the resultant feelings welling up from the re-opened wound. But in the end, the result will be a freeing up of energy, a new zest for life and a more present-centered awareness. “We can rely on the wisdom of the organism.” (Perls)

In a Nutshell - 11: Pearls of Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-11T13:53:00.000-08:00

There is only one man in the world and his name is All Men. There is only one woman in the world and her name is All Women. There is only one child in the world and the child’s name is All Children. (Carl Sandburg)

When a child is born, so are grandmothers. (Judith Levy)

The word ‘no’ carries a lot more meaning when spoken by a parent who also knows how to say ‘yes’. (Alice Walker)

It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it. (Dorothy on The Golden Girls)

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice. (Indian mother’s lullaby)

A chimney smokes; a dog barks; a grandparent baby sits. (Edwina Shemdi)

The first cry of a newborn baby in Chicago or Zamboango, in Amsterdam or Rangoon, has the same pitch and key, each saying, “I am! I have come through! I belong! I am a member of the Family.” (Carl Sandburg)

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family, whoever you are, you need one. (Jane Howard)

Looking Back on My Childhood - A Tale of Three Mothers by Saralee Sky

2010-03-11T13:51:00.000-08:00

I have always been driven to reflect on all that has happened before to bring me to this place, this moment in time, in understanding and awareness. I now support new mothers and babies through my product offerings and articles, and I want to share with you some of the events in my life that led me to this chosen field.

My mother was sick before she gave birth to me in March of 1949. I was actually a doctor’s order. “You have too much time on your hands, Trudy,” said Dr. Bloom. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Go home and have another baby.” So she did – me. Many years later in therapy I would imagine her cells dying all around me while I sucked out what was left of her life force through the umbilical cord in her womb.

My mother’s disease, scleroderma, was diagnosed after I was born. Her condition worsened when I was a baby and toddler and so I spent a lot of time at my Aunt Goldie’s house. Aunt Goldie was my mother’s older sister by twelve years. She loved Trudy as a daughter and I occupied a special place in her heart as Trudy’s little baby.

In September, 1952, I was having lunch in my high chair in Aunt Goldie’s kitchen. I was three and a half years old. The phone rang and Aunt Goldie went to the alcove in the stairwell to answer it. She listened, then threw back her head and wailed, a sound so primal and so full of pain it echoed in the collective unconscious of all humankind. I sat there in my high chair too frightened to cry and completely ignored. But I knew as I sat there alone, staring into my reflection in the silver tray: a connection was severed. My mother was dead.

Later that afternoon, I sat on the back porch playing with my marble collection. My favorite brown, cat’s eye marble rolled off the porch and into the dirt below. I looked and looked for that marble for what seemed like forever, but it had vanished. I cried and cried, my grief inconsolable, the loss of my marble a tangible way to grieve for the mother who gave me life.

Before my mother’s death and after, I spent most week days at home with a house keeper, who left me alone to occupy myself for the most part. I was alone, but not lonely. I had this inner presence, this calm inner Self that kept me company. I was content with my own company and I had a rich fantasy life complete with many “imaginary” friends.

After my mother died, Aunt Goldie took the place of a mother for me. She made a promise to Trudy before she died to look after me, and she took that promise to heart. I spent every Saturday at her house until my father picked me up after work. She would often spirit me away to the bathroom with her, closing the door and telling me about my poor, dead mother as she sat on the toilet. As soon as I cried, she would let me go, my tears her proof that I still remembered and grieved for my mother like she did. I was affected by the sorrow in Aunt Goldie’s voice, the tears in her eyes and the weirdness of being closeted in the bathroom with her. But the truth was that I remembered Trudy only through Aunt Goldie’s bathroom soliloquies.

Each week night, Uncle Sol would drive my Aunt Goldie to our house to bathe me and put me to bed. Uncle Sol would sit and talk in the living room with my father while Aunt Goldie and I went upstairs. This ritual was a very important part of Goldie’s and my day. Aunt Goldie gave me my bath and put me in my crib. Then she would talk to me, telling me stories about her day, about her family, talking and talking in a chair by my crib. I listened to her voice, the words unimportant, the sound a soothing invitation to sleep.

Fifteen months after Trudy died, toward the end of 1953 when I was four and three quarters, my father started dating Naomi. I have vague memories of Naomi being at our house from time to time. She began teaching me school-type things: she taught me to tell time, she taught me to count by two’s, five’s and ten’s, she taught me to read. She seemed pleased that I was such a quick study. Still, it was Aunt Goldie who bathed me and put me to bed each night.

On March 19, 1955, two and a half years after Trudy died and a week before my sixth birthday, my father married Naomi. The ceremony and reception took place at the synagogue. I wore a beautiful flowered dress. Pictures of that evening show a little girl with curly hair, a tentative smile and eyes full of uncertainty. Daddy and Naomi went to Florida for their two week honeymoon. Upon their return, the changes to my life began in earnest.

Naomi had more modern taste in furniture and home décor than did my mother, Trudy. Over the next few months the interior of the house was completely redone. Gone were the gauzy white curtains, the old-fashioned, overstuffed furniture, the maroon patterned carpet. In their place were floral drapes, sculpted, fifties-style couches and chairs, beige carpets and walls. Everywhere I looked was the color beige – bland, benign, boring.

All the pictures of my mother, Trudy, were taken down from the shelves and hidden away. I wouldn’t rediscover them for many years. I was not even permitted to have a picture of my mother in my bedroom. That was the past – the Trudy era - and this was now – the Naomi era. Still my Aunt Goldie came to put me to sleep each night. I clung to this ritual like a starving child to a crust of bread.

Daddy was willing and eager to let Naomi be the woman of the house. He handed me over to Naomi with a sense of relief and a symbolic washing of the hands. He never liked the role of father to a motherless child and now he could relinquish it by providing the child with a new mother. He was like the fathers in fairy tales - Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Hansel and Gretel - absent and unwilling to rescue his child from the new step mother.

Naomi was seemingly up to the challenge. A spinster in her mid-30’s before my father married her and took her from her parent’s home to ours, she had ideas and theories about how to raise children and I was her guinea pig. Only one major obstacle stood in her path: Aunt Goldie. Goldie was a constant reminder to Naomi that I was not her natural child. I don’t remember when the nightly bathing and bedtime stories stopped. I only know that they did stop soon after the redecoration of the house was complete.

Some of Naomi’s changes were probably for the better. After all, I was six years old and still sleeping in a crib. Naomi got me a big girl’s bed. She told me a few bedtime stories, then turned out the light left the room. No more voice of Aunt Goldie talking me to sleep each night. She also took on my thumb-sucking habit with great zeal. Soon that was gone as well. My imaginary friends left one by one.

Visits to Aunt Goldie’s house were reduced to Jewish holidays. She was no longer welcome in our house. I missed Aunt Goldie terribly, but was told I had a new mother now. Aunt Goldie must have been miserable, too. We were simply cut out of each other’s every day lives.

I started out calling Naomi by her first name, but was strongly encouraged to call her Mommy, which I soon did. I wanted a Mommy after all, even if I didn’t particularly want this mommy. The simple fact was that I really didn’t like Naomi and she didn’t like me. Naomi was unemotional and sarcastic, with anger and resentment seething just below the surface. Her eyes were cold and dead. They reflected no light. I was expected to kiss her good night each evening, and I could never hide my revulsion as I got close to her pocked, makeup-covered skin and her dead, brown eyes. My father never seemed to notice. But she did. She would turn her face away from me at the last moment so that I could kiss her on the cheek, not her mouth. She was as uncomfortable with this nightly ritual as I was, but insisted on it all the same.

One day, on the way home from First Grade on the bus, Bonnie L. yelled out, “You have a STEP mother. Saralee has an evil STEP mother!”

“I do not!” I yelled back at her, hot, angry tears flowing down my cheeks. I ran from the bus stop to our door, crying all the way.

“What’s the matter?” asked Naomi as she opened the door. “What happened?”

“Bonnie says I have a step mother!” I said between sobs. “I do NOT have a step mother do I? You’re not a step mother are you? Step mothers are EVIL!”

“Bonnie was wrong,” answered Naomi. “I am your NEW mother, not an evil step mother.” She let me cry myself out, my head in her lap. I was grateful to her for taking me seriously, for reframing the situation to be more palatable to a six year old girl. I learned that day that when I was miserable – really miserable – Naomi would be there to comfort me. But when I was happy and independent and enjoying myself, she became disapproving and cold at her best, and downright nasty at her worst.

I was so upset with Bonnie because I knew in my heart she was right. I DID have a step mother and she could sometimes be evil. I had a big problem and that problem was trying to deal with a woman who could only handle misery. My natural, sunny disposition was a threat to her belief that “Life was one kick in the teeth after another.” She made it her main goal to teach me that life lesson, and I made it my goal to prove her wrong.

As I continued to grow up under her cold, disapproving eye, I tried my best to please her and always seemed to come up short. The calm inner Self that always kept me company disappeared from my awareness in my efforts to be the child Naomi wanted me to be. I held on to my belief that life was more than one kick in the teeth after another, but we were never able to openly talk about the tension between us or the dislike we each felt for the other.

The Jewish holidays I spent at Aunt Goldie’s house with my cousins and uncles and aunts remain strong and happy memories, especially Passover. I was the youngest for many years, so it fell to me to recite the Four Questions, and to find the Afikomen (the hidden matzah). We sang in three languages, Yiddish, Hebrew and English. I was coddled and loved and I soaked in that love to last until the next holiday, when I could be with Aunt Goldie and my “real” mother’s side of the family again.

My father died of a heart attack when I was 13. He died while watching the 11 o’clock news. I slept through the attack and the ambulance arriving and departing with my father inside. I awoke the next morning to be told I would not be going to school that day. Instead I would be attending my own father’s funeral. That was on a Friday. On the following Monday, Naomi insisted I return to school rather than sit shivah (seven day mourning ritual) with the rest of our family. When I protested vehemently Naomi said, “Life goes on.” and pushed me out the door. I was not permitted to grieve.

My father’s death left me alone with Naomi. She became even more angry and bitter. Life had dealt her a stunning blow, taking away her husband after only seven years of marriage, and leaving her with a teenager to raise. No amount of achievements or awards won on my part did anything to soothe her bitterness and resentment.

My connection to Aunt Goldie remained strong, in spite of the physical distance Naomi placed between us. I didn’t get to see Aunt Goldie very often, but when I did, our love for each other was evident. Naomi never understood that there was room in my heart for everyone, for all three of the mothers who were placed in my life.

When I became old enough to drive I would visit Aunt Goldie more often, especially for Friday night shabbos dinners. When I went away to college and came home a hippie with long curly hair, no bra and lots of tie dye, Naomi was disgusted. But Aunt Goldie welcomed me with open if disapproving arms.

After college I moved to California to be with the rest of the “kooks’ as my family called the “make love not war” generation. I had my first child, Joseph, at home with midwives in 1975. I was unmarried though living with the baby’s father. I chose not to circumcise him, which goes against Jewish law.

My step mother, Naomi, was ashamed of me. When I wanted to come home for a visit and bring baby Joseph, she let me know I was not welcome in her home (my old home). My Aunt Goldie again welcomed me, though she and Uncle Sol also disapproved of my decision not to circumcise Joseph. “If he isn’t circumcised, he isn’t a Jew!” Uncle Sol said.

I moved far away from the family that raised me so that I could seek out and discover my own ideas and beliefs. I needed to reflect upon all that had happened to me as a child, to finish unresolved situations from my past. The distance was necessary to be able to rediscover my Self, the calm inner presence that made me feel at peace as a child.

Now so many years later – Joseph turns 30 this year – I look back on the three women who were mothers to me, and to my own choices as a mother, and I realize that we all do the very best we can with the situations and experiences that are given to us in this life. Mothers were once babies themselves, and their life experiences shape the way they parent their own children. I tried my best to raise my children with the awareness that they have their own thoughts and dreams, their own inner Self and room in their hearts for everyone who loves them.

I have great compassion for all little babies born into this world, looking for love, nurturance and guidance. This article and this web site are my offerings to them and to the mothers who raise them.

In a Nutshell - 10: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-11T13:49:00.000-08:00

What is sacred is sacred, and what is is, and all things on this planet are sacred. (Grandmother)
If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate. (Nikka, age 6)
Listen to your heart, not your head. HOLD and CUDDLE you new baby as much as you can. Food ‘spoils’, babies ‘thrive’. (Barb)
A mother’s role is to teach her children right from wrong and to keep them from harm. A wise woman feels content because she has prepared her children to experience life on their own, and she knows that experience is the best teacher. (Charlotte Du Brier)
We’re all in this alone. (Lily Tomlin)
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. (Kahlil Gibran)
We can trust our babies to teach us how to be the best mother to them. All we need to do is pay attention, starting from the moment we choose to become mothers during the early phase of pregnancy and continuing on through the rest of the pregnancy, the birth and the early years of parenting. From the moment we welcome the pregnancy into our lives we are already on our way. (Saralee Sky)
Here I come to run and play! (Crystal Sky, age 4)

You Are Already a Mother - Life Within the Womb by Saralee Sky

2010-03-11T13:48:00.000-08:00

The beginning of life in the womb is in itself a miraculous journey. As many as 500 million sperm begin their journey together as they travel through the vagina, the uterus and eventually the fallopian tube. Sperm have a sense of smell (!) and they smell their way to the egg. Once one (out of 500 million) sperm penetrates the egg’s wall, it is drawn to the nucleus of the egg. Egg and sperm merge and become one. Conception has occurred.

I didn’t plan my first pregnancy. After years of wondering what it would feel like to be pregnant, the reality was very close to my fantasies – surges of nausea, sore breasts and the ever-present feelings of anticipation and awe. Mostly I was overwhelmed by the presence of another life inside my body. I was sharing my body with my baby. 30 years later it remains the single most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.

The moment I made the choice and committed myself to that pregnancy, I was a mother. The acknowledgment that a life had begun in my womb - and my desire to hold and nurture that life - was the beginning of motherhood for me. The bond between me and that brand new life took on a strength and purpose which colored every other aspect of my life. As day followed day, I was more and more certain of the presence of another consciousness, separate from me but ever-present.

* * *

One day after fertilization the egg divides for the first time. One week after fertilization the egg arrives in the uterus. During the third week the embryo begins to take shape. During the fourth week, the first organ to begin to develop is the heart. I am overwhelmed by this thought and image: at four weeks we all have a beating heart, which will continue to beat throughout our lives. Taken out of the realm of the physical for a moment, this image resonates with my belief that we are beings of love, created in love, nurtured in love, and ultimately merging back into the source of unending love.

My first pregnancy occurred at a time when my life was in transition in all kinds of ways. I was moving away from a relationship, away from the city, away from the traditional American ideals of career and success. I was moving toward a more simplified existence with an ideal of voluntary poverty as part of the back to the land movement. I was a hippie living in a converted chicken shack.

As the pregnancy progressed I trusted in the Universe and my own dharma (destiny or path) to lead me where I needed to go, to teach me what I needed to learn. People who could help me with the pregnancy and birth began to materialize in my life. I was given the book, “Prenatal Yoga” by Jeannine Parvati Baker, and I began to practice prenatal yoga daily. I found a nurse who was studying to become a midwife. My delivery would be her first. I decided to have my baby at home- wherever that would be. Hopefully, not the chicken shack!

* * *

During the second trimester – months four, five and six - the sexual organs are formed. The baby becomes sensitive to touch. By 16 weeks, the baby makes intricate movements and has an awareness of the space around him. By 18 weeks, the mother becomes aware of the baby’s movements, though the baby has been active for quite some time. Some babies open their eyes as early as 18 weeks. By five months – halfway to the birth – the baby is seven inches long and has her own fingerprints – her own unique identity. At the end of the second trimester, every part of the baby has been formed. At 24 weeks, the baby may survive outside the womb, but the lungs are too small to take in enough oxygen. The baby takes in all nutrients including oxygen from the umbilical cord.

The second trimester was simply fantastic for me. All the doubts and fears about being pregnant during this unstable time in my life receded into the background. What was front and center was a feeling of inner strength and the belief that I could do anything I needed to do in order to be the best mother to this child I could possibly be. I started taking charge of my life in a more conscious way. I met a spiritual teacher (guru) who gave me a mantra to repeat as I rubbed my growing belly. I was on my way.

I started making decisions with a strength and a certainty I had never felt before. I severed my relationship with the baby’s father so as to be able to concentrate on getting ready to be a parent. The relationship had essentially ended before we knew a pregnancy had begun. We needed to go our separate ways, and I didn’t want him hanging around out of obligation. While I had initially been afraid of being alone and pregnant, I was now reveling in my new-found strength and comfortable with being on my own. I trusted in the universe to bring me the people I needed to help with the pregnancy, birth and parenting of this baby.

* * *

By the seventh month the sense organs are mature. Strong smells can come into the womb through the amniotic fluid. The baby’s eyes open and close. What does he see when his eyes are open? Sounds are now heard from outside the womb. The mother’s voice is carried through the amniotic fluid as well as from outside the womb. In addition to hearing and smelling and ‘seeing’, the baby is also aware of and affected by the mother’s mental and emotional state. The mother’s heart rate and blood pressure change as a result of her mental and emotional states and this change in heart rate and blood pressure is filtered through the placenta. The baby is thinking and feeling right along with his mother in a very elemental way. Practicing a form of daily meditation and/or contemplation can help keep both mother and baby calmer and able to withstand the unavoidable stresses and strains of daily life.

I knew in some deep, primal way that my mental and emotional state affected my baby. And as he grew, his consciousness also affected me. I was able to stay calmer and more centered as a result of his influence and presence in my life. We were a team and we went everywhere together. I was growing bigger, but I was young and strong and active. I never felt more comfortable in my own body than I did in this third trimester, as least until the last few weeks.

I have pictures of myself (and Joseph) at this stage. I am tanned all over and very pregnant, breasts and belly swollen and huge. I look like some native-hippie-earth-woman – young and strong and brimming with life. I was living solidly within my physical body and also aware of the way my consciousness emanated out from the physical into other etheric realms.

* * *

During the third trimester, the baby prepares for life outside the womb. She will triple in weight and double in length. She will spend 90% of her time sleeping and 10% of the time awake and alert. She has a startle reflex to a sudden noise. She learns to swallow and shows a clear preference for the right or left thumb – a preference which will stay with her for the rest of her life. At eight months – 33 weeks – the baby responds to her mother’s voice and patterns of speech. The baby’s cries will have similar patterns. Babies at this stage also have REM sleep, an indication that she is dreaming in the womb. Already she has her own dreams, her own preferences, her own dharma or path. The birth of the baby is not the beginning of her journey. She has already traveled through an amazing path of development while in the womb.

The process of birth and the early weeks of parenting were a crash course in getting to know this baby of mine, this being who felt old in soul as well as new in body. The strength of his will and his desire to survive, grow and develop were awesome to behold. I had to learn to get out of the way – to be there to love and nurture him, but also to trust that he knew what was best for him at any given moment. He knew when he was hungry, tired, uncomfortable, happy. His connection to me was fierce, and his desire to grow up and away from me was just as fierce.

* * *

National Geographic recently produced a program for their television channel entitled, ‘In the Womb’. This remarkable program featured 4D pictures of babies in the womb. They defined 4D as 3D sonograms in real time. I watched as a 30 week fetus yawned and played with its nose. Seeing the babies grow and develop in the womb reinforced my belief that we are already parenting these beings well before they are born.

Looking back over 30 years I know that my first pregnancy started me on my path of support and nurturance for mothers and babies, pre- and post-partum. A few years ago, I named my new business Womb To Grow. I now see it as an even more accurate name for what it is we as mothers do. We are growing right along with our babies as we create, sustain, nurture and give birth to another being. We can trust our babies to teach us how to be the best mother to them. All we need to do is pay attention, starting from the moment we choose to become mothers during the early phase of pregnancy and continuing on through the rest of the pregnancy, the birth and the early years of parenting. From the moment we welcome the pregnancy into our lives we are already on our way.

In a Nutshell - 9: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-10T12:49:00.000-08:00

From Kwan Yin of China to Aido Hwedo of Africa; from Isis of Egypt to Gaia of Greece and Spider Woman of the Hopi, the creator of the world and of people is female. Though the name changes from culture to culture, she is still the great mother, the all-giver, bringing forth life and nourishing it from her body. (Diane Stein)
Somehow I had gotten it in my head that, as a parent, my job was to make demands. I learned, however, that I could make all the demands in the world but still couldn’t make the children do anything. (Marshall B. Rosenberg)
A three-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. (email)
I love sharing a bed. I always have. (Jennifer E. Moore)
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. (Gloria Steinem)
Appreciate everything and everyone. Look upon every experience you’ve ever had, and everyone who’s ever played a role in your life, as having been sent to you for your benefit. In this universe, which was created by a divine, organizing intelligence, there are simply no accidents. (Wayne Dyer)
You probably do not want to know what that odor is. (email)
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. (John Wilmot)
When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths. (Billy, age 4)

Crib Tales or Sleeping with Baby by Saralee Sky

2010-03-10T12:47:00.000-08:00

My friend, Eric, was over the other day. He and his wife are expecting their first baby in May. I was showing him my web site and he asked me, “Do you have any cribs?”

“No,” I said, “and I don’t recommend them.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“Well for one thing, you simply won’t use it. And for another, the baby will much prefer sleeping with you,” I said. “If you sleep with the baby, it makes late night feedings so much easier.”

I showed him an ad for a co-sleeping bed that attaches to the parents’ bed. “You’ll get much more use out of something like this,” I told him. He looked at me like I was crazy! I could sympathize with his confusion – and his complete innocence as he approached parenthood.

Time and again I have seen first time pregnant moms get all starry eyed as they shop for cribs. Well-meaning grandparents step up and pay the price for this ‘essential’ piece of furniture. More money is spent on making the nursery just right. It’s part of the nesting instinct. But once the baby is born, those parents end up turning the crib into a storage area for all the cute stuffed animals they received as birth and shower gifts. And the beautiful nursery is seldom used until it is turned into a toddler’s bedroom.

Going to sleep in a crib all by herself is the last place the baby wants to be! And the nursery is just too far away from mom. For the first 12-15 months after birth, the baby still thinks of herself as part of her mother. She will sleep much better in the bed with her parents or in a sling or other kind of baby carrier. She needs the physical closeness as she adjusts to life outside the womb. At times when she absolutely must be put in the crib, a machine that makes the sound of a heartbeat and other noises heard within the womb will help her sleep. Those are the sounds she’s used to hearing. They are familiar and comforting.

My oldest son, Joseph, slept with me and my partner most of the time. Still I had a bassinet and then a crib next to my bed that I would occasionally try to use. He was an early crawler – in a hurry to be on the move. At 5 months he could crawl well! One day when he was in his 5th month I put him down for a nap in his crib and went to the bathroom on the other side of the apartment. I was sitting on the toilet when I heard a thump and then a series of short pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-pats coming closer and closer to the bathroom door. I opened the door with some trepidation to find Joseph right outside the door!

Wait a minute! How could that be? I just put him in his crib! So, I picked him up and carried him back to our bedroom and put him back in the crib and sat down on my bed to watch what he would do. That little 5 month old baby shinnied up the bars of the crib and launched himself head first out of the crib, landing first on my bed (I was there to catch him this time!) and then down onto the floor! Needless to say that was the end of the crib for Joseph!

Now I know that co-sleeping isn’t for everyone. You must decide what works best for you and your family. The most important thing to understand is that your little baby will grow up and away from you as quickly as he possibly can. That’s his job. Your job is to love and nurture and protect him as he grows. The early lessons he learns about the world around him in his first years he will carry with him throughout his life. If he is held and cuddled as much as possible in the first year, if all his needs are met quickly and with love, he will learn that the world is a safe place in which to live and grow.

When should you transition her to her own bed? There are many options here:

When you are feeling too cramped.
When she tells you she wants her own bed.
When another baby is on the way.
When it just feels right. Trust yourself and your baby to know when it’s time for her to sleep on her own.

I write this article from the perspective of a mother and grandmother. When my children were young I thought that time would be forever. Now my sons are all grown up and on their own. Still they look to me for companionship, for support when they are in trouble, and to help take care of their own children. How we parent says more about us than how we make our living or how we practice our spirituality. We are everything to our baby or toddler. If we raise him with love and respect he will grow up to love and respect himself and others. And - if you sleep with him when he is a baby - chances are much better that everyone will get a good night’s sleep!

In a Nutshell - 8: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-10T12:41:00.000-08:00

The knowledge that each and every childbirth is a spiritual experience has been forgotten by too many people in the world today, especially in the countries with high levels of technology. (Ina May Gaskin)
When a child is born, the entire Universe has to shift and make room…Every child born is a living Buddha. (Stephen Gaskin)
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. (Gloria Steinem)
My parents love me. (Crystal Sky, age 4)
The world is a process of translation: spirit into substance, powerlessness into wisdom, ego into knowledge. At each stage we must give up something even if it is a way of life that we have always known. There is no free lunch, my daughter, even on the road to the stars. (Ginevee)
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. (email from a friend)
A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do. (Lois Wyse)
The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star, hath had elsewhere its setting, and cometh from afar: Not in entire forgetfulness, and not in utter nakedness, but trailing clouds of glory do we come from God, who is our home: Heaven lies about us in our infancy! (William Wordsworth)

The Day I Met Ina May by Saralee Sky

2010-03-10T12:39:00.000-08:00

Early last June (2004) I was invited to attend the Grand Opening Ceremony of the new birthing center in our town of Bellingham , Washington . The birthing center was designed to be a kind of intermediary between a home birth and a hospital birth, combining a comfortable homey atmosphere with various kinds of birthing options and equipment.

The ceremony was divided into two parts: a keynote address delivered in a nearby church, and the ribbon (made to look like an umbilical cord!) cutting ceremony, followed by tours of the facility and refreshments at the birthing center itself. The talk was given by a visiting luminary in the field of midwifery and home births – Ina May Gaskin.

I had never met Ina May Gaskin before, but I was very aware of her influence in the field of modern midwifery. Back in the mid-70’s and early 80’s when I was giving birth (at home) to my two sons, Ina May’s book Spiritual Midwifery was a delicious must-read chronicle of home birth after home birth at The Farm in Tennessee.

The Farm is an intentional community – commune – that was started in the early 70’s under the spiritual guidance of Ina May’s husband, Stephen Gaskin. I remember these big converted school buses going around the country, picking up followers and hippies. Stephen was a mesmerizing speaker and he offered up his own brand of spirituality and communal living. When I was searching for a way out of the city (I lived in San Francisco ) in the early 70’s I considered moving to The Farm.

I ended up buying into a community called Navarro Ranch in northern California , where we each owned our own 40-acre parcel and also co-owned 100+ acres of common land and roads. We had a government and assessed ourselves dues to maintain the common areas, but we did not have a unified spiritual vision as did The Farm.

Ina May and the other midwives at The Farm started doing home births as a matter of necessity. She is credited with having revived the ‘lost art’ of home birth. Ina May recognized birth as a woman-centered, natural process. She learned how to be a midwife by:

following the spiritual precepts of her husband, Stephen
learning from some compassionate local doctors
learning from the women whose births she attended
reading medical text books
listening to her own mother, who taught her that birth was not something to be afraid of.

She says she is still learning.

In the latest edition of Spiritual Midwifery, Ina May writes: “Women today continue to require the knowledge that birth still works and that every woman has her unique way of bringing her baby into the world. One good way to acquire this precious knowledge is to hear or read the birth stories of quite a few women who have given birth. A generation ago when I wrote the first edition of Spiritual Midwifery, I tried to make it the book I wanted when I was pregnant for the first time. My needs were pretty simple. I wanted to know what birth looked like. I wanted to know what it felt like and what would help it proceed the best way it could.” How marvelous! How simple! How revolutionary! And how very necessary!

When my sister gave birth in the 60’s, her OB/GYN put her to sleep with some sort of gas and extracted her baby with forceps. She awoke hours later to be presented with her baby! She did NOT give birth. Her doctor DELIVERED her baby. When I worked for a time in the early 70’s as a medical secretary for 3 OB/GYN doctors, the eldest doctor in the practice used to say to me: “The truly liberated woman is a woman without her uterus!” What incredible hubris and effrontery! No wonder we had to rediscover how to have babies naturally.

To my mind, women do not need to give birth in hospitals for the simple reason that they are NOT sick. Birthing is a natural process. With support and the knowledge of what is going on during labor and delivery, most women can give birth without the need of medical intervention.

Ina May created a school at The Farm for other women to learn to become midwives. Since that first school, midwifery schools have sprung up all over the country. Now midwives can be certified by a national registry and be licensed in their local communities.

The actual night I met Ina May stands out as a highlight in my life and is also a blur of images and feelings. I sat in the church and listened to her talk entitled “The Sphincter Law’. She talked without notes from her vast knowledge and experience. She was small in physical body and huge in luminosity and stature. I cannot actually remember her words! I sat there basking in her presence and in the presence of the 300+ people in attendance – mothers, fathers, babies, children, crones (wise women) like me. There were pregnant women and nursing women and midwives. The energy in the room was brimming over and full of life.

After the talk, I began to walk out of the church with the rest of the audience, slowly making our way to the birthing center for the reception. As I walked out into the vestibule, I found myself next to Ina May! “Hi!” I said and then I told her how much I enjoyed her talk. We began to walk together up the block. We shared some of our earlier experiences. I told her about my new business Womb To Grow aka Babynut.com. I told her that I sold her books on Babynut and I even gave her one of my cards! Who knows what she actually did with it! I treasure the essence of the moments we spent in each other’s presence – a comfortable stroll and a meeting of two women with a passion for natural birth and loving support for women, babies and children.

In a Nutshell - 7: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-10T12:38:00.000-08:00

The first law, my daughter, is that all power comes from woman. The second law is never do anything that harms children….Always protect the children. (Agnes Whistling Elk)
Legos will pass through the digestive system of a four year old. Duplos will not. (email from friend)
They say that genes skip generations. Maybe that’s why grandparents find their grandchildren so likeable. (John McIntosh)
When the great Tao is forgotten, kindness and morality arise. When wisdom and intelligence are born, the great pretense begins. When there is no peace within the family, filial piety and devotion arise. When the country is confused and in chaos, loyal ministers appear. (Lao Tsu)
When you hear the toilet flush and the words, “Uh-oh”, it’s already too late. (email from friend)
Massage is simple in terms of technique, yet powerful in what it conveys: your love, understanding, and attention. (Nicki Bainbridge)
The idea that a baby is a tabula rasa – blank slate – was conceived by someone who never had a baby or ever tried to raise one! (Saralee Sky)
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. (Alex Haley)
The more I wonder…the more I love. (Alice Walker)

The Middle Road of Parenting by Saralee Sky

2010-03-10T12:37:00.000-08:00

As I approach the first anniversary of Babynut – Babynut’s 1st Birthday! – I am very aware of how much of a parent I am to this brand new business. As with a real child, the first year has been packed with learning and development and unexpected crises, problems and joys.

When I look back upon my experience as a parent and compare it to my experience as a grandparent, I have to laugh. Being a parent is SO much harder – I felt so responsible and I was! Everything my kids put in their mouth, wore on their bodies, everywhere they went, where they lived, what they watched on TV – whether they watched TV – it all was up to me! Or so it seemed.

From the time they were in the womb both Joseph and Gabriel asserted their own personalities. Slowly I learned that - while I was the one making most of the major decisions in their lives (with the help of their dad) – they had their own specific needs, wants, preferences and karma. The idea that a baby is a tabula rasa – blank slate – was conceived by someone who never had a baby or ever tried to raise one!

In the nature vs nurture debate, I began to lean more heavily toward nature as my experience as a parent grew. I could influence their daily environment and make decisions for them about what they could eat when they were with me, where they would live, what toys they could have, but they had their own likes and dislikes, needs and desires and my job as a parent began to take a different role as I paid more attention to them as separate people with their own dharma, or destiny to live out.

As a new parent I was intense in my need and determination to be the best mother I could be. My oldest son Joseph was NOT going to wear disposable diapers, eat processed sugar, play with guns. His birthday cake when he was two was a carrot cake made with whole wheat flower and honey and must have weight ten pounds!

One day when he was three, he ran into the local general store ahead of me and headed straight for the candy display. I didn’t think he even knew what a candy bar was, yet there he was eating a Snickers right through the wrapping! I had to pry the bar out of his sticky little hands, pay for it, then tell the store clerk to throw it away.

He wasn’t allowed to play with guns or have one, so every stick he found became a gun. “Pow-pow!” he’d shout, running all over the yard and through the woods with his little friends. When he was six he got some money for his birthday from a relative. I took him to the toy store and what did he want to buy? A set of six-guns in a holster. Of course. And you know what? I let him buy them.

This is what I finally got through my thick, self-righteous head: by denying him access to toy guns and candy bars I was setting up an even more intense desire for toy guns and candy bars. This is where the title of the piece comes in. I began to realize that there had to be a middle road to parenting. Buddha talked about the middle path, about moderation in all things. As a parent so far I was anything but moderate. I was a fanatic!

I started to ease up on my need to control everything that went into Joseph’s mouth, every toy he played with. That didn’t mean I stopped parenting. What it does mean is that I started listening to Joseph more, allowing him to make more of his own choices. He bought the gun set and played cowboy a lot for a few days and then the guns became just one of his many toys. The desire, once fulfilled, extinguished. I let him have a candy bar every now and then as a special treat. No big deal. He lived!

When my second son, Gabriel, was born, we were living on 40 acres of land with no electricity and only cold running water. I had to wash his cloth diapers with a hand-operated wringer washer. It took all day to accomplish the tasks of cooking, cleaning and washing and washing and washing!

As Gabriel grew I began cheating a little. When we went into town for the day to go grocery shopping or use the laundromat, I would resort to disposable diapers for the trip. At first I felt really guilty, then relieved as it was one less thing to deal with during this very busy town day with two young children. I began to see that being a happier, more relaxed parent was preferable to being an overworked, miserable parent, lugging a bunch of smelly diapers around all day.

As you travel your own parenting path, you will come to many crossroads, many decision points. Home birth? Circumcision? Cloth diapers? Vaccines? Nursing? Vegetarian diet? Organic clothes? Co-sleeping? Time out? Home schooling? You will get a lot of peer pressure and family pressure to decide one way or the other, depending upon your friends’ and family’s opinions, but that is another article! And you will also get a lot of information from your child as she grows and develops. I urge you to find your own middle path. Listen to your self, your clear inner voice that tells you whether you are being true to yourself and your inner core of beliefs. Listen to your child and try to determine when it is necessary to hold the line and when the line has some give to it.

The world is full of experts with opinions and facts to support those opinions, and full of opinionated people with absolutely no facts to support their opinions! You must learn to walk through the maze of these opinions and methods of child-rearing, and – in the end – come to a place that works for you, your child, your family, your peace of mind. I wish you much joy on your journey.

In a Nutshell - 6: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-09T10:02:00.000-08:00

I think parenting needs to come out of the closet as the messy, wonderful, scary, daring occupation that it is. (Natalie, 32, mother of two)
I used to think parents who told me that my whole life would change when I had kids were either bad parents or crazy. How could it be that hard? Then I had Olivia! (Mary, 37, mother of one)
Parenting in the real world is a whole lot messier than parenting on TV. Unless, of course, you happen to tune into Malcolm in the Middle. (Ann Douglas)
The average American child is exposed to more than 20,000 commercial messages each year. Brand loyalty is now beginning as early as age two. (Ann Douglas)
From the day a toddler issues her first declaration of independence with a loud, emphatic ‘NO!’ the parent-child relationship becomes a tug-of-war between holding on and letting go. (Nancy Samalin)
The child supplies the power, but the parents have to do the steering. (Dr. Spock)
I buried a lot of ironing in the backyard. (Phyllis Diller)

Framing Children's Art by Saralee Sky

2010-03-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

It was my daughter-in-law’s birthday and once again I faced the dilemma of what to give her. Jackie is notorious for returning gifts and buying things for the children instead. I wanted to give her something she would keep and – more important – something she would like!

Percolating in the back of my mind was an idea gleaned from a recent visit to my sister’s house in Detroit. In her den, Sheila had a shelf that spanned the width of the room. Her TV sat on the shelf along with a collection of framed children’s art, created by her children when they were young and now her grandchildren. Sheila framed them and in some cased matted and framed them and then arranged them on the wall above the shelf and on the shelf itself. There were so many pieces they overlapped each other, but the effect was bright and cheerful and – artistic!

I also recently watched an episode of the TV show, Play With Me Sesame. During the episode, Grover sings “Old MacDonald Had A Frame”. While he sings, an image of a frame is filled again and again by different children’s drawings. A picture of the child appears to the left of the frame as their art is displayed. This segment along with my visit to my sister’s house helped me come up with the perfect gift for my daughter-in-law.

Lately my granddaughter Crystal (soon to be 4) has been drawing primitive people. She recently presented me with two pictures, one of me and one of herself. Each one was a great big head taking up about two thirds of the page and angled to the left. There were two circles for eyes, one much bigger than the other and two circles inside the eyes to represent the iris or colored part of the eye. She drew a circle for the nose, a straight line for the mouth and two small circles for the ears on her self-portrait. On the picture of me, she did not draw ears because she can rarely see my ears through all my hair! She drew a scribble on the top of the head for hair, two lines coming out of the middle of the head for arms and two lines at the bottom of the head for legs. In short, a floating head with stick arms and legs!

I took one of the pictures with me and went to a local department store to check out mats and frames. I found a double mat for an 8x10 size picture and a reasonably priced 12x16 frame that fit the matt. I started heading for the check-out when I turned around and headed straight back to the frame area and bought two double mats and two frames. I just couldn’t frame only one of her pictures and besides, I wanted one for myself!

Back at home I quickly matted and framed each of Crystal’s pictures, hanging one in my office and wrapping one for Jackie. I wrote her this note in her birthday card: “For your birthday, here is a piece of original art. Treasure it – it’s priceless.” On the back of the frame I wrote the date and the title of each picture: ‘Crystal’s self-portrait’ or ‘Crystal’s portrait of Nana’.

The day came for her birthday barbeque and we gathered at my son’s house, four generations of people coming together to celebrate Jackie’s 24th year on this planet and the chance to be together for a happy occasion. The time came for her to open her presents. Crystal helped her tear off the wrapping of each one. When it came to my present, she read the card and I could see the question in her eyes. ‘Original art’? She removed the wrapping and her eyes lit up. “It’s perfect!” she said. “Look everyone, Sara framed one of Crystal’s drawings!”

Everyone oohed and awed and passed the picture around. Jackie walked straight to a place on the living room wall and demanded a nail to hang it right away. She would not blow out her candles on the cake until that picture was hung. I admit I was a bit stunned by her intense reaction and that of everyone else in the room.

“What a great idea!”
“Look what she did – she matted and framed Crystal’s drawing!”
“I never thought to do that with my kids’ drawings.”
And “You should write about this in your newsletter!”

And so I am. I am sure you all have stacks of drawings that you first put up on the refrigerator, then quietly move to the recycle bin as the next wave of paintings and drawings appear. I do, too. I am NOT suggesting that you frame each and every drawing or painting that comes your way. What I am suggesting is this: every so often you will notice that your child has entered a new stage of drawing/painting development. You may want to commemorate that new stage by at least matting a representative drawing of that new stage. Don’t forget to put the date and ‘title’ of the drawing on the back.

Or, every so often, your child will produce a picture that simply speaks to you. One that you will want to look at again and again. I say to you: go for it! Mat and frame it and hang it on the wall – in your den or in their room or in your living room along with the professional art you have in your home. The picture I framed for myself hangs next to a batik wall hanging I bought in Scotland. My office doubles as our library and is the room through which everyone must pass to enter our house. Everyone sees that picture.

When Crystal came to visit recently, I pointed to the picture and said, “Who made this?”

“I did!” she said proudly. That says it all.

In a Nutshell - 5: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-09T09:50:00.000-08:00

Developing brains need songs. Research is clear on that. Songs awaken memories too. They’re the hooks to hang your memories on. (Tom Hunter)
Be careful not to get smug because the gods of pregnancy are usually fair. In other words, if you don’t get morning sickness, you will probably be cursed with uncontrollable gas. (Vicki Iovine)
Work for justice. Struggle for forgiveness. Choose love. (Patricia Benson)
You see your child as a companion with the qualities you have or would like to have. (Naemi Stilman, M.D.)
I’m having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. (Governor Ella Grasso)
The only thing that seems eternal and natural in motherhood is ambivalence. (Jane Lazarre)
I was awake for the whole unbelievable birth. It was so emotional I sobbed through the entire experience….And then I saw the doctor lift him up. It is the single most amazing experience a human being could ever have. (Kathie Lee Gifford)

Placenta Stew Or the Story of My Second Home Birth by Saralee Sky

2010-03-09T09:48:00.000-08:00

It was late summer 1979. I lived with my partner, Richard, and my 4 year old son, Joseph, in the coastal hills of northern California, about 100 miles north of San Francisco. We were back-to-the-landers. We owned 40 acres of land on a 2000-acre ranch called Navarro Ranch, which a group of us had legally sub-divided in 1974. Navarro Ranch was one of 3 subdivided ranches in the area. The other two were named Sea View and Gualala.

Richard, Joseph and I lived in a mostly completed one-room cabin with running cold water and no electricity at the end of a 2-mile dirt road. It was situated on a large, natural meadow that sloped down into a wooded canyon. The canyon was bordered on the opposite side by a wooded ridge, which rose to 1,500 feet and down the other side to the Pacific Ocean. Until recently, this ridge had been covered in a thick forest of second growth redwood, fir and madrone trees. But an 8,000-acre wild fire - which started on Sea View Ranch, then spread to Gualala and finally Navarro – had destroyed almost all of the trees and our first cabin in 1978.

When I discovered I was pregnant for the second time I went to see my friend and Navarro Ranch neighbor, Sherry, a local midwife whose very first home birth had been my son, Joseph! She was eager to help again with this pregnancy. My due date was set at May 15th.

I had regular office visits with Dr. Donald S. in the town of Occidental in case I needed to go to the hospital. Donald believed in home births, but was no longer able to attend them because his medical malpractice insurance forbade it. I also stopped by to visit with midwives Shelly and Rhonda from time to time. They had a brand new midwifery clinic in the little town of Cazadero, 5 miles from our cabin. They would be available to step in if Sherry was attending another birth.

Time went by and the pregnancy progressed with little difficulty. The phone company put in phone lines all over Navarro Ranch. Our primitive off-the-grid existence now had one grid attached to it – a phone. This would come in handy when I went into labor.

I was about 7 months along in early March of 1980 when my doctor stated that the baby was breech. “You’re going to have to encourage this baby to turn around and be head down soon – or there’s no way you can have this baby at home,” he told me. “I’m not even sure you can have her vaginally in the hospital. You may be looking at a Caesarean. “

Whoa! I did not want this baby to be born breech or in a hospital via C-section, but I knew that she would soon be too big to turn herself around in the womb. I tried getting onto my hands and knees and letting my big belly hang down for 15 – 20 minutes several times a day, hoping that the extra room this position gave the baby would encourage her to move.

You might notice that I keep saying ‘her’. The reason for this is because I was at a party when I was about 5 months along, and a ‘professional psychic’ came up to me and said, “You’re having a girl.” I was also carrying all around my body instead of in front like I did with my son, Joseph. I figured the psychic must be right. We didn’t have sonograms in those days. The sex of the baby was a mystery until it emerged from the womb.

In addition to the hands and knees position I massaged my belly using circular motions while I talked to the baby, asking her to turn. No way! This baby was a (stubborn) Taurus-to-be and she liked her heads-up position and that was that. Well, I am an Aries, but I have Taurus rising and I know a little bit about stubborn! In late March I was visiting with Shelly and Rhonda in their clinic and I asked them to help me turn this baby.

Shelly had read about midwives turning babies in the womb. This was done by having the mother lie on her back, placing hands on the outside of her belly to locate the baby’s head and butt and slowly pushing the baby to the desired position. It was not without risk. The umbilical cord could get caught or looped around the baby’s neck. The baby could feel distressed by the external pressure to move. We decided to give it a try and go very slowly, stopping every few minutes to monitor the baby’s heartbeat.

The procedure took about 45 minutes. Slowly but surely, Shelley pushed the baby’s butt up and her head down. It was a magical process. The baby’s heartbeat remained steady. I entered an altered state of consciousness as Shelly and I and the baby worked together to change her position. When it was all over the baby was no longer breech, and she remained head down for the rest of the pregnancy.

A few weeks later the women on Navarro Ranch gave me a surprise baby shower. I got lots of little dresses for ‘Sara’s little girl’. I was nesting heavily by that time and was quite sure the baby would be coming early, though I had no medical reason for my feelings. I wanted everything to be ready weeks before my due date.

Three weeks before the baby was due on April 23rd, Richard, Joseph and I were invited to dinner at the home of our friends and neighbors, Jack and Karen. Like all cabins on Navarro Ranch, their cabin was a work in progress. Jack had planned for five steps leading up to the front door, but so far had built only four of them. You had to step up twice as high from step four to the landing. This was no problem going up. Going down later that night to go home, I completely forgot about the missing fifth step and my big belly made it impossible to see below me. I put my foot out expecting to meet a step in about eight inches and found nothing but air. My foot finally landed about 16 inches down, but I was then off balance and I fell backward (luckily) and sat down hard on my bottom. Big jolt for me and the baby!

That night I awoke about 3 AM and felt wetness underneath me. “Oh no, I’ve wet the bed! How weird!” Then I realized what had really happened: my water broke! The fall must have damaged the membrane. Ready or not here comes the baby!

Labor did not start even though my water was broken. I called Sherry about 7:00 AM to learn that she was away in San Francisco for the day. So I called Shelly and Rhonda and they arrived soon after 8:00. “Let’s get this labor started – we don’t want infection to set in.” First they gave me a Fleet enema. Did I mention that in addition to no electricity, we had an open-air outhouse for a ‘bathroom’? This was not pleasant. Shelly was hoping that by cleaning me out, labor would start. It didn’t.

Next she suggested that I go for a hike. Joseph stayed with Shelley and Rhonda and Richard and I set off through the woods, up and down hills, through green meadows full of wild irises. Everything looked and felt surreal. I could see waves of energy shimmering off the wild grasses, flowers and trees. My perception was hyper-keen as if I had taken a psychedelic drug. I knew labor was about to start and my baby would soon be born.

At about 3:00 in the afternoon – 12 hours after my water broke – my contractions started. They were about 15 minutes apart. We called some of our friends and neighbors who started drifting in to be present for the labor and birth. My 4-year-old son Joseph was with me through out the day and into the evening. My contractions remained steady but did not get closer together, nor did my cervix dilate beyond 5.

People came and went, dinner was made and served to those who could eat (not me). Joseph went to sleep. Richard, Shelly and Rhonda slept. Around 10:00 PM Sherry (midwife #1) arrived full of apologies for not believing me when I said the baby was coming early. Tired out from her trip to San Francisco, she also settled down to rest.

I sat up in my bed in the dark. I was the only one awake. Around midnight I called out, “Is anyone awake?” Sherry woke, came to my side and said, “I’m here, Sara. Let’s birth this baby!” She held my hands through the contractions, lending me her strength. The contractions began to speed up and increase in intensity. The people who were still around woke up and others were called to come back for the birth. Richard pushed on my lower back to ease the pain of the back labor. We let Joseph sleep until I was ready to push.

Sometime after 2:00 AM my cervix was fully dilated. Transition happened more easily than with my first birth, but it was still extremely intense and painful. This time my body knew what to do and I was more able to move through the birth mentally and emotionally. Plus, this baby was smaller. We estimated between 4 and 5 pounds and hoped for 5. Three weeks early meant a smaller baby.

Smaller or not, it still took an hour of pushing to birth this baby. As the head began to crown, Joseph was sitting on Rhonda’s lap right in front of me, eyes wide as he watched the baby being born. As the head emerged, Sherry told me to use the Lamaze puffing breath to back away from the urge to push. “I’ll only puff if everyone else does, too,” I said. By this time about a dozen people were crowded into our little one-room house. And everyone puffed and blew along with me as I looked at each person in turn, daring someone not to puff so that I could push this baby out! Everyone puffed.

Soon the head was out, but something was wrong. The cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck – twice! And the baby’s color was blue. Sherry worked the cord away from the baby’s neck carefully and then the rest of the body began to slither out. “Put your hands down and catch your baby!” Sherry said. And I did. As she slid out from between my legs I caught her in my hands and lifted her onto my stomach, warm wet and with a penis! Psychic prediction be damned, it was a boy! Gabriel Hamlin was born at 3:14 AM, April 25th 1980.

What an amazing peak experience! I was laughing and crying and – wait – he still wasn’t breathing. The midwives started scurrying about, setting up emergency equipment on the kitchen table. “We need to take him for a while. We need to make him breathe.”

I looked at my friend and land partner, Patrick. He looked back at me and nodded. His look said to me, ‘You can do this.’ “No,” I said to the midwives, “He’s just not in his body yet.” I began to rub his back and say, “Come on, little guy, you can come in now. It’s time to come in to your body and breathe.”

Almost two minutes after he was born, Gabriel took his first breath, called into his body by his mother. I watched with relief as his little body turned from blue to pink. As we predicted, he was small – 5 pounds, 4 ounces. But his breathing, once started, was good and he nursed readily.

About 20 minutes later the placenta was delivered. I sat back happy and exhausted. Everyone was milling about, high from the experience of witnessing a birth. Joseph was sleeping in the bed next to his baby brother, who was also asleep. It had been 30+ hours since I had anything to eat, and 24 hours since I had slept. I was depleted from the 12 hours of labor and the strenuous hike I took before labor set in.

“What do you want to eat?” Patrick asked me.

“The placenta!” I blurted out. And so Patrick made placenta stew. He chopped up the placenta into little pieces. It resembled liver in texture and color. He fried it up in olive oil and soy sauce with tofu and onions and garlic and carrots and served it over rice.

It was delicious! Though a bit grainy in texture, the taste was like a really good steak – and I was a vegetarian! Everyone who was still there and awake had a taste. Now – 24 years later – it seems a bit bizarre, even to an old Earth mother like me. But at the time it felt exactly right and I have never regretted the experience or the choice. In that era in that moment on that 40-acre parcel of land in the coastal mountains of northern California, placenta stew hit the spot!

It would be five weeks before I ventured down from our little mountain with Gabriel. I wanted to wait until he put some meat on his little bones. He was my little Taurus baby, my tiny one, my love. Gabe is now a father with two children of his own. I was present for both of their births. The wheel of time spins on and I am grateful for this ride on it and for this journey of birth and birth and – eventually – death.

I look back on his birth 24 years ago and I am proud of how I turned him and birthed him and caught him, and especially proud of the moment when we all shared placenta stew.

Placenta Stew Recipe
1 placenta, chopped into 1 inch squares
1 pound of extra firm tofu, cut into 1 inch squares
1 yellow onion, chopped
2 carrots, sliced
2-3 cloves of garlic, diced
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons soy sauce
Cayenne or black pepper to taste.

Heat the olive oil on medium heat in a large skillet. Add the garlic and onions. When onions are transparent, add the placenta and brown. After a few minutes add the tofu and carrots. Cook for 20 minutes on medium to medium low. Add the soy sauce and pepper in the last few minutes. Serve over brown rice. Enjoy.

In a Nutshell -4: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-09T09:46:00.000-08:00

The baby is the book. Read it, you won’t be able to put it down! (Jan Hunt)
A crane calling in the shade. Its young answers it. I have a good goblet. I will share it with you. (I Ching)
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn’t permanent. (Jean Kerr)
Sainthood is acceptable only in saints. (Pamela Hansford Johnson)
When I take another’s needs into consideration and bend, I spiritually stretch. (Helene Lerner-Robbins)
If newborns could remember and speak, they would emerge from the womb carrying tales as wondrous as Homer’s. (Newsweek)
The child’s state of consciousness is not to be rejected or replaced, but supplemented by the growing knowledge that you can’t get what you want by force….This is what we have to teach children with the utmost patience we can muster. (Ina May Gaskin)
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. (Erma Bombeck)

Why Did You Do That? The Most Fruitless Question A Parent Can Ask by Saralee Sky

2010-03-09T09:37:00.000-08:00

Picture this: You walk in to your family room. A moment ago it was a peaceful scene, with your two children playing quietly. Now all is chaos. Your 1 year old is squalling, milk and cereal dripping down his face. The dog is happily lapping up the puddle of milk and cereal that made it to the floor. Your 4 year old is standing there, a guilty smile on her face, her milky spoon still in her hand. And what do you do? You look at your 4 year old and demand, “Why did you DO that?” And what does she say? “I don’t know.” Or worse, “Because.”

Here is the real answer: She probably doesn’t know and you will never know. Maybe your 1 year old actually deserved it. Maybe your 4 year old wanted to see what the baby looked like with milk on his face. Maybe the devil told her to do it. Bottom line: it doesn’t matter. Asking why is the most fruitless question you will ever ask.

Frederick Perls – father of Gestalt Therapy – states in his book Gestalt Therapy Verbatim, “I know you want to ask why…to get rationalization or explanation. But the why at best leads to clever explanation,…never to an understanding.” He goes on to say that every event has many causes. All kinds of factors and experiences come together to create the moment that is nowand the person that is your child at this moment in time.

Give up on why. Trying to pinpoint the motive(s) of your child’s behavior is a futile exercise, and one guaranteed to cause you grief. Look instead at the now and the how. Now is all that truly exists. The past is gone, the future yet to be. How describes the structure of Now, and includes behavior and everything else that is happening in the moment.

Let’s go back to my opening example. The Now you encounter is your 1 year old with milk and cereal and tears on his face, your dog lapping up the mess and your 4 year old standing there with her spoon in her hand. It is definitely her cereal all over your 1 year old. A better question to ask is, “What happened here?”

In Gestalt Therapy theory, we always respond to the most pressing unfinished situation first. As I see it, the crying baby with the milk and cereal all over him is the most pressing need to be attended to. Pick him up, clean him off and comfort him. All the while listen to your 4 year old if indeed she is speaking at all. Give her a towel to help you clean up the mess on the floor, but do not yell at her. Use this time to calm yourself – and everyone else – down.

When you are finished cleaning up and your 1 year old is calmer, look directly at your 4 year old and ask her again to tell you how the milk and cereal got all over the baby. She may tell you a story about how the baby was bugging her or crying or grabbing for the cereal. Perhaps she will even tell you she got mad and poured the cereal over the baby’s head. Maybe not. You are not looking for justification here, just a recapping of what happened when you were out of the room. If she is unable or unwilling to talk, do not force the issue.

At this point you can talk to her about using words when she is angry or calling to you for help if the baby is bugging her. You can also tell her that pouring cereal over her brother’s head is never an option. If it is blatantly her fault, a 3-4 minute time-out may be necessary. What is really of no real importance is the why. Her actual behavior is now the most important unfinished situation to deal with, not why she did what she did. She is testing out her world and trying out new behaviors and you are there to help her learn what the acceptable limits are in any given situation.

Many valuable minutes, hours, and sleepless nights are wasted on trying to assign motives to children’s (and adult’s) behavior. “She’s jealous…she’s angry…she’s mean…she’s manipulative…she’s tired.” Any or all may apply. The motive is the why. The behavior is the how. It is not up to you to discern the true motive and then pass judgment upon that motive. Ignore the motive and focus on the behavior. You have no right to tell her what to feel. You do have the right to correct her behavior. See the difference?

Why should you do what I tell you to do?
Because… !?! :)

The Story of My First Home Birth by Saralee Sky

2010-03-08T09:46:00.000-08:00

It’s time to get back to where it all started, for me at least. My first pregnancy – and my first home birth – is what started me on the path that led to the creation of Babynut. It’s a story about rediscovering the power within me – and all women – to create, sustain, and birth a new being in the world.

It was 1974 and I was 25 when I became pregnant for the first time. I was pretty much on my own, living in the coastal mountains of northern California. I was living alone – but near my friends – in a converted chicken shack! I was waiting for a road to be built to the 40-acre parcel of land I just purchased so I could build a house and live there. I was part of the “back to the land” movement that was happening in the early 70’s. I owned a treadle sewing machine, a sleeping bag and a VW van. Get the picture?

When I decided to have the baby, I knew that I, too, needed to do a lot of growing and developing to become the mother I truly wanted to be. As with all important decisions in my life, once I committed to being a mother to this baby, people and opportunities began to manifest to support my choice.

I met a woman who posed for the pictures in a book about prenatal yoga. She gave me the book to use and practice the poses. The book was Prenatal Yoga and Natural Childbirth by Jeannine Parvati Baker. (Learn more about this book in the Parenting Excerpts article.) Doing the poses every day, I began to tune in to the being who was growing inside me. I felt so connected to this being and not just physically. I knew how dependent he was upon me for his very life, but I also knew that a central part of him was his and his alone. I was honored to carry his life inside me.

I met a spiritual teacher – guru – from India who gave me a mantra and told me to repeat the mantra and rub my belly at the same time. As the baby grew, so did I. I was scared but I also began to feel within me the power and strength that was inherently female. I felt connected to all women down through the ages who had conceived and nurtured life. I felt so lucky to be able to experience this incredible closeness with another being. I never wanted this pregnancy to end!

The baby’s father, Richard, and I were no longer a couple, but were still friends. He wanted to be a part of the baby’s life as well. He moved up from San Francisco three months before the baby was born. By this time a group of us were camping out in tents on my friend’s land.

On my doctor’s advice, I toured the local hospital and was appalled at the ‘delivery room’ – which was an operating theatre, full of bright lights and a table with stirrups. The miracle of birth was discarded in favor of a medical procedure. Birth was something that was done to a woman and baby, not an event in which the mother and baby were the main participants. I knew I would only go there in the direst emergency, but I wasn’t sure how to go about giving birth outside a hospital. My doctor said home births were possible, but he would not be able to assist me unless I gave birth in the hospital.

Another back-to-the-lander was a nurse named Sherry, who was learning to be a midwife. She and another midwifery student, Susan, offered to support me through my pregnancy and assist with a home birth. They would be accompanied by their teacher when I went into labor, who was an experienced midwife. And I had friends and Richard who were there to help in any way they could. So it was settled. We’d do it at ‘home’, but home was now a tent on my friend’s land, adjacent to my 40-acre parcel. I still had no road. I had hoped to be on my own land by the time the baby was born, but time was growing shorter – and I was growing bigger - by the day.

A month before the baby was due, Richard and I decided to rent an apartment in a nearby town with running water and electricity. We’d move up to the land after the baby was born and we would have the time to build a little cabin. As the time for the birth grew near I was increasingly uncomfortable. I knew it was nature’s way of saying ‘this, too, must end’. On August 27th – right on my due date! – I went into labor.

When labor began I was blown away by how much the contractions hurt! I felt betrayed by Dr. Bradley who described contractions in his book about natural childbirth as waves of intensity. All my preparations went out of my head. I was scared and not at all sure I could do this!

The midwives kept in touch by phone, and – as the contractions increased from 25 minutes apart to 15 minutes apart - they decided to come on over to our little apartment in the redwoods.

As soon as they arrived I asked them for something to numb this pain!!! They smiled and said they didn’t have anything and helped me to relax and refocus. I settled in for what was to be a 12-hour athletic event! The midwifery teacher was away in Grass Valley on another birth. Sherry, Susan and I would have to do this without her. We were breaking new ground and recreating an ancient pattern all at the same time.

The major lesson for me during my labor was all about learning to open up and let this being go, just like the Egyptian Pharaoh with Moses and the people of Israel. Since it was a home birth, friends drifted in and by the time the baby was born, about a dozen people were on hand.

The first stage of labor proceeded slowly, with contractions going from 25 minutes apart to 15 minutes to five minutes to three to two. The pain was intense and the rest in between contractions glorious. Eight hours into labor I entered into transition. Words of advice – don’t argue with a woman in transition! Contractions were doubling up – no more delightful rest periods. And the pain was worse, though how this could be possible I really don’t know!

This lasted a few hours. I write this now matter of factly, with the distance of 28+ years. This baby wanted out and I could either get in the way or open up and let this baby go! My dear friend Ira helped me through the toughest contractions by holding a picture of my guru in front of me to give me strength. I suffered through this situation mightily until I finally got it and let go and opened up. And then it was time to push.

Pushing is when all the power of being a woman is concentrated into gut wrenching growls and muscles bearing down and energy pouring into and out of the womb – the tiny womb now grown huge and swollen with the life it must release. I pushed and I grunted and I bore down for over an hour and then – glory of glories – the head began to crown!

This is the time when you’re supposed to stop pushing and let the midwives help stretch the vaginal opening so you don’t tear. Forget it! The midwives were rookies and I was on a huge birthing, pushing roll. I pushed that head out! And there he was, just his head was born and his eyes were open and he was looking around at everyone in the room, I swear! (After the birth and 20+ stitches later, I would honestly not recommend anyone pushing the baby out like I did!)

A few more contractions and there he was, all 8 pounds, 3 ounces of him, brand new baby and wise, ageless being. They put his wet, slithering body on my belly and I laughed and cried with every ounce of my spent, emotional self. This, indeed, was a peak experience. I was alive in every atom of my physical self. I was connected with every other atom in the universe. I did it! We did it! We were a great team: me and the baby, with a great supporting cast of the midwives, Richard and all our friends. If we could do this we could do anything!

I believe pregnancy and childbirth is a metaphor for what we will have to face, endure and learn during parenthood. The way the baby is carried in the womb and birthed will give you insights into how he/she will be as a child and how you will relate to each other. But that’s another article!

In a Nutshell - 3: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-08T09:42:00.000-08:00

Having babies is having hope. (Jeannine Parvati Baker)
It is all gut and squall. (Charles Brown)
My children are my life. I can’t think of anything that gives me greater joy. (Jane Seymour)
Listen with care when your child tells you what he or she is afraid of. It doesn’t help to tease or say “There’s nothing to be scared of.” Fears are real to children. It’s important not to discount their feelings. (Mr. Rogers)
The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. (Jean Kerr)
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you. (Kahlil Gibran)
The baby was a lovely little boy, but, sad to say, he did not weigh sixty pounds. That is what I had gained and that was what I had to lose. (Barbara Bush)
Childbirth is more admirable than conquest, more amazing than self-defense, and as courageous as either one. (Gloria Steinem)

Setting Limits and Using Consequences by Joe Sky-Tucker

2010-03-08T09:39:00.000-08:00

I am not a parent yet. My experience comes from the twelve years and counting that I have worked with children, from after school daycare to a locked residential unit for “at-risk” youth and everything in-between. This article comes from my personal experience working with children and my great respect and love for them.

Disciplining your child has a negative connotation. There are books about positive discipline and different philosophies from using “time-out” to spanking. Whichever method is used there are some important things to know:

Every child needs to be loved unconditionally.
Every child needs limits. I cannot emphasize this enough.
Every child needs consistent limits and boundaries.

There is a rule when working with children called the ‘20 to 1 Rule’. That means 20 positive interactions with a child for every 1 negative one. Positive interactions can include compliments, physical affection, spending quality time with him. With parents that number is even higher: some say 50 to 1 and others say even 100 to 1.

Too much of discipline is punishment and negative consequences. Another method of discipline is reinforcing positive behaviors. Catch them being good and make a big deal out of it. If you are teaching table manners say, “I like how you are using your napkin to wipe your face. Good job!” This will work much better than yelling, “Stop wiping your mouth on your sleeve!”

When a child is chastised and put in “time-out” constantly, it can become the only form of attention she gets, thus creating a cycle in which she will act out just to get attention. That is why after every major consequence like a “time-out” it is important to repair the relationship. Your child feels like she has failed you. So talk about what happened, making sure to let her give you her side of the story without interruption. Then correct anything that didn’t happen or was untrue and come up with a more accurate version. And make sure she knows you still love her.

Ask her what she was feeling and if she doesn’t know you can suggest the feelings for her, “Were you feeling sad, mad, frustrated…?”. Validate her feelings, then talk about positive ways she could have expressed those feelings, “When you were mad, instead of throwing your shoe, what could you have done?” Then make a plan for the future when she gets mad again, “Next time you can stomp your feet and say ‘I’m mad’, then we can figure out what to do about it.” By doing this after major conflicts you are providing a structure in which your child’s voice is heard, and you are teaching her about expressing her feelings and the proper ways to behave.

Here is a little parental cheat sheet:

Love your child and let him know it often.
Have consistent well-known rules and consequences for breaking the rules.
Always repair the relationship and let the child know that you still love him.
Provide him with the correct words to get his needs met in positive ways.
Validate her feelings; she may be experiencing these feelings for the first time.
Use ‘do’ instead of ‘don’t’. ‘Use your fork to eat.’ instead of, ‘Don’t eat with your fingers.’
Rules, boundaries and limits are positive things, and they help your child to become secure, self-sufficient adults.

In a Nutshell - 2: Pearls of Parenting Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-08T09:37:00.000-08:00

Children don’t have to be concerned about whether they are on earth or in paradise. They just know that they know. (Swami Chidvislananda).
A successful parent is one who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay for her or his own psychoanalysis. (Nora Ephron)
On daycare: let your child see that you’re friendly with the caregiver. If you can spend time talking and smiling with each other, then your child sees that you like and trust each other. (Fred Rogers)
More than in any other human relationship, overwhelmingly more, motherhood means being instantly interruptible, responsive, responsible. (Tillie Olsen)
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said! (email from a friend)
Mealtime hint: Have some fun meals like: leftover night, make your own sandwich, taco or pizza night, breakfast foods for supper. (Fred Rogers)
Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children. (email)

Catch Them Being Good by Saralee Sky

2010-03-08T09:35:00.000-08:00

When your baby is new – really for the whole first year – nothing he can do is ‘wrong’. No behavior, no matter how nerve-wracking, is in need of correction or discipline. When your baby cries, he is telling you that something is wrong. He is trying to tell you that he’s hungry or wet or tired, – something! It is up to you to learn to read his cues, and understand his different cries. Sound impossible? Don’t worry. It’s really not as hard as you think. Just relax, take a deep breath, and have faith that your baby knows what he needs and will tell you if you listen and trust your connection to him to help you out.

As your baby grows and becomes a toddler, she will begin to test out her new-found freedom by getting into everything she can reach, things she’s been watching for a long time, but was unable to get to. My grandson started crawling in his fifth month. When he finally mastered the art of going forward, he made a beeline for his big sister’s toy box! He’d been watching that box for months! Your baby is not being naughty, just exploring her world. Put safe things on the shelf she can reach or in a cupboard she can open and move unsafe things out of her reach. Then her explorations will be like a treasure hunt.

As your baby approaches 18 months to 2 years old, he will start to define his boundaries, as in, “This is me and this is NOT me.” NO will be heard a lot around your house – and it should be. It is vital that he learn where he stops and the rest of the world starts. This is also the stage when some discipline may be called for. He may start to experiment with hitting or biting, and temper tantrums are just around the corner.

When you need to discipline your child, please remember, her behavior may be ‘bad’, but her motives are pure and so is she. She is only looking for attention or love or understanding – the same things we adults need from those we love. Resist the urge to assign negative or nasty motives to the unpleasant behavior. In fact, ignore the bad behavior as much as possible. This is where the title of the piece comes in: try as much as possible to catch her being good.

In other words, ignore him when he is being bad and pay attention to him and lavish him with praise when he is being good. This sounds simple, but it is actually harder than it sounds. We are programmed to fix what is wrong, and a whiny, fretful kid can definitely disturb your peace. When he’s playing quietly you can go about your own business – read a book, do the laundry, go to the bathroom, whatever. When he’s being bad you stop what you were doing and attend to him. Turning this process around will take a lot of practice.

First determine whether the ‘bad’ behavior is unsafe to your baby or anyone else. If not, ignore it. Don’t even make eye contact. As soon as she stops whining or crying or pushing her food on to the floor, look right at her, smile and say something like, ‘Oh what a good girl you are! I like it so much better when you are a happy, smiling girl.” Or – “Thank you very much for asking me in a nice voice. You have such a sweet voice when you are not whining.”

If the behavior is unsafe, e.g., your toddler is pinching your baby’s cheek really hard, remove his hand, say something like, “No, that hurts the baby.” Say it firmly, but make as little eye contact as possible. When your toddler stops the behavior, take him on to your lap and thank him for being nice to the baby. Now you can also explain more about how pinching hurts, but in a calm, kind voice. See the difference? In time your baby will learn that he gets much more attention for being good than for being ‘bad’ and the not so nice behaviors will disappear.

In a Nutshell -1: Pearls of Wisdom and Humor

2010-03-08T09:33:00.000-08:00

Cleaning the house while the children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. (Phyllis Diller)
Children need open-ended toys like blocks, art supplies, little cars and trucks, stuffed animals, and dolls. They can play with those kinds of toys according to whatever is important to them at that moment. After a fire destroyed our home in 1978, my three-year-old son played “Fire on Navarro Ranch” with his fire truck for nine months! (The Mister Rogers Parenting Book and Saralee)
Children – you spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and be quiet! (email from a friend)
Being a parent is so overwhelming, you could cry just looking at your child. It’s an overwhelming feeling of love, of wanting to protect him from any pain, any hurt. And the joy! He makes me laugh. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I feel completely fulfilled. (Kelly Preston)
Adopted children need to know that they were born, just like every other baby in the world. It’s reassuring for them to know they had the same beginnings as everyone else. (The Mister Rogers Parenting Book)
Babies are competent individuals who have their own agendas and should be treated with respect. (Ruth Mason)

Shifts, Changes and Moving On by Saralee Sky

2009-12-29T12:35:00.000-08:00

In the words of the great Joseph Campbell: “We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

In that spirit, and with some trepidation and heaviness of heart, I have decided to close Babynut/Womb To Grow down by the end of March, 2010. I have enjoyed so much making this small gesture to the Universe. It has been a huge focal point for me and a way for me to reach out to mothers and babies and offer love, support, information and healthy products. I have no idea what I will do next. I guess I will just have to see what is waiting for me.

Taking this leap of faith and shutting down Babynut reminds me of the first time I discovered I was pregnant in 1975. I did not plan this pregnancy. I was unprepared for it and completely surprised. But some inner place of knowing spoke inside of me and said, “You can do this.” And so I did. My son Joseph Ananda is 34 now and expecting his own first child in August. I let go of the life I had planned and walked into the life that was waiting for me.

In 1987 I attended my 20th high school reunion. It was the first – and the last – reunion I had ever attended. While there I renewed my friendship with my old high school beau, Nunzio. He was a chiropractor and living in West Virginia. He invited me to come and see what he was creating in a little town called Summersville. I did eventually visit Summersville, where I was totally miserable for the entire visit. Again that inner voice said, “You can do this.” In April of 1988, my family and I moved to Summersville from Sebastopol, California(!), and I became a therapist for abused and neglected children. I let go of the life I had planned and walked into the life that was waiting for me.

In April of 2003, my second grandchild, Jordan Gabriel, was born. I had been working full-time as the director of a Camp Fire USA Council, and also helping to take care of Jordan’s older sister, Crystal. Jordan’s birth called out to me as an opportunity to stay at home with him for a few months. I resigned from Camp Fire with the idea of spending the summer at home and looking for a job in September. During the months from April to November, Womb To Grow/Babynut was born. I let go of the life I planned and walked into the life that was waiting for me.

And so here I am again; letting go, wondering where it will lead. I have loved (almost) every minute of my time as Babynut’s owner/manager. I hope that I have been able to provide healthy products, help and inspiration to my customers and readers. I wish us all love and shalom and we walk into the life that is waiting for us.

The Feminine Power of Yin

2009-10-13T10:46:00.000-07:00

As I get ready to celebrate Babynut's 6th birthday, I feel called to celebrate not only Babynut, but all women and their magical ability to create and nurture life and to give birth. This is the Power of Yin; of nurturing and holding life. It is the power of Shakti, the Feminine Principle.
Here is what Sharon McErlane*, author of Our Love is Our Power has to say about the primal energy of Woman:
Women embody "not the yang-based power that is nearly worshipped in our world, but real power. Woman as the container, the wheel, the Mother ship, She who HOLDS. These ideas are foreign in our culture, foreign in our world. For thousands of years woman has been treated as the 'second sex' the 'also ran' of the human family, told to 'stand behind' men and know her place. Woman as shakti, the Feminine Principle, the elemental power of the universe, is not something our culture understands."
To all of the women who read this article, I say, embrace in your power. Visualize yourself as the vessel that you are. Sit in meditation and imagine yourself holding all that you love - your children, your spouse, your family, your friends. Now expand your vessel, your holding, to include the place where you live, all the animals and plants and people in your town, even the people or animals you don't like. Just hold them.
As you get comfortable with this exercise, you can expand your holding to include more and more of the Earth and all that dwell in and upon it. There is no limit to your holding. You are one with the Great Mother.
When a woman holds and contains, she is coming from the foundation of her power, the Power of Yin. Yin is the complementary universal force to Yang, which goes out into the world and is active and strong. But Yang cannot exist without Yin, and for much too long, women have been unaware of their power.
If a woman tries to imitate the Yang way men are powerful in the world, she will be a shadow of her real self. To be powerful, to be the mother that you are, you must learn how to hold, to be a vessel of love and strength and light.
I created Babynut as a way to hold all babies in the womb or newly born, all women pregnant, giving birth or caring for newborns. I believe that the time a child is in the womb and the first few years after birth is the most important time in that child's life. How babies are held in the womb and then birthed and held as they grow strong enough to walk on their own will determine how safe they feel in the world, how much they feel loved and nurtured, and in turn are able to love and nurture themselves and others.
Now is the time for women to own their power. I feel blessed to be living in a time when I can help to heal and rebalance the Earth with the Power of Yin. I am now a grandmother and am in the Autumn of my life. Before it is my time to go, I hope to grow strong with the Power of Yin, with holding.
"When the wisdom of the Grandmothers is heard, the world will heal." Native American Prophecy

*To learn more about Sharon McErlane and the wisdom of the Grandmothers, click here.

Dragon's Breath by Saralee Sky

2009-09-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

I received a gift from my friend Cherryne for my birthday in March. It was a little copper dragon holding a crystal heart. I thought this was a lovely and interesting choice and at first did not know what to do with it. I set it on my altar table which is filled with pictures and other spiritual objects like crystals and feathers and semi-precious stones. Still the little dragon called out to me.
I picked it up and discovered that it had little loops on the back. So I put it on a silver chain and started wearing the dragon around my neck. A few months later I received an email from my friend, Cathy. She told me that in her meditation she saw me sitting on a rock with my hair blowing in the wind. And she heard the words "dragon's breath". She asked me if I knew what that meant. I told her about the little dragon I wore on a chain, but I really didn't know what the words "dragon's breath" meant.
A few days later Cathy sent me another email. She spoke with a Reiki Master about dragon's breath and learned that Dragons Breath was one of the Archetypal Reiki Cards created by Dorothy May. Dragon's Breath = Spritual Initiation.
"The dragon is a powerful symbol that represents life force and great potency. This is the time to step into your power. Dragons also guard treasure. The treasure that your dragon guards may be your precious Higher Self.
"In ancient times it was thought that, hidden in a cave guarded by a dragon, lay a horde of gold and jewels. This symbolism commonly represents the spiritual wisdom buried in the unconscious. The winged dragon is a powerful symbol of transcendence and can mean ascension to spiritual and mystical heights. The dragon's breath is like the fire of purification....
"Think of the dragon as a powerful ally that can help you to build up and contain your power. Use the dragon as a spirit guide and its breath will strengthen your ki. Try saying this: 'With the dragon's breath I blow power into my soul.'"
Wow!
I started thinking more and more about the dragon and dragon's breath. I realized it was no coincidence that two friends - one in California and one in Michigan - thought of the dragon in regards to me. I have written a bajan (sacred chant) about dragon's breath. Here are the words:
Dragon's breath blow into my soul. (2 times)
Dragon's fire purify me. (2 times)
Spirit Guide show me my power. (2 times)
I sing it over and over. I play it on a dulcimer and would like to add a strong drum beat to it. It calls out for drums!
Here is a guided meditation that Cathy also sent to me:
You are in a misty, foggy place with lots of stone around. It is an ancient place. You feel the power of this place and know you are here for an important reason. You are here to do the work of the dragon.
You see a large, old tree with hanging branches. In its shade is a carved stone bench. You sit on the bench and look all around you. A single golden flower calls to you. You stare at it and in its center you see emerging a beautiful gold and green dragon. Fire comes out of the dragon's nostrils, but it is not a fire that consumes. It is the fire of purification. You ask the dragon if it is here to help you. It tell you mind to mind that, yes, it is here to help you as long as you need its fire power and energy.
The dragon indicates that you are to climb upon its back and hold on to the spikes on its neck. You comply, though you are afraid. You discover that the spikes do not hurt, for they are covered in soft leather. As the dragon flies through the air and up and over the earth, you enjoy the power and freedom the ride gives you. You are being infused with the power of the dragon. As you breathe, your exhalations resemble fiery dragon's breath, for the two of you have become one.
You know that you have stepped into your own spiritual power, with the help of the dragon and the dragon's breath.
I am grateful to my friends Cherryne and Cathy for helping me to connect with the dragon, with the dragon's breath and with my own spiritual power. I am still learning the lessons the dragon has to teach. I offer it to you now.

Tend and Befriend - NOT Fight or Flight by Saralee Sky

2009-07-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain friendships with other women. It's a stunning find that has turned five decades of stress research—most of it on men—upside down.

"Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible," explains Laura Cousino Klein, Ph.D., now an Assistant Professor of Biobehavioral Health at Penn State University and one of the study's authors. "It's an ancient survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across the planet by saber-toothed tigers."

Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just "fight or flight."

"In fact," says Dr. Klein, "it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the 'fight or flight' response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead." When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect.

"This calming response does not occur in men," says Dr. Klein, "because testosterone—which men produce in high levels when they're under stress—seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen seems to enhance it."

This information makes so much sense to me! I have on occasion been ready to do battle to defend or protect my children, but my more consistent reaction to a stressful situation is to step back from it if it is dangerous, or calmly try to resolve the issue - talk it out. When I am unable to deal with the situation directly, I will pay attention to other people - my children or grandchildren, baking cookies or caring for them in some other way. I will also start cleaning and attending to minute details to try and manage the overwhelming feelings the stress is causing. I always figured something was WRONG with me when actually I am simply responding the way women are wired to respond.

The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was made in a classic 'AHA' moment shared by two women scientists who were talking one day in a lab at UCLA. "There was this joke that when the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and bonded," says Dr. Klein. "When the men were stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own."

Going to friends for succor and support is a very healthy way to deal with any sort of stressful situation. It helps us move the stress through our physical and emotional bodies and begin the healing process. Our women friends can give us the emotional support that the men in our lives may be unable to provide.

So go ahead and call that friend of yours you've been meaning to call. Meet for tea and have a nice, satisfying chat.

*The informatino in this blog came from an article by Gale Berkowitz.

Bandaged Places by Saralee Sky

2009-06-15T11:15:00.000-07:00

A friend was talking about the events that had occured over the course of her life. "Each situation took away a piece of me, and left me feeling less sure of myself, less whole."

I pondered her statement for a long time and then I asked her, "Is it possible that the parts of you that were taken away were parts that you no longer needed?" We often view events or crises as diminishing our sense of self, our ability to feel strong and whole, but perhaps it is just the opposite. Perhaps when our ego is bruised or our self-esteem is diminished, we are actually making room for a whole new understanding of who we are to shine through.

Rumi says, "Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.

I look over my life and I can see plenty of bandaged places. I used to feel like there was a hole where my heart should be. A big gaping wound that no amount of bandages could cover. I had to put an imagined steel belt around my heart to keep it from feeling too much pain, from coming to terms with the gaping hole. But that hole was precisely the spot where the light seeped through. When I eventually let go of the steel band and let the pain pour out, even more light poured in. I felt more whole, more centered in my self, more full of light.

Our scars are also our greatest potential for growth and enlightenment. Without them we would become complacent and spiritually lazy. Every trauma we go through is a potential bandaged place and a potential place for the light to shine through. Instead of looking at an event with sadness or pain, try looking at it as a window through which the light of your own spirit can shine and help you to heal. Take off the bandage slowly. There will be pain, but there will also be light.

As parents we worry that a truamtic event may scar our children for life. Death of a loved one. Divorce. Moving to a new city. Being the victim of a bully. We see their wounds and scars as our fault. If we were better parents, our children wouldn't have to go through this pain and suffering.

We ARE responsible for a lot of what our children must experience. We make the major decisions that affect their lives for good or ill. I am not absolving you of your responsibility as a parent. Rather I am challeging you to look at a difficult event as a potential for your growth as well as the growth of your children. Help them to express their feelings and also help them to feel the light shining through their discomfort. If children can learn that growth and light come from every difficult event in their lives, they will welcome the events as they come and open up to the light, rather than avoiding any conflict or wallowing in sadness, self-pity or resentment. And the bandaged places will heal without a scar at all.

More Thoughts on Turning 60

2009-04-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

I turned 60 on March 24th. My older sister insisted that we mark the occasion with a mini family reunion. She flew in to Seattle from Detroit and my niece (her daughter) hosted a birthday party for me, complete with a decades theme. There were party favors and foods from the 1950's, 1960's, 1970's, 1980's, 1990's and 2000's. We had Necco Wafers and Pez, we had ratatouie and carrot cake, and we had poems. My niece asked everyone who came to write a poem for me - and they did! Seeing myself through the eyes of my sister, my husband, my two sons, my great-nieces and daughters-in-law was truly memorable and very moving.

My sister also gave me a wonderful gift: letters written to my cousin Harry when he was in basic training in 1952. These letters were mostly from my mother and father, and were simply telling Harry about their activities day to day, my father's work and volunteer work, me and my sister. Unremarkable, right? Except that my mother died 6 months after writing these letters. She was already sick. She referred to her "rheumatism" saying her hands were making it hard to write. Only she didn't have rheumatism. She had Scleroderma, but didn't know it yet. The diagnosis would not be given until 3 months after these letters were written.

I have very few actual memories of my mother. She died when I was three and a half. These letters give her back to me. She was a loving mother to me and my sister, a loving wife to my father and a loving aunt to my cousin. She told cousin Harry about the funny things I did, when I was sick, when my sister needed new clothes for school, an opera she attended with my father. She became a real person through these letters, not just a tragic figure who died so young and left me alone.

I am so grateful for these letters. I have read them again and again. I was loved and cared for by my mother, and even though she left so long ago, I carry her in my heart always.

Some Thoughts on Turning 60 by Saralee Sky

2009-03-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

In exactly two weeks - on March 24th - I will turn 60. This is a milestone, a testament to the fact that I have lived on this planet in this incarnation for 60 years. What can be said of my life, my time on Earth?

I am aware of feeling deeply, of always feeling everything intensely, every hurt, every praise, every event in my life. I am also aware of not having a very good memory. Minutes, days, weeks, years have been lived and forgotten. Where are those events? Those heartbeats? Those experiences?

When I say I do not have a good memory it is true only in part. I DO have a very good memory for unique moments in my life - special teaching moments when someone or something intervenes and shakes me to my core. One such moment: I am 3 and sitting in my high chair at my Aunt Goldie's house. The phone rings and she answers it. She listens, then throws her head back and screams. No one tells me anything but I KNOW my mother is dead.

I am 6 or 7 and I am sitting on my father's lap. "I'm hungry," I say. "I'm Jewish," he replies.

I am away at summer camp for the first time. I am 8. I am told to come to the camp office and then told my father is on the phone. We are not allowed to receive calls except in emergencies so I am scared. I pick up the phone and my father's voice explodes over the wire, "What did you do to you (step)mother?!?"

I am 8 or 9 and I am sitting at the kitchen table across from my father. My stepmother sits between us. We are having lunch. "Give me a match," my father says to me. I reach behind me to a cubby in the wall where the matches are kept. I drop the book of matches on the floor. I reach down to pick them up when I feel/hear my father's hand slam down on the table. "When I say give me a match, I mean give me a match!" he explodes with anger.

I am sitting on my Aunt Goldie's porch waiting for dinner. I am with my Aunt Betty. I am 9 or 10. "I'm starving," I say. "You'll never know what it is to be truly hungry," my Aunt Betty replies.

I am 17. I just got home from a basketball game (or similar event). I hang up my coat in the closet in the family room. My Uncle Joe is there and he says, "GoodNIGHT, Saralee." "Goodnight," I reply as if by rote. "Do you realize that for the last three years I have always said goodnight to you first?" he asks.

These are moments etched in the stone of my memory. While some of them may seem inconsequential in the sum total of a life, they are actually extremely important. Let's take them one by one. In the first case, no one told me that my mother had died, but I knew the moment my aunt screamed what had happened. My mother was in the hospital. She had a fatal disease and she had just died. I felt the connection sever as I sat in my high chair, and I had no words to describe what I felt. I learned from that moment on to listen to the voice inside me.

Next one: I am sitting on my father's lap. I know he's making a joke by retorting "I'm Jewish" to my "I'm hungry", but I also know that he is making an important statement about his identity, the way he sees himself in the world. I begin to think about my own identity from that moment on.

Next one - summer camp. My father goes on to say that I have to apologize to my stepmother for "hurting her feelings". From this event I learn that to remain close to my father and win his approval, I have to please my stepmother. I stop listening to my inner voice and start listening to her. It will be many years before I can get my stepmother out of my head and start tuning in to my own inner voice again. From this I also learn that adults sometimes expect children to be more mature than they are.

Next one - the give me a match one. This was very scary and is etched in my memory because of the huge amount of rage my father displayed at a seemingly minor event - my dropping his matches. While I kept the table between us and my stepmother pleaded with him to calm down, I realized with great clarity that he was not mad about the matches per se. He had a very slow fuse and this was simply the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. He must have felt disregarded and disrespected by me for a long time. From this event I learned not to take my father and his building anger lightly.

Next - me and my Aunt Betty. I am an American child of the 1950's. I do not know want or hunger. But my mother's family, along with her sisters, Goldie and Betty, experienced something that they call The Hunger in Russia in the early 1900's. They were forced out of their Jewish shtettle and into Kiev when The Hunger occured. They all nearly starved. This same Aunt Betty would steal raw grain by the handful from the wealthier Jewish family she worked for. She would put it in her skirt pockets and bring the grain home to her family. She told me all this while we sat on the porch waiting for dinner. I cannot say the words 'I'm starving' anymore. I do not have the right.

Last one, my Uncle Joe saying good night to me first. He waited and waited for me to say it to him first. I of course got used to him saying it first and simply didn't realize I was taking him - and his goodnights - for granted. I was a self-centered teenager. I learned to peek out from underneath all the self-centeredness and see others as they see me. I learned to pay attention to the people in my energy field.

As I continued to live and grow and learn, there were more AHA moments such as the ones I have described. They have each taught me something valuable and precious. I am on the descent of my life. I have passed the half-way point long ago, perhaps even the three-quarter point. I do not know how many more teaching moments I have left. Whatever is in store for me, I am grateful for all that I have been given, and all that I have learned.

Swearing In Ceremonies Take Two by Saralee Sky

2009-02-26T18:03:00.000-08:00

Recently Barack Hussein Obama was sworn in as the 44th President of these United States of America. In fact, he was sworn in twice, because the Chief Justice mixed up the words during the inauguration ceremony. It got me to thinking about promises we all make and oaths we take in our lives. How can we make them more than mere words?

We all make promises, to ourselves and to others. And perhaps the most formal “oath” we take is part of our marriage ceremony. We vow to love, honor, respect, etc. I am sure we all mean the words as we say them on that special day, but do we keep the vows alive over time? Not all promises are able to be kept. Not all vows hold over time. But surely it is good to try and live up to the lofty ideals contained in oaths. They have worthy goals: “Do no harm.” “Until death do us part.” “Defend the Constitution of the United States.”

I swear I will not dishonor my soul with hatred, but offer myself humbly as a guardian of nature, as a healer of misery, as a messenger of wonder, as an architect of peace. (Diane Ackerman)

The above quote from Diane Ackerman came to me from www.gratefullness.org as part of their email program, Word for the Day. Many of their quotes give me pause, but none more so than this one. I am struck by the power of the words, and the intention of the oath. I do not know why Ms Ackerman created this oath, what ceremony she was participating in if any. But what if – each and every morning – we all had to swear to live our lives a certain way? If we did, then what better oath than the one Ms Ackerman has created?

I have decided to take this oath every day, each morning as I start my day. I offer it to you and to President Obama. It is not as formal or specific as the President’s oath, but it says so very much more to me. It uses words like: guardian, messenger, healer, architect. When I see myself as a guardian, as a messenger, as a healer, or as an architect, I feel powerful, able to make a change for better in the world. More important it uses the word humbly. This word reminds me not to take myself too seriously, even though I may be a guardian, messenger, etc.

I am touched by this oath, this attempt to align oneself with nature, wonder and peace, and to move away from hatred. I read Ms Ackerman’s words and I want to live up to them, be worthy of them, have them engraved upon my soul. What better eulogy could I have than to have it said of me: “she hated no one or no thing, she loved and protected the sea, the earth, and all who dwell therein, she healed the sick and the sick-at-heart, she filled herself and those around her with wonder, and she worked tirelessly for peace”?

Ode to Angel

2009-01-28T10:18:00.000-08:00

My dearest friend and cat, Angel, died Tuesday, January 27, 2009. She wanted to go out on Saturday night, January 24th. She did not come back in when I called her. I decided to let her stay out, since the weather was clear and she had ready shelter on or under our porch. She never returned on Sunday or Monday.

My neighbor found her Monday afternoon in his driveway. He thought she was hit by a car because she was walking so 'funny'. She is missing her rear right leg, so she walks sort of sideways, with her tail pointing right as ballast. He called animal control and they took her to the animal shelter. He did not realize she was mine. Monday evening he rang our bell and asked if our cat was missing, then told us what he had done. I called the shelter but the message said they do not take messages or give out information on missing animals on the phone. They said to come in between the hours of 10 and 5.

Tuesday morning – right before I got there at 10:05 - the Vet euthanized her because she was vomiting blood and had a tumor. She would have been 19 years old in March.

Jer and I started out at 9:30 Tuesday morning. We made one stop along the way to drop off a letter for Mother Baby Center at a donut shop (where my son works). As we pulled in to the curb, a customer kept mouthing something to me. Turns out he was saying we had a flat tire! I cannot remember the last time I had a flat tire! My son helped Jer put on the spare. Still we were on our way to the shelter by 9:55. We got there a few minutes after 10 and Angel was already gone!

An aid told me that Angel could not get warm when she came into the shelter on Monday afternoon, so the aid took her home with her and slept with her Monday night. When she brought her in to the shelter Tuesday morning it was clear that Angel did not feel well. I guess they had determined she had some sort of tumor on Monday. When she started vomiting blood the Vet made the decision to euthanize her there and then. If they had known I was coming, would they have waited?

I am grateful to the aid who provided Angel with comfort when I could not do so. Everyone at the shelter was so kind, saying, "I am sorry for your loss." My poor sweet beautiful Angel kitty.

I keep replaying her last days and the fact that I wasn’t with her at the end. A friend said perhaps Angel was trying to spare me the last days of her life. I wanted to be there for her and with her at the end, just like I was always there for her during her life. We had a funeral for her. Me, Jer, and the grandkids, Crystal (8) and Jordan (5). Crystal drew a beautiful picture of Angel with her 3 legs, smiling with hearts all around her. It is framed and on the mantle in our living room. I made a grave marker out of a large flat stone with a piece of driftwood on top. The wood is painted with Angel's name and Ripley's name (our dog who is buried next to Angel) and an Om sign and some hearts.

Angel was a semi-wild cat who chose me 18 years ago. She lived with 30+ other cats around a house that backed onto the same alley as my work place. A mean dog had mangled her back right leg when she was a little kitten. The other cats kept her warm until the owner discovered her under the house and took her to the Vet, who removed her leg. After that she was almost completely wild, letting no human near her.

Our office manager noticed all the cats in our neighborhood and started putting out food for them. Angel was one of the cats who would come to eat on our back porch. One day she looked pregnant, and then soon she looked thinner. Our college intern follwed her when she left our porch and discovered her kittens. We found homes for them and asked the owner if we could have the cat spayed. She said no and told us the cat's name was Angel. We had been calling her Tripod!

The next time she got pregnant, she decided to have her kittens behind my computer desk. We made a box for her and the kittens. This time we asked for donations when we gave the kittens away and used the money to have Angel spayed. We didn't ask permission. Angel took to sleeping on my desk under the desk lamp. If I tried to pet her she swatted or bit me. I adored her.

When I left that job I left Angel there, because I didn't think she would want to leave that neighborhood to move in with me, my family and my 2 dogs and one cat. But three weeks later the health department said Angel had to go, so she got to come home with me anyway. She adjusted quickly to life in our family. She was a successful hunter and a loving companion, as long as she dictated the amount of petting. Slowly but surely, she became more and more tame.

She has been with me ever since. She has moved from the house by the lake to Mark's house to the little red house to the house on Cherrywood with Jer and all his three dogs and now the big green Victorian on McKenzie. She slept at the foot of my bed. She asked for scratches on her neck where her missing leg could have reached. She liked to sit in one place and swat our blind Pomeranian, Fancy, as she circled around and around. Each time Fancy came near Angel she would get a swat. It was one of Angel's favorite games. Fancy begged to differ!

Angel was a beautiful tabby cat with brown and black markings, a white chin, and lovely tufts of fur in her ears. When I had a session with a pet intuitive a while ago, Angel made sure to tell Barbara about her white chin and ear tufts.

Angel has been my constant companion, my best friend. And now she has gone, I know not where. Hopefully, she has exchanged her 3 earthly legs for true angel's wings. I love and miss her so. Via con Dios, Angel!

Swearing In Ceremonies

2009-01-22T10:26:00.000-08:00

I swear I will not dishonor my soul with hatred, but offer myself humbly as a guardian of nature, as a healer of misery, as a messenger of wonder, as an architect of peace. (Diane Ackerman)

Recently Barack Hussein Obama was sworn in as the 44th Predisent of these United States of America. In fact, he was sworn in twice, because the Chief Justice mixed up the words during the inauguration ceremony. It got me to thinking about promises we all make and oaths we take in our lives. How can we make them more than mere words?

Tha above quote from Diane Ackerman came to me from Gratefulness.org as part of their email program, Word for the Day. Many of their quotes give me pause, but none more so than this one.

I have decided to take this oath every day, each morning as I start my day. I offer it to you and to President Obama. It is not as formal or specific, like swearing to "defend the Constitution of the United States". But it says so very much more to me.

It uses words like: guardian, messenger, healer, architect. Most important it uses the word humbly. I am touched by this attempt to align oneself with nature, wonder and peace, and to move away from hatred. I read the words and I want to live up to them, be worthy of them, have them engraved upon my soul.

Perhaps by sharing them here they will begin to spread. And others will take them up as their oath, their words to live by.

We Live Therefore We Serve Part Two

2008-12-28T09:23:00.000-08:00

"Service is the rent we pay for the privilege of living on this earth. It is the very purpose of life, and not something you do in your spare time." Shirley Chisholm

When I was a young woman, I tried to get a job at a fancy restaurant as a waitress. It was the only job available in the rural area where I was living. When asked what experience I had, I lied and said I had worked my way through college as a waitress at my uncle’s fancy restaurant. The closest job I actually had was serving ice cream and burgers.

I got the job and was given six tables to wait on. Each table had six courses to be served in addition to drinks and wine from the bar. I was completely out of my ken. I really had no idea how to open wine with a flourish, keep track of which table was on what course, make sure everyone got what they actually ordered, etc. And then I realized two things: taking care of six tables was like performing an intricate dance. I could immerse myself in the steps of the dance and keep the food and drink flowing. But most important was to approach each table with a true attitude of service.

“How can I help you?” became my mantra and also my heart-felt approach to my job. I was genuinely interested in each group I served. I was honest in telling them that I was new to this type of job. I laughed at myself as I struggled with the wine corks, or forgot who ordered what. I listened to each and every person and soon had them telling me about their lives in the course of the six courses they consumed. I may not have been the best waitress, but I was the friendliest and got lots of praise from my customers and really good tips.

The key here was that I realized as a waitress I was there to serve my customers. Truly serve them. Once I became aware of this, my customers responded with delight and appreciation.

Since that time I have pondered the idea of service. So much of what we all do each and every day is a kind of service, but if we are not aware of it, we lose the opportunity to really experience the benefits and effects of that service. What exactly do I mean by “service”? To serve can mean offering comfort and aid to another human being, feeding the birds on cold winter days, clearing out a storm drain after a big rain, sending money to a favorite charity, volunteering in your child’s classroom. But service also means making breakfast for your family, changing a diaper, grocery shopping, cleaning the toilet, sweeping the floor. The list is endless. We perform countless acts of service every day without being aware of it. As soon as we become aware, the experience is enhanced and we are uplifted by each act of service instead of feeling drained.

Every act of service we perform makes our lives, the lives of others and the Earth a tiny bit better. As we enter the new year, I challenge you to make two new years resolutions: to be more aware of how you already serve and to try to be of more service to this planet, your country, your community, your family, and yourself. Happy New Year!

We Live Therefore We Serve

2008-11-28T12:43:00.000-08:00

"Service is the rent we pay for the privilege of living on this earth. It is the very purpose of life, and not something you do in your spare time." Shirley Chisholm

Why am I here? Why do I live in this place at this time? What is the purpose of my life? Of all life? What will happen after I die? Does God exist?

These are BIG questions. They occur to all of us as we live and grow and look toward our inevitable death. Of course, it is easy to ignore these BIG questions and allow ourselves to get buried in the minutiae of our lives, all the SMALL details comprised of living on this planet. We can get tunnel vision as we go about our daily lives and pay attention only to what needs to be done on any given day: going to work, paying bills, making dinner, parenting, watching TV, going to sleep at the end of the day, only to wake up and immerse ourselves in the minutiae once again. Still, when we are alone in the car or the shower, or in the space between waking and sleep, the BIG questions resurface: Why am I here? What is the purpose of my life? What happens after death?

It is all this un-knowing, these Mysteries that keep philosophers and religious thinkers busy coming up with new theories and new religious sects. Soon these BIG thinkers start to think they have solved the Mystery of Life and that they have discovered the RIGHT way. "Follow me," they say. "I know the answers. I will save you from all doubt, all uncertainty. I will show you the Way."

Doesn't it seem just a bit too easy? In all this vast Universe, amid all the other uncountable Universes, how can one man or woman on this tiny blue-green planet have all the answers? How can one religion be RIGHT and another WRONG? How can God choose one people and turn His/Her back on another? If God is LOVE, how can God's rule include punishment and fear of damnation?

So, what is one small person to do? How are we supposed to grapple with these BIG questions all on our own? It is easier to bury ourselves in the minutiae of our lives and hope that the BIG questions will take care of themselves, or let whatever religion we belong to provide the answers. Which brings me back to the title of this essay: We live therefore we serve.

My answer to all the BIG questions for which I have no answer: offer my life up in service to the greater good, see every action as an offering of love, keep away from self pity and fear. When self-pity and fear rear their heads, find a way to offer up even those feelings as a gift to the great Mystery which surrounds our lives and moves with us through our days and nights, whether we acknowledge it or not.

It is easy to feel powerless and helpless, to feel no responsibility for all the evil and violence and poverty in the world. After all, what can one person do? If each and every one of us offered our life as a daily gift to the Mystery of Life, all the evil and violence and poverty would vanish from the Earth. Of course, we have no power over those who feel invested in keeping things as they are, but this "fact" does not absolve us from offering our life as an example of love and service. We live therefore we serve.

"Any human who feels that he or she is not "good enough" to cultivate peace and generosity is overlooking the wondrous gift of life. You live, therefore you are good enough." Dhyani Ywahoo

The Resiliency of Weeds

2008-08-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

A Warrior Spirit

2008-07-11T10:10:00.000-07:00

To openly deeply, as genuine spiritual life requires, we need tremendous courage and strength, a kind of warrior spirit. But the place for this warrior strength is in the heart. Jack Kornfield

Mothers are natural warriors, because we are naturally centered in our hearts. We would do anything to keep our children safe. We are fierce in their defense and in our love for them. To become spiritual warriors, we need only use that same fierceness toward our own inner journey.

We must look upon our own spiritual quest with the same deep love and caring as we do our offspring. We must know that at every moment we have the ability to pierce through the veils of ignorance and attachment to the reality of the spirit, of truth and awareness.

When I was a child I wanted to cross the Red Sea with Moses, listen to the Sermon on the Mount with Jesus, see him divide the loaves and fishes and turn water into wine. I wanted to be there in the presence of a living saint. I wanted to see God. I still do! I was in my mid-20's when I met my first living saint. I went to see Muktananda in Oakland, CA. I looked into his eyes and I could see that HE could SEE, that he was real - a part of this world and a part of another world that I could not see. I wanted to be like him.

Holiness comes wrapped in the ordinary. There are burning bushes all around you. Every tree is full of angels. Hidden beauty is waiting in every crumb. Macrina Wiederkehr

I am almost 60 years old now, a crone, and I am just now beginning to understand about holiness and its connection to the ordinary. Every body of water is the Red Sea, every dinner a miracle of loaves and fishes, every ordinary moment is infused with the extraordinary if we can but see it. I don't need to be with Moses. I AM Moses right now, right here.

Sometimes I go about pitying myself, and all the time I am being carried on great winds across the sky. Chippewa saying

Lord, save me from my own self-pity. Make me a warrior of the heart.

Time to go walk on water.... :)

How Easily I Slip Your Mind by Saralee Sky

2008-05-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

Here are the lyrics to a song I just wrote, after my oldest son forgot to visit me on his last trip to Bellingham from Seattle. It quickly evolved to be more than just about the missed visit, and has changed from a sad ballad to a reggae song! My partner, Jer, created the melody and helped to rearrange the lyrics to suit a reggae beat.

How Easily I Slip Your Mind by Saralee Sky and Jerry Kilgore

How easily, how easily,

How easily I slip your mind.

I look at you - you look away.

How easily love slips away.

How easily I slip your mind.

How easily, how easily,

How easily, how easily,
How easily I slip your mind.

Bridge:

A flower blooms and gives no sign

That beauty fades away in time.

Like petals falling from the vine,

I slip your mind.

How easily we drift apart.

How easily you break my heart.

How easily I slip your mind.

How easily, how easily,

How easily, how easily,
How easily I slip your mind.

I slip your mind.